George Carlin - Things You Don't Wanna Hear

Then there are some things you don't want to hear. Some thing you just flat don't want to hear. You don't want to come home from work and hear, "Honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks." You don't want to be sitting in your doctors office and hear this. "Well Jim, there's no reason why you shouldn't live another twenty to thirty years. However, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes." Here's something I don't want to hear. "I'm pregnant, your the father and I'm going to kill all three of us!" "Calm down, have some dip ." "Honey, it's the police. They have a search warrant, and the three hundred kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room." Here's something nobody wants to hear. Nobody wants to hear this. Try to think back to when this was appropriate to your life.

You and your fiancé have been invited to your mom and dad's house for dinner for the first time. Half way through dinner, your fiancé stands up and says, "I'll be right back, I gotta take a dump." There seems to be no really genteel way of announcing publicly a dump. And frankly, I'm not impressed with people who tell me what they're going to do when they go to the bathroom in the first place. Doesn't that bother you? People who announce it. "I'll be right back, I'm going to take a shit!" "Nevermind! Do what you have to do and leave me out of it. And don't describe it when you come back." "Boy, you should have seen..." "Nevermind!" "It set off the smoke alarm." "Nevermind!"