On Feeling Ugly

We unexpectedly catch sight of ourselves in a mirror and, in an instant, are thrown into

despair: the odd nose, the unsatisfactory hair, the sickening skin tone, but most of

all, the only too familiar, deeply gormless needy expression. It feels at such moments

as if every worst fear about us must be true. All our efforts to run away from our monster-self

have failed. A hideous spectre is, for our brief time on the planet, truly whom we are

fated to be. Crucially, feeling ugly is entirely independent of what anyone actually looks

like. There are beauties who are sickened by their looks and grizzled munchkins breezily

at ease with themselves. There are always an infinite number of reasons to find oneself

pleasant or hideous, clever or idiotic: so what decides the matter is never in the end

the judgement of our eyes, but the condition of our souls. It is the inner mood that guides

our gaze in its assessment of the face in the mirror and that projects the atmosphere

of selfishness, sleaziness and furtiveness we locate in our features. Therefore, we don't,

when we are sad, ever really need a new set of clothes or a haircut. We require – to

put it naively and grandly – to be looked at through the eyes of love, by someone whose

generous assessment can rescue us from the depredations of self-hatred. It is all the

more unfortunate that – precisely when we feel disgusting – it can be so hard to ask

another for their help. We hate ourselves too much to dare to hope that anyone else

might like us – and may, in response to kind enquiries, simply attempt to prove our

dislikable nature through monosyllabic avoidant grunts. We need – in our curdled state – for

someone else to explain our condition to the world, to make the case that we are lost and

ashamed, not monstrous or mean. We may need (for a time at least) to let someone else's

words do the work for us.

At The School of Life, we believe that confidence is a skill we can learn. Our Confidence Prompt Cards are designed to help us to master this mysterious art. Click now to learn more.