How to stop screwing yourself over | Mel Robbins | TEDxSF (2)

and you're like, "Oh my God, I don't remember ever driving here."

(Laughter)

You weren't drunk! That was your brain on autopilot.

It was functioning just at this level.

And the problem with your mind is that anytime

you do anything that's different from your normal routine,

guess what your brain does — emergency brake!

And it has that reaction for everything. Everything!

You walk into the kitchen and see

everybody's left their breakfast dishes for you.

And you think for the hundredth time, "I'm going to kill them.

In fact I'm gonna leave it here and I'm going to make them do it."

But that's not your normal routine, is it?

So your mind goes: emergency brake!

And you go right into autopilot.

"I'll just load it, and be pissed, and then not have sex.

That's what I'm going to do." (Laughter) (Applause)

So, when I say "force",

anything that's a break from your routine is going to require force.

And if you think about your life,

it's kind of funny because we are kids and then we become adults,

and we spend so much time trying to push our life

into some sort of stable routine,

and then we grow bored of it!

You wake up at the same time every day, you have largely the same breakfast,

you drive to work the same way, show up at work, look busy,

avoid making calls, update Facebook,

you attend a meeting and doodle the whole time,

go back and update Facebook, make plans for the evening,

you look busy some more, then drive home the same way,

you eat largely the same dinner or a variety of it,

you watch the same kind of media,

and then you go to bed, and do the same thing all over again!

No wonder you're bored out of your mind!

It's the routine that's killing you.

I have this theory about why people get stuck in life.

So, most of you've probably taken your Basic Psych 101 class,

and you've bumped into Abraham Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs"?

Well, your body is kinda cool. Because you have these basic needs.

And your body is wired to send you signals.

If you need food, what do you feel?

If you need water, what do you feel?

If you need sex, what do you feel? (Laughter) Thank you.

I think when you feel stuck or dissatisfied in your life,

it's a signal.

And it's not a signal that your life is broken.

It's a signal that one of your most basic needs are not being met.

Your need for exploration.

Everything about your life, about your body, grows!

Your cells regenerate, your hair, your nails,

everything grows for your entire life.

And your soul needs exploration and growth.

And the only way you'll get it is by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable.

Forcing yourself to get outside,

out of your head. Thank you.

If you're in your head, you're behind enemy lines.

That is not God talking, okay? It's not!

In fact, if I put a speaker on it and we broadcast what you say to yourself,

we would institutionalize you. (Laughter)

You would not hang out with people that talk to you

the way you talk to yourself.

So get out of your head!

Your feelings! Your feelings are screwing you!

I don't care how you feel! I care about what you want!

And if you listen to how you feel,

when it comes to what you want – you will not get it.

Because you will never feel like it.

And you need to get outside your comfort zone.

It's not about taking risks,

it's about getting outside your comfort zone.

Those first three seconds when you push yourself out of bed, they blow.

But once you're up, it's great.

Those first three seconds when you're sitting here in a stadium like this

and somebody says, "Get up and come dance,"

and you think, "Oh, I should do that,"

and then you're like, "Uhmm."

That experience that you had when you had the impulse to do it

and then you didn't do the activation energy

required to force yourself,

your emergency brake got pulled – "I'm sitting right here.

I'm not going up with those crazy people, I don't like to dance..."

What happened for me is I came up, and I bumped into Rachel,

and then we started talking, and next thing you know, she's tweeting.

And we're friends. And – boom! Get outside.

That's where the magic is.

That's where the one in four hundred trillion exists.

So everything I do – oh, OK, this is the last part. Sorry.

So one more thing that you can use, I call it the five-second-rule.

Your mind can process a facial expression in 33 milliseconds.

It can move pretty damn quick.

The other thing that it does very quickly

is if you have one of those little impulses that are pulling you,

if you don't marry it with an action within five seconds,

you pull the emergency brake and kill the idea.

Kill it!

If you have the impulse to get up and come dance while the band is playing,

if you don't stand up in five seconds,

you're going to pull the emergency brake.

If you have an impulse about,

you were inspired by somebody's speech today,

and you don't do something within five seconds

– write a note, send yourself a text –

anything physical to marry it with the idea,

you will pull the emergency brake and kill the idea.

Your problem isn't ideas. Your problem is you don't act on them.

You kill them. It's not my fault. It's not anybody's fault.

You're doing it to yourself. Stop it!

I'm counting on you. One in four hundred trillion.

You got stuff to do!

And it's not going to happen in your head.

So I want you to practice this today.

When we go off to party, thank God it's coming soon,

because I think we all could use a cocktail,

I want you to practice the five-second-rule.

You see somebody and you think you have an impulse,

they look interesting? Walk over there!

You were inspired by somebody and you have a request?

Make it!

That's why you're here!

Experiment with it, and I think you'll be shocked about what happens.

And one more thing, I want you to know that everything that I do,

whether it's the radio show, or the television show,

or the book that I wrote, or the column,

it's for you.

And if there is anything that I can do,

if I can do anything to make you do the things you don't want to do,

so you can have what you want, I will do it.

But you need to walk over, you need to open your mouth,

and you need to make the request.

You got it? Good. Go do it.

(Applause)

Thank you! Thank you, yes! Stand up!

You have the impulse, stand up! Thank you!