Episode 02 - part 03

Ladies, the legends do not do you justice.

Not one mention of your fuzzy muzzles. Climb aboard.

[walruses singing]

[Merkimer] Ooh!

Yes!

Uh... Should we be doing something?

I'm already smoking and laughing. What more do you want?

[laughs]

-[singing stops] -[Merkimer] Whoa!

Listen. They've stopped singing. Aye, their siren song is done for now.

And we only lost one man. That's actually not bad. Usually everyone dies. I don't advertise that fact. [chuckles]

[Mertz] Merkimer may be gone, but at least he prepaid for the barge.

-To Merkimer! -[all] To Merkimer!

As Merkimer's fiancée, I'd like to say a few words. Let's head back. Where the hell are we? This fog is as thick as chowder.

Chowder? It doesn't always have to be nautical references with me. There are plenty of other thick soups. Cream of potato, that's one. Uh... Chili... I guess that's not a soup. Uh... Ham chowder. No, that's a chowder. Uh...

What's the one with the salt? [stutters] Salt soup! There you are. Salt soup.

Bah!

Look, in the distance! The lights of the kingdom!

That's no land. It's a ship of war, flying the dread flag of the Borcs! [gasps] They must be planning a sneak attack on Dreamland!

Don't panic. We can slip away unnoticed

as long as everyone remains absolutely silent.

[loudly] What?

[grunting]

They've spotted us. Defend the barge or risk losing your deposit.

[gasps]

Fire the cannon!

Don't look at that. You didn't pay for it. [growling]

I'm sorry, guys. We're gonna die and it's all my fault. No, it was me with my incessant do it, do it, do it, do its.

That's what made you do it. Neither one of you was to blame. It was both of you. You both killed us.

[screaming]

The barge is falling apart!

Aye, 'twas held together mainly by stains. [grunting]

All the confetti cannons in the world couldn't save us now. [walruses singing]

Mermaids, attack!

[grunting and yelling]

Didn't you always want a husband that screwed 30 walruses? Yeah. Yeah, I did.

[water splashes]

King Zog, you're giving me your daughter, so it's only fair I give you something of equal value. The head of the Borc admiral!

That's not a Borc, it's a Bozak! They're our closest allies! The Bozak wedding delegation never arrived.

No wonder all those presents have been washing ashore.

Then let this be a warning to your other allies.

This is the dress my mom wore when she married my dad.

I thought when it was my turn to wear it, I'd be as happy as she was. Somehow, I don't think my portrait's gonna be nearly as happy. If you no like, I fix.

No, no, that's okay, Giuseppe. We hired you for your emotional realism.

[bells tolling]

It's time. Well, free will was fun while it lasted.

Just doing the stuff I wanted to do, going places I wanted to go.

That time I stole a baby walrus. You guys were there.

So, anyway, here comes the bride.

[sighs]

I can't bear to watch. I'll be in my cage. [bells ringing]

Anyone seen Sorcerio?

Ugh. No, he's at a wedding. Your wedding.

Well, if it isn't my little barge buddy, Elmo. Ugh, I told you, my name is Elfo. Elmo was my house. I lived in an elm.

I'm feeling a tad nervous, my tiny friend. Those mermaids worked me over pretty hard, sexually.

I may not be able to perform tonight on the marital mattress.

[grunts] Stop talking to me.

I mean, I'm drained. Haha! Here it is. Legend has it that elf blood contains

the mystical essence of life itself.

Perhaps it could perk up my poor, tuckered dong.

Please stop! There's no place like Elmo. There's no place like Elmo... Mind if I have a little sip of you juice?

Hold up. That's not elf's blood, that's pig's-- [stutters] Help yourself! Do it. Do it. Do it!

Enough rigmarole. Bring in the blushing groom.

[crowd gasping]

I've never felt such vigor. You're all invited to our marital evening. [laughs]

Hmm. Feeling a bit... [retches] What's happening? [squeals]

Well, this is odd.

[squealing and grunting]

[all gasp]

[cackles]

[crowd gasp]

[grunts]

[squeals]

Hey.

Really, Dad? [scoffs] You're fine with this? You think this arranged marriage will solve your problems?

You think that magic will? [scoffs]

You're just thinking about yourself, what you want. You don't care about me. Isn't there a point in everyone's life where they need to, like, go and figure out who they are?

Are we standing in that moment right now? Maybe.

But I know one thing, and I know it real good,

I know it really, really intensely,

and that's [stutters] I don't want to marry this pig. [squeals]

Or that one either.

Ah, to hell with it. Bean may be crazy, but she's right. This whole cursed wedding is canceled.

[all gasp]

And the bar is closed.

[all gasp angrily]

If you're calling off the wedding, I'm calling off the alliance! Oh, yeah? My knuckles'll make an alliance with your pig-fathering face! [crowd chanting] King fight! King fight!

King fight!

-King fight! King fight!

-Come on.

[crowd cheering]

[grunts]

Guys, thanks for making my wedding a day I'll always remember. Now let's see how fast we can forget it. -To us. -But mainly me!

-[crowd clamoring] -[Zog] And furthermore!

[grunts] I compliment you on that one, sir.

[pig squealing]