Mermaids vs Bigfoot (2)
No matter the name or the location, these legends all describe a large ape-like creature that lives in the forest. Bigfoot's size varies, but he is roughly between 6 to 9 feet tall, weighing about 1000 pounds. For reference, I'm 5'7 and weigh...never mind. It's pandemic weight. Any-weight, the point is: Everybody and their momma knows about Bigfoot Friend hashtag BFF hashtag rebranding.
BFF is the greatest of all time because he is great DESPITE his bad reputation. People are all “Oh Bigfoot takes your kids” or “Bigfoot is scary” or “Oh Bigfoot is stinky”. Well guess what, everybody stinks, at some point. How many times have YOU showered during the pandemic? Huh? HUH?! ?
Joy: Did you hear that?
Bigfoot: Joy….it's time to change….your clothes. You haven't showered for a week.
Joy: See. Everybody stinks.
And besides his smell and negative vibes, Bigfoot is the best social distance-er in the history of social distancing. Sightings are few and far between -- especially when it comes to having documented evidence. One of the most famous reported sightings happened in 1967. These two dudes in California spotted and recorded a film of BFF.
They got tape! A few others have gotten photos and videos from a distance-- but they're often blurry and hard to tell exactly what's going on. Is Bigfoot even real?? ?
Bigfoot is real. A real celebrity. He is killin' the game in the entertainment industry.
He's the spokesman for Jack Links beef jerky “Messing with Sasquatch”. There was the American film classic Harry and the Hendersons, or Abominable, starring a lovable BFF, and there is even a song called Sasquatch by rapper, Ice Cube.
Mermaids cannot compare! Mermaids have Disney, which is great-- if you're 5. Bigfoot is for all ages. States use BFF as an advocate for conservation: protecting his forest home against wildfires and litter! Unlike Ariel who collects garbage and hoards it on the sea floor. Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? No! It's called pollution. And if I had a choice to live in the ocean or live in the forests, I mean c'mon!
When was the last time you walked outside in the rain and you're like “Oh this is nice, I think I'll leave my umbrella at home and take off my raincoat and boots and live my life in this H20 nightmare.” Who could live like that?
And not to burst your bubble but mermaids are a lot more not real-er than BFF.
Ok…..Educated scientists, or people of fine book learnin', believe there is a possibility of a humanoid living in the forests. Grover Krantz was an anthropologist that studied and believed in Bigfoot.
Grover Krantz: You just need one, one real one. And then you know that the species is real.
Joy: His theory was that Bigfoot started in China and made its way over to the US. He pioneered the research for our BFF and collected footprints. Grover paved the way for institutions like BFRO, Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Even as early as the year 2020, BFRO collects sightings and speculations of the theory that we are not alone in the forest like this one:
Bigfoot Witness: Oh I'd say he's pretty close to almost 7 feet tall. I thought he was about that. He was big and big broad shoulders. Black furry hair, kind of brown-ish color. Black and brown-ish.
Joy: In some Native American cultures, BFF is not a friend to be recorded for tweets and tiktoks. The Sts'ailes (sayt-sails) First Nation people claim a close bond with Bigfoot, and believe him to be a spiritual being that travels between our physical and spiritual realm. Others say he only appears during a time of change.
Bigfoot: Joy...it's time to change.
Joy: I took a shower man, leave me alone.
Bigfoot: No. Change the subject!
Joy: Oh! Yes! All this to say:
There are enough stories about Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, all around the world! There are enough sightings, there are enough scientists looking for proof that you can't write Bigfoot off. Even if we never meet a Bigfoot Friend, people WANT to believe in it. We all WANT to believe in something larger than ourselves. It's not about where or what he is, it's about what he represents. We search our whole lives for something to hold on to so we can belong. But what if the very thing we are searching for is inside of us all along?
Bigfoot: Even if you don't believe in me, I believe in you.
Joy: What a great way to end, Bigfoot Friend. Hey you, get back in my basement.
Molly: A colossal and inspiring argument for Team Bigfoot. Oscar, what stood out to you about Joy's argument?
Oscar: I think that her point about Ariel and mermaids wanting to walk on land is very, very, observant. It's a smart point because why would we praise mermaids for swimming if they don't even want to be swimming? If walking on land is what we want, then Bigfoot would be better in that sense. I love that Bigfoot can represent the less desirable parts of us, but in a good way. I love that Bigfoot is good at social distancing. I also think that the pollution thing is hysterical. I never thought about it that way. Ariel is totally polluting the ocean.
Molly: Okay, Merk. I am guessing you have a few points you'd like to make.
Merk: Oh, many. Oh gosh.
Molly: It's time for your 30-second rebuttal. What were the weaknesses in Team Bigfoot's declaration? Your time starts now.
Merk: Pollution is not Ariel's fault. That is land peoples' fault, including possibly Bigfoot himself. She's reducing, reusing, recycling. She's not putting it back on land, so you're welcome humans. Ariel is the exception. Most merpeople want to stay underwater. Mermaids are global too. You're talking about BFF having a bad reputation, but you said that mermaids are bad and evil. Well, yes, that's a logical fallacy right there. Mermaids are more appealing in self-expression too. Is that time?
Molly: You have seven more seconds.
Merk: Oh shoot, oh! Yeren rhymes with Karen. We know how we feel about Karens.
Molly: Oscar, you have so much to consider here. It's time to evaluate these debaters' deliveries. Who had the stronger declaration? Which rebuttal was the best? Award a point for each. Both could go to the same debater or you can give one to each, depending on what you heard. Have you awarded your points?
Oscar: Yes, I have.
Molly: Perfect. Joy and Merk, how are you feeling about this battle so far?
Merk: I'm heated.
Joy: Oh, goodness.
Merk: Yes, I'm hurt for my girl Ariel and all of the merpeople because yes, yes I am using Ariel as the main focal point, but there's so many other mermaids out there. I feel a little bad for Bigfoot too, not going to lie.
Joy: Yes, that's all right. You know, like I said, Bigfoot's been out here doing his thing, so it's like we're used to getting spit on a little bit. I'm doing okay. I feel like I am very much representing for the Bigfoot culture and I know he's out there listening right now because he's real.
Molly: Well, we'll be back for more debate right after a quick break.
Oscar: Don't go anywhere.
Taylor Lincoln: Taylor Lincoln here with… gosh... I've lost track of how many debates you've won.
Todd Douglass: At this point, everyone knows I'm a debate genius Taylor. Just introduce me.
Taylor: Okay. (clears throat) Taylor Lincoln here with debate champ, Todd Douglas!
Todd: Howdy doody, debate-heads! Taylor and I just started as coaches for a local debate team...
Taylor: The Great Debaters!
Todd: That's right. It's a group of debaters in training. And they're actually shadowing us in the studio today. Say hello, debate heads! !
Debate-Heads: Hii! / Woooo! / Yeahhh!
Taylor: We're going to train these young debaters to sharpen their debate skills, so they can attack with precision.
Todd: And defend their claims with killer facts and logic!
Silas: Yeah! And if you're not on our team, you'll never be good at debate!
Todd: Woop! Hold up. Taylor? I think I just heard a logical fallacy.
Taylor: Yeah, me too. Silas, would you mind repeating what you just said?
Silas: (worried) Uh… yeah. (hesitant, almost whispered) If you're not on our team, you'll never be good at debate.
Todd: So Silas, you just used a logical fallacy called a false dichotomy.
Todd: Can you tell us what a logical fallacy is?
Silas: Yeah. A logical fallacy is a debate mistake that makes it really easy for your opponent to take your argument out.
Taylor: Exactly. And a false dichotomy is when you simplify your argument to an “either or” situation. Do you see how you did that?
Silas: Yeah…I made it seem like there were two options if you want to be good at debate…Like…you could be on our team, and be awesome– or NOT be on our team, and never be awesome.
Taylor: Exactly! Nice work, Silas!
Todd: Now what are some other ways our listeners can develop their debate skills?
Silas: They can join their local debate league?
Taylor: Yes! And practice with their family and friends--
Todd: And follow the news--
Taylor: And even get into arguments with themselves!
Todd: So, as you can see-- there are many ways to practice debate and become great.
Taylor: It's true! Let's give it up for our listeners!
Debate-Heads: Woooo! / Yeahhh!
Taylor: Well, that's all we've got time for today. Great example, Silas.
Silas: Thanks Two Ts.
Todd: Yeah, and thanks for taking one for the team!
Taylor: Keep on honing those debate-skills, and we'll catch you next time on…
Everyone: STATE OF DEBATE!
Molly: We're back. You're listening to Smash Boom Best.
Oscar: The show about showdowns.
Molly: I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
Oscar: I'm your judge, Oscar Wolf.
Molly: We get amazing debate ideas from our listeners all the time, like this one from Sam in Lexington, Virginia.
Sam: My debate idea is numbers versus letters.
Molly: Will check back with Sam at the end of this episode to see which side he thinks would win.
Oscar: Now, it's back to our incredible debate of the day, mermaids versus Bigfoot.
Molly: That's right. It's time for Round 2, the--
Announcer: Micro round.
Molly: Today's micro round challenge is called YouTube star. Each team was asked to imagine their side as a YouTube star telling us why they are the Smash Boom Best. Merk went first last time so Joy, you are up. Let's hear your YouTube video about Bigfoot.
Beatrice: Welcome. What's up everyone? It's your favorite Bigfoot Friend Beatrice, welcome to my channel It's a Bigfoot After All. The show where we talk about all things Bigfoot related, brought to you by combs– we need em! Today we're keeping it green– and I don't mean money. We are live from the forest.
Yup we're in my home, the woods. And it has WiFiiii!
Today's word of the day is fictitious, meaning not real or true. Here's an example: mermaids are fictitious. As you know, our anonymity is very important. And this week we've reached zero views! Ahhhhh!
And we have 30 dislike down thumb buttons. Thanks for your support.
Today I want to talk to other Bigfoots. What's it like out there for you? How are you holding up? Woah, woah, woahhhhh. We have a caller.
Caller: Uh…Yeah hi. I'm a first-time caller and long-time listener. And I'm just sick and tired of how people treat us. It's not fair!
Beatrice: I know.
Caller: We can't all make it like Darryl from Geico. Some of us are just regular Bigfoot trying to live our big feet lives.
Caller: But it's just so hard out here.
Beatrice: It's ok, let it out. I know, I can't even wrap my head around it.