Liber Tertius - pars 1 Book Three - part 1 Libro tres - parte 1 Libro tre - parte 1 Boek drie - deel 1 Livro três - parte 1

**Liber Tertius**

Veni Carthaginem; et circumstrepebat me undique sartago flagitiosorum amorum. I came to Carthage; and a pan of unseemly loves surrounded me on every side. vine a Cartago; y una sarta de amores indecorosos me rodeó por todos lados. Nondum amabam, et amare amabam, et secretiore indigentia oderam me minus indigentem. I still loved, and I loved to love, and in need of more privacy I hated myself less need. Quærebam quod amarem, amans amare, et oderam securitatem, et viam sine muscipulis. I was looking for what I loved, loving to love, and I hated security, and a way without muslins. Yo buscaba lo que amaba, amando amar, y odiaba la seguridad, y un camino sin muselinas. Quoniam fames mihi erat intus ab interiore cibo teipso, Deus meus, et ea fame non esuriebam; sed eram sine desiderio alimentorum incorruptibilium: non quia plenus eis eram, sed quo inanior, eo fastidiosior. Because I was hungry inside from your inner food, my God, and I was not hungry with that hunger; but I was without desire for imperishable food: not because I was full of them, but the more empty I was, the more fastidious. Porque tuve hambre por dentro de tu alimento interior, Dios mío, y no tuve hambre con ese hambre; pero no tenía deseo de alimentos imperecederos: no porque estuviera lleno de ellos, sino que cuanto más vacío estaba, más exigente estaba. Et ideo non bene valebat anima mea; et ulcerosa projiciebat se foras miserabiliter scalpi avida contactu sensibilium. And therefore my soul was not well; and the sores threw themselves out pitifully, eager for the contact of the senses. Y por tanto mi alma no estaba bien; y las llagas se arrojaron lastimosamente, ávidas del contacto de los sentidos. Sed si non haberent animam, non utique amarentur. But if they had no soul, they certainly would not be loved. Pero si no tuvieran alma, ciertamente no serían amados. Amare et amari dulce mihi erat, magis si et amantis corpore fruerer. It was sweet to me to love and be loved, even more if I enjoyed the body of a lover. Venam igitur amicitiæ coinquinabam sordibus concupiscentiæ, candoremque ejus obnubilabam de tartaro libidinis; et tamen foedus atque inhonestus, elegans et urbanus esse gestiebam abundanti vanitate. I therefore defiled the vein of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and clouded its whiteness with the tartar of lust; and yet I pretended to be compact and dishonest, elegant and civil, with abundant vanity. Por lo tanto profané la vena de la amistad con la inmundicia de la concupiscencia, y enturbí su blancura con el sarro de la lujuria; y sin embargo fingí ser compacto y deshonesto, elegante y cortés, con abundante vanidad. Rui etiam in amorem quo cupiebam capi. I also fell in love with the way I wanted to be taken. También me enamoré de la forma en que quería que me tomaran. Deus meus, misericordia mea, quanto felle mihi suavitatem illam, et quam bonus aspersisti! My God, my mercy, how dearly you showered me with that sweetness, and how good you sprinkled it! Dios mío, misericordia mía, ¡cuán dulcemente me colmaste de esa dulzura, y cuán bien la rociaste! Quia et amatus sum, et perveni occulte ad vinculum fruendi, et colligabar lætus ærumnosis nexibus, ut cæderer virgis ferreis ardentibus zeli, et suspicionum, et timorum, et irarum, atque rixarum. Because I was also loved, and I came secretly to the bond of enjoyment, and I bound my happiness with iron bonds, that I might yield to the burning iron rods of jealousy, and suspicions, and fears, and angers, and quarrels. Porque yo también fui amado, y llegué secretamente al lazo del gozo, y até mi felicidad con lazos de hierro, para poder ceder a las barras de hierro ardiente de los celos, las sospechas, los temores, las iras y las peleas.

Rapiebant me spectacula theatrica, plena imaginibus miseriarum mearum, et fomitibus ignis mei. I was enraptured by theatrical spectacles, full of images of my miseries, and fuel for my fire. Me extasiaban los espectáculos teatrales, llenos de imágenes de mis miserias, y combustible de mi fuego. Quid est quod ibi homo vult dolere, cum spectat luctuosa atque tragica, quæ tamen pati ipse nollet? What is it that a man wants to grieve there, when he looks mournful and tragic, which, however, he does not want to suffer? ¿Qué es lo que un hombre quiere doler allí, cuando parece lúgubre y trágico, que, sin embargo, no quiere sufrir? Et tamen pati vult ex eis dolorem spectator, et dolor ipse est voluptas ejus. And yet the spectator wants to suffer pain from them, and pain itself is his pleasure. Y, sin embargo, el espectador quiere sufrir dolor por ellos, y el dolor mismo es su placer. Quid est, nisi miserabilis insania? What is it but miserable madness? Nam eo magis eis movetur quisque, quo minus a talibus affectibus sanus est: quanquam cum ipse patitur, miseria; cum aliis compatitur, misericordia dici solet. For every one is the more moved by them, the less he is healthy from such affections: although when he himself suffers, misery; when he sympathizes with others, it is usually called compassion. Porque cada uno es tanto más movido por ellos, cuanto menos sano está de tales afectos: aunque cuando él mismo sufre, miseria; cuando simpatiza con los demás, suele llamarse compasión. Sed qualis tandem misericordia in rebus fictis et scenicis? But what kind of compassion is it in the things that are fictitious and dramatic? Pero, ¿qué clase de compasión hay en las cosas que son ficticias y dramáticas? Non enim ad subveniendum provocatur auditor; sed tantum ad dolendum invitatur: et actori earum imaginum amplius favet, cum amplius dolet. For the listener is not challenged to help; but he is only invited to grieve: and he favors the actor of those images more when he grieves more. Porque el oyente no es desafiado a ayudar; pero sólo se le invita a afligirse: y favorece más al actor de esas imágenes cuanto más aflige. Et si calamitates illæ hominum vel antiquæ vel falsæ sic agantur, ut qui spectat non doleat; abscedit inde fastidiens et reprehendens: si autem doleat, manet intentus, et gaudens lacrymatur. And if those calamities of men, either ancient or false, are done in such a way that he who looks on does not grieve; he departs thence disgusted and reproving: but if he grieves, he remains attentive, and weeps in joy. Y si aquellas calamidades de los hombres, sean antiguas o falsas, fueren hechas de tal manera que el que las mira no se entristece; sale de allí disgustado y reprochando: pero si se entristece, permanece atento, y llora de alegría.

Ergo amantur et dolores? So love and pain? Certe omnis homo gaudere vult. Of course, every person wants to be happy. An cum miserum neminem esse libeat, libet tamen esse misericordem; quod quia non sine dolore est, hac una causa amantur dolores? Or when no one wishes to be miserable, yet he wishes to be merciful; because it is not without pain, for this one reason are pains loved? Et hoc de illa vena amicitiæ est. And this is about that vein of friendship. Sed quo vadit? But where does it go? quo fluit? Where does it flow? Utquid decurrit in torrentem picis bullientis æstus immanes tetrarum libidinum, in quos ipsa mutatur et vertitur per nutum proprium de coelesti serenitate detorta atque dejecta? As if running down into a torrent of boiling pitch the heat of the monstrous lusts of the grouse, into which she is changed and turned by her own nod, twisted and cast down from the heavenly serenity? Repudietur ergo misericordia? Shall mercy then be rejected? Nequaquam. No way. Ergo amentur dolores aliquando. Therefore pains are sometimes loved. Sed cave immunditiam, anima mea, sub tutore Deo meo, Deo patrum nostrorum, et laudabili et superexaltato in omnia sæcula; cave immunditiam. But beware of impurity, my soul, under my guardian God, the God of our fathers, and praiseworthy and exalted for ever; beware of impurity. Neque enim nunc non misereor; sed tunc in theatris congaudebam amantibus, cum sese fruebantur per flagitia, quamvis hæc imaginarie gererent in ludo spectaculi. For I am not sorry now; but then I rejoiced at the lovers in the theatres, when they enjoyed themselves by their debauchery, although they pretended to carry them out in the play of the show. Cum autem sese amittebant, quasi misericors contristabar; et utrumque delectabat tamen. But when they lost themselves, I was saddened as if merciful; and yet both pleased him. Nunc vero magis misereor gaudentem in flagitio, quam velut dura perpessum detrimento perniciosæ voluptatis, et amissione miseræ felicitatis. Now, however, I have more pity for him who rejoices in debauchery, than for one who seems to be suffering from the loss of pernicious pleasure and the loss of miserable happiness. Hæc certe verior misericordia; sed non in ea delectat dolor. Surely this is truer mercy; but pain does not delight in it. Nam etsi approbatur officio charitatis qui dolet miserum; mallet tamen utique non esse quod doleret, qui germanitus misericors est. For even if he is approved of the duty of charity, he who grieves for the poor; but he would of course prefer that there should be no pain, who is a merciful German. Si enim est malevola benevolentia, quod fieri non potest; potest et ille qui veraciter sinceriterque miseretur, cupere esse miseros ut misereatur. For if there is malevolent benevolence, which cannot be done; and he who is truly and sincerely pitied can desire to be pitiful in order to be pitied. Nonnullus itaque dolor approbandus, nullus amandus est. Therefore, some pain is to be approved, none is to be loved. Hoc enim tu, Domine Deus, qui animas amas, longe lateque purius quam nos, et incorruptibilius misereris, quod nullo dolore sauciaris. For you, Lord God, who love souls, are far and wide more pure than us, and more incorruptible in mercy, that you do not save us with any pain. Et ad hæc quis idoneus? And who is fit for these things?

At ego tunc miser dolere amabam, et quærebam ut esset quod dolerem, quando mihi in ærumna aliena, et falsa, et saltatoria, ea magis placebat actio histrionis, meque alliciebat vehementius, qua mihi lacrymæ excutiebantur. But at that time I loved to grieve miserably, and I sought that there might be something to grieve for, when in the strange, false, and dancing world, the action of the actor pleased me more, and attracted me more vehemently, with which my tears were shaken. Quid autem mirum cum infelix pecus aberrans a grege tuo, et impatiens custodiæ tuæ turpi scabie foedarer? But what wonder when the unfortunate cattle wandered from your herd, and impatient of your care, foul with the foul scabies? Et inde erant dolorum amores, non quibus altius penetrarer; non enim amabam talia perpeti, qualia spectare; sed quibus auditis et fictis, tanquam in superficie raderer: quos tamen quasi ungues scalpentium fervidus tumor, et tabes, et sanies horrida consequebatur. And hence were the loves of pain, which I could not penetrate deeper; for I was not fond of perpetuating such things as watching; but with those heard and fabricated, it was as if I were scraping on the surface. Talis vita mea, numquid vita erat, Deus meus? Such was my life, was it life, my God?

Et circumvolabat super me fidelis a longe misericordia tua. And your faithful mercy flew over me from afar. In quantas iniquitates distabui, et sacrilegam curiositatem secutus sum, ut deserentem te, deduceret me ad ima infida, et circumventoria obsequia dæmoniorum, quibus immolabam facta mea mala, et in omnibus flagellabas me! Into what iniquities have I strayed, and have I followed a sacrilegious curiosity, that, deserting you, it might lead me to the lowest unfaithful and encircling obedience of demons, to whom I sacrificed my evil deeds, and in everything you scourged me! Ausus sum etiam in celebritate solemnitatum tuarum, intra parietes ecclesiæ tuæ concupiscere et agere negotium procurandi fructus mortis: unde me verberasti gravibus poenis; sed nihil ad culpam meam, o tu prægrandis misericordia mea, Deus meus, refugium meum a terribilibus nocentibus, in quibus vagatus sum præfidenti collo, ad longe recedendum a te, amans vias meas et non tuas, amans fugitivam libertatem. I ventured, even in the celebration of your solemnities, to lust within the walls of your church and to engage in the business of procuring the fruits of death: wherefore you beat me with heavy punishments; but nothing to my fault, O Thou who art the greatest of my mercy, my God, my refuge from the terrible sinners, in whom I have wandered with a proud neck, to withdraw far from Thee, loving my ways and not Thine, loving fugitive liberty.

Habebant et illa studia quæ honesta vocabantur, ductum suum intuentem fora litigiosa, ut excellerem in eis, hoc laudabilior, quo fraudulentior. They also had those studies which were called honest, and their leader looked at the litigious forums, so that he might excel in them, the more praiseworthy the more fraudulent. Tanta est cæcitas hominum de cæcitate etiam gloriantium. Such is the blindness of men that they even boast of their blindness. Et major jam eram in schola rhetoris; et gaudebam superbe, et tumebam typho; quanquam longe sedatior, Domine, tu scis, et remotus omnino ab eversionibus quas faciebant Eversores (hoc enim nomen scævum et diabolicum, velut insigne urbanitatis est), inter quos vivebam pudore impudenti, quia talis non eram: et cum eis eram, et amicitiis eorum delectabar aliquando, a quorum semper factis abhorrebam, hoc est ab eversionibus, quibus proterve insectabantur ignotorum verecundiam, quam perturbarent gratis illudendo atque inde pascendo malevolas lætitias suas. And I was already older in the school of rhetoric; and I rejoiced with pride, and swelled with typhus; although far calmer, Lord, you know, and completely removed from the overthrows which the Eversores (for this is a wicked and diabolical name, as if it were a sign of civility), among whom I lived with shameless shame, because I was not like that: and I was with them, and their friends I was sometimes amused by their actions, which I was always abhorred, that is, by the overthrows, with which they brutally attacked the shyness of strangers, whom they disturbed by gratuitously mocking and thereby feeding their malevolent mirth. Nihil est illo actu similius actibus dæmoniorum. There is nothing more similar to that act than the acts of demons. Quid itaque verius quam eversores vocarentur? What, then, is truer than to be called subversives? Eversi plane prius ipsi atque perversi, deridentibus eos et seducentibus fallacibus occulte spiritibus, in eo ipso quo alios irridere amant et fallere. They themselves and the perverts were clearly overthrown first, mocking them and being seduced by deceitful spirits in secret, in the very fact that they love to mock and deceive others.

Inter hos ego, imbecilla tunc ætate discebam libros eloquentiæ, in qua eminere cupiebam fine damnabili et ventoso per gaudia vanitatis humanæ; et usitato jam discendi ordine perveneram in librum cujusdam Ciceronis, cujus linguam fere omnes mirantur, pectus non ita. Among these I, a weakling at that age, studied the books of eloquence, in which I desired to excel at the damnable and windy end through the joys of human vanity; and in the usual order of learning I had come to the book of a certain Cicero, whose language almost everyone marvels at, but his chest is not so. Sed liber ille ipsius exhortationem continet ad philosophiam, et vocatur Hortensius. But that book contains his exhortation to philosophy, and is called Hortensius. Ille vero liber mutavit affectum meum, et ad teipsum, Domine, mutavit preces meas, et vota ac desideria mea fecit alia. But that book changed my feeling, and changed my prayers to you, Lord, and made my wishes and desires different. Viluit mihi repente omnis vana spes, et immortalitatem sapientiæ concupiscebam æstu cordis incredibili; et surgere coeperam ut ad te redirem. All vain hope suddenly vanished from me, and I coveted the immortality of wisdom with the heat of an incredible heart; and I began to rise to return to you. Non enim ad acuendam linguam, quod videbar emere maternis mercedibus, cum agerem annum ætatis undevigesimum, jam defuncto patre ante biennium: non ergo ad acuendam linguam referebam illum librum; neque mihi locutionem, sed quod loquebatur persuaserat. For it was not to sharpen my tongue, which I saw myself buying with my mother's wages, when I was in my nineteenth year of age, my father having already died two years before: therefore I did not refer that book to sharpen my tongue; He did not speak to me, but what he spoke had persuaded me.

Quomodo ardebam, Deus meus, quomodo ardebam revolare a terrenis ad te; et nesciebam quid ageres mecum! How I burned, my God, how I burned to fly back from earthly things to you; and I did not know what to do with me! Apud te est enim sapientia. For wisdom is with you. Amor autem sapientiæ nomen Græcum habet, quo me accendebant illæ litteræ. But the love of wisdom has a Greek name, with which they literally lit me up. Sunt qui seducant per philosophiam, magno et blando et honesto nomine colorantes et fucantes errores suos: et prope omnes qui ex illis et supra temporibus tales erant, notantur in eo libro et demonstrantur; et manifestatur ibi salutifera illa admonitio Spiritus tui per servum tuum bonum et pium: Videte ne quis vos decipiat per philosophiam et inanem seductionem, secundum traditionem hominum, secundum elementa hujus mundi, et non secundum Christum; quia in ipso inhabitat omnis plenitudo divinitatis corporaliter. There are those who seduce by philosophy, coloring and disguising their errors with a great and flattering and honorable name: and almost all who were of that kind in those and above times are noted in that book and pointed out; and that salutary admonition of your Spirit is manifested there through your good and pious servant: See that no one deceives you through philosophy and empty seduction, according to the tradition of men, according to the elements of this world, and not according to Christ; because in him dwells all the fullness of the divinity bodily. Et ego illo tempore, scis tu, lumen cordis mei, quoniam nondum mihi hæc apostolica nota erant; hoc tamen solo delectabar in illa exhortatione, quod non illam aut illam sectam, sed ipsam, quæcumque esset, sapientiam ut diligerem, et quærerem, et assequerer, et tenerem atque amplexarer fortiter, excitabar sermone illo, et accendebar, et ardebam; et hoc solum me in tanta flagrantia refrangebat, quod nomen Christi non erat ibi. And I at that time, you know, the light of my heart, since these apostolic things were not yet known to me; yet this alone pleased me in that exhortation, that not this or that sect, but the wisdom itself, whatever it was, that I might love, and seek, and attain, and hold and embrace strongly, I was awakened by that discourse, and enkindled, and burned; and this alone broke me in such ardor, that the name of Christ was not there. Quoniam hoc nomen secundum misericordiam tuam, Domine, hoc nomen Salvatoris mei Filii tui, in ipso adhuc lacte matris, tenerum cor meum præbiberat, et alte retinebat; et quidquid sine hoc nomine fuisset, quamvis litteratum, et expolitum, et veridicum, non me totum rapiebat. Because this name, according to your mercy, O Lord, this name of the Savior of your Son, while still in his mother's milk, my tender heart had given him, and kept it high; and whatever it might have been without this name, however literate, and refined, and truthful, it did not completely captivate me.