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The School of Life, Why We Sulk and How Not To

Why We Sulk and How Not To

One of the most exciting aspects of the early days of a relationship

can be the sense that a lover understands us, without us needing to speak too much.

With other people, we're always having to explain ourselves at length.

Even when we do, they frequently struggle to grasp our drift.

But a true lover, on the other hand, seems to get us almost immediately,

even in the finer grained aspects of our personalities.

No sooner have we tried to explain, for example, our feelings towards autumn evenings

or that bit in a song we like, when the violins start to rise, that they generously step in and say

"I know, I know", seemingly ready to confirm our every sensation and idea.

This is a profoundly beautiful and exciting discovery,

but it can give rise to a hugely troubling dynamic, in terms of the long term success of relationships,

because the view that a good lover must intuitively understand us

is, over time, one of the most dangerous suppositions, responsible for a catastrophic outbreak of sulking.

Sulking is a highly distinctive phenomenon within the psychology of love.

Crucially, we don't just sulk with anyone.

We reserve our sulks for people we believe shoud understand us,

but happen, on a given occasion, not to.

We could explain what's wrong to them, of course,

but if we did so,

it would mean that they had failed to understand us intuitively,

and therefore,

that they were not worthy of love.

A sulk is one of the odder gifts of love.

Our incensed background belief,

that a good lover should just know,

explains why on the evening when they unwittingly cause us offense at a party

we'll sit quiety in the car on the way home

and we'll reply with a simple "nothing"

when inquired if anything is up.

and when we get home,

we'll disappear straight into the bathroom and bolt the door.

And when they ask again "please, just tell me what's wrong",

we'll remain silent with our arms folded

because we implicitly believe

that a true lover,

someone really worthy of our affection,

would naturally be able to read our intentions

through the bathroom panel,

through our outer casing,

and into the caverns of our burnt and pained souls.

Sulking has its touching sides,

evoking the enormous faith

that we place in our partner's capacities to interpret us.

But, part of becoming an adult

must surely be to believe

that we cannot fairly continue to expect others to read our minds

if we've not previously deigned to lay out their contents

through the admittedly very cumbersome medium

of words.

Even the most intelligent, sensitive lover

cannot be expected to continue to navigate around us

without a lot of patiently articulated

verbal indications

of our desires and intentions.

Those charming, early, lucky guesses

about what our lovers feel

should not fool us for too long.

Even in very successful relationships

there's only a tiny amount

that a lover should ever be expected to know about their beloved

without it having been explained in language.

We shouldn't get furious when our lovers don't guess right.

Rather than bolting our mouths

and retreating into the comfortable silence of a sulk,

we should have the courage, always,

to try and explain.

Why We Sulk and How Not To Warum wir schmollen und wie wir es nicht tun Why We Sulk and How Not To Por qué nos enfadamos y cómo no hacerlo 私たちはなぜ愚痴をこぼすのか、そしてどうすれば愚痴をこぼさないのか 술을 마시는 이유와 마시지 않는 방법 Waarom we mokken en hoe het niet moet Porque é que nos amuamos e como não o fazer Почему мы дуемся и как этого не делать 为什么我们生闷气以及如何不生闷气

One of the most exciting aspects of the early days of a relationship L'un des aspects les plus excitants du début d'une relation est sans doute Salah satu aspek yang paling menarik dari hari-hari pertama dari sebuah hubungan Uno degli aspetti più emozionanti dei giorni iniziali di una relazione 関係の初期の最もエキサイティングな側面の1つ

can be the sense that a lover understands us, without us needing to speak too much. adalah sebuah perasaan tentang seorang kekasih yang dapat mengerti kita tanpa perlu berbicara panjang lebar. è la sensazione che il nostro partner ci capisca senza bisogno di dire molto

With other people, we're always having to explain ourselves at length. Dengan orang lain, kita selalu harus menjelaskan diri kita cukup panjang. Ar citiem cilvēkiem mums vienmēr nākas ilgi skaidroties. С другими людьми нам всегда приходится долго объясняться.

Even when we do, they frequently struggle to grasp our drift. Et même quand nous le faisons, ils ont souvent du mal à comprendre ce que nous voulons dire Walaupun begitu, mereka tetap saja merasa sulit untuk mengerti apa yang kita maksud. Даже когда мы это делаем, они часто с трудом понимают, к чему мы клоним.

But a true lover, on the other hand, seems to get us almost immediately, Mais un véritable amant, par contre, semble nous comprendre presque immédiatement Namun, seorang kekasih sejati, di sisi lain, ma un vero partner, dall'altra parte, sembra capirci quasi immediatamente,

even in the finer grained aspects of our personalities. même dans les aspects les plus profonds de notre personnalité. meskipun untuk bagian diri kita yang paling halus dari kepribadian kita. perfino nei più piccoli dettagli della nostre personalità.

No sooner have we tried to explain, for example, our feelings towards autumn evenings Aussitôt nous commençons à tenter d'expliquer, par exemple, nos sentiments par rapport aux soirées d'automne, Sebagai contoh, tidak pada awalnya, kita mencoba untuk menjelaskan tentang perasaan kita terhadap sore hari di musim gugur, Не успели мы попытаться объяснить, например, наши чувства к осенним вечерам, как они тут как тут.

or that bit in a song we like, when the violins start to rise, that they generously step in and say ou bien ce passage dans une chanson que l'on aime, où le son des violons commence à s'élever, atau sepenggal dari sebuah lagu yang kita sukai ketika biola-biola mulai diangkat или тот момент в песне, который нам нравится, когда скрипки начинают подниматься, что они великодушно вступают и говорят

"I know, I know", seemingly ready to confirm our every sensation and idea. "Aku tahu! Aku tahu!" "Я знаю, я знаю", казалось бы, готовый подтвердить каждое наше ощущение и мысль.

This is a profoundly beautiful and exciting discovery, Ceci est une découverte profondément belle et excitante, mais cela peut donner lieu à une dynamique extrêmement problématique Questa è una scoperta profondamente bella ed emozionante, Это глубоко прекрасное и волнующее открытие,

but it can give rise to a hugely troubling dynamic, in terms of the long term success of relationships, Akan tetapi, ma può dar luogo a una grave problematica но это может привести к чрезвычайно тревожной динамике с точки зрения долгосрочного успеха отношений,

because the view that a good lover must intuitively understand us Karena, perché l'idea che un buon partner debba capirci intuitivamente diventa, col tempo,

is, over time, one of the most dangerous suppositions, responsible for a catastrophic outbreak of sulking. со временем становится одним из самых опасных предположений, вызывающих катастрофические вспышки дурноты.

Sulking is a highly distinctive phenomenon within the psychology of love. La bouderie est un phénomène très distinctif au sein de la psychologie de l'amour. Merajuk adalah fenomena yang sangat khas di dalam psikologi cinta. Mettere il broncio è un fenomeno altamente distintivo all'interno della psicologia dell'amore: Сюсюканье - это весьма своеобразное явление в психологии любви.

Crucially, we don't just sulk with anyone. Essentiellement, nous ne boudons pas n'importe qui; nous réservons nos bouderies pour les personnes qui, selon nous, devraient nous comprendre non mettiamo il broncio con chiunque,

We reserve our sulks for people we believe shoud understand us, Kita menyimpan rajukkan kita untuk orang yang, kita percaya, seharusnya mengerti diri kita. ma solo con coloro che crediamo debbano capirci e che in un'occasione non lo fanno. Мы не обижаемся на людей, которые, как нам кажется, должны нас понять,

but happen, on a given occasion, not to. mais qui à certaines occasions ne semblent pas le faire. Namun, pada waktu-waktu tertentu, tidak mengerti. но в определенный момент случается, что нет.

We could explain what's wrong to them, of course, Nous pourrions leur expliquer ce qui ne va pas, bien sûr, mais si nous le faisions cela voudrait dire qu'ils n'ont pas réussi à nous comprendre intuitivement Potremmo, ovviamente, spiegar loro cosa non va,

but if we did so, ma se lo facessimo significherebbe che loro hanno fallito nel capirci intuitivamente e, per questo, non sarebbero degni di essere amati.

it would mean that they had failed to understand us intuitively, berarti mereka telah gagal, dengan intuitif, mengerti kita dan, maka karena itu, mereka tidak pantas untuk cinta.

and therefore, et que donc, ils ne méritent pas d'amour.

that they were not worthy of love.

A sulk is one of the odder gifts of love. La bouderie est l'un des dons d'amour les plus étranges. Il broncio è uno dei regali più strani che l'amore fa.

Our incensed background belief, Latar belakang kemarahan kita percaya, bahwa kekasih yang baik harus langsung tahu. La nostra idea insensata che un buon partner debba sapere tutto Mūsu aizkaitinātā fona pārliecība, Наше негодующее фоновое убеждение,

that a good lover should just know,

explains why on the evening when they unwittingly cause us offense at a party explique pourquoi, en soirée, quand ils nous blessent involontairement, Dapat menjelaskan, mengapa spiega il perché, quando la sera ad una festa ci offende inconsapevolmente, объясняет, почему в тот вечер, когда они невольно нанесли нам обиду на вечеринке.

we'll sit quiety in the car on the way home nous nous asseyons calmement dans la voiture sur le chemin du retour kemudian kita duduk dengan diam di dalam mobil ketika dalam perjalanan ke rumah, stiamo in silenzio durante il tragitto in auto e rispondiamo con un "Niente" quando ci viene chiesto cosa succede.

and we'll reply with a simple "nothing"

when inquired if anything is up. ketika dia menanyakan, "Ada apa?" когда поинтересовался, не случилось ли чего.

and when we get home, Et quand nous arrivons à la maison, nous disparaissons tout de suite dans la salle de bain et bloquons la porte; dan ketika kita sampai di rumah, e quando arriviamo a casa scompariamo nel bagno chiudendo la porta, e quando ci viene chiesto ancora: "Per favore, dimmi che hai",

we'll disappear straight into the bathroom and bolt the door. kita langsung menghilang ke kamar mandi dan mengunci pintu. mēs iesim uzreiz uz vannas istabu un aizvērsim durvis.

And when they ask again "please, just tell me what's wrong", et quand ils nous demandent encore une fois "s'il te plaît, dis-moi ce qui ne va pas" Dan ketika dia bertanya lagi,

we'll remain silent with our arms folded nous restons silencieux avec les bras croisés; kita akan tetap diam dengan tangan kita terlipat. noi stiamo in silenzio con le braccia incrociate perché implicitamente pensiamo che chi ci ama davvero, qualcuno realmente degno del nostro affetto,

because we implicitly believe parce que nous croyons implicitement qu'un véritable amant, quelqu'un qui mériterait vraiment notre affection Karena, kita percaya dengan yakin bahwa kekasih sejati, orang yang sangat pantas akan kasih sayang kita, akan dapat, secara alami, membaca intensi kita

that a true lover,

someone really worthy of our affection,

would naturally be able to read our intentions serait naturellement capable de lire nos intentions à travers la porte de la salle de bain,

through the bathroom panel, melalui dinding kamar mandi,

through our outer casing, à travers notre carapace et à l'intérieur des cavernes de notre âme accablée et blessée. melalui "cangkang luar" diri kita, attraverso il nostro corpo, e nelle nostre anime brucianti e doloranti.

and into the caverns of our burnt and pained souls. dan masuk ke gua jiwa kita yang terbakar dan sakit.

Sulking has its touching sides, Bouder a un aspect délicat, évoquant la foi considérable que nous plaçons dans la capacité de notre partenaire de nous déchiffrer. Merajuk memiliki sisi-sisinya yang menyentuh. Mettere il broncio ha degli aspetti toccanti, ci ricorda l'enorme fiducia che poniamo nella capacità dei nostri partner di interpretarci; У уныния есть свои трогательные стороны,

evoking the enormous faith Membangkitkan kepercayaan yang besar yang kita berikan kepada kapasitas pasangan kita untuk menginterpretasi diri kita.

that we place in our partner's capacities to interpret us. которые мы возлагаем на способность нашего партнера интерпретировать нас.

But, part of becoming an adult Mais devenir un adulte signifie, en partie, que nous ne pouvons plus continuer de croire que les autres peuvent lire notre esprit Akan tetapi, bagian dari menjadi dewasa, tentunya harus percaya, kalau kita tidak bisa terus menerus berharap orang lain dapat membaca pikiran kita, ma, divenendo adulti, bisogna capire che non possiamo continuare ad aspettarci che gli altri leggano le nostre menti Но, часть становления взрослым

must surely be to believe

that we cannot fairly continue to expect others to read our minds

if we've not previously deigned to lay out their contents si précédemment nous n'avons pas daigné exposer son contenu à travers un medium qui, il est vrai, est assez laborieux: les mots jika kita, sebelumnya, tidak berkenan untuk membeberkan isinya ke dalam sebuah medium, yang kita setujui sangat menyulitkan, yaitu se non abbiamo in precedenza chiarito i loro contenuti attraverso quell'ingombrante mezzo che sono le parole.

through the admittedly very cumbersome medium izmantojot, protams, ļoti apgrūtinošo līdzekli. через, по общему признанию, очень громоздкий носитель

of words. kata-kata.

Even the most intelligent, sensitive lover Même de l'amant le plus intelligent et sensible, nous ne pouvons attendre qu'il navigue autour de nous Bahkan seorang kekasih yang paling pintar dan sensitif, tidak dapat diharapkan untuk terus bernavigasi di sekitar kita Perfino il partner più sensibile e intelligente non può continuare a girare intorno a noi

cannot be expected to continue to navigate around us

without a lot of patiently articulated sans avoir recours à de nombreuses indications verbales soigneusement articulées de nos désirs et de nos intentions. tanpa banyak indikasi-indikasi verbal dari hasrat dan intensi kita yang diartikulasikan dengan sabar. senza delle precise indicazioni verbali dei nostri desideri e intenzioni.

verbal indications

of our desires and intentions.

Those charming, early, lucky guesses Les charmants premiers jeux de devinette à propos de ce que notre amant ressent Tebakkan-tebakkan awal yang menawan dan beruntung itu, tentang apa yang kekasih kita rasakan, seharusnya tidak menipu kita untuk waktu yang lama. Quelle affascinanti e fortunose prime intuizioni riguardo a ciò che i nostri partner provano non devono ingannarci troppo a lungo;

about what our lovers feel

should not fool us for too long. ne devraient pas nous détromper pendant trop longtemps.

Even in very successful relationships Même dans les relations les plus réussies, il n'y a qu'une partie infime de choses qu'un amant devrait être capable de deviner chez l'être aimé Bahkan dalam hubungan-hubungan yang sangat sukses, hanya ada "sedikit" hal yang diharapkan diketahui seorang kekasih tentang orang yang dicintainya, yang tidak perlu dijelaskan dalam sebuah bahasa. perfino nelle relazioni che hanno un gran successo

there's only a tiny amount c'è solo una piccola quantità di informazioni che possiamo aspettarci che un partner conosca

that a lover should ever be expected to know about their beloved

without it having been explained in language. sans qu'elles aient été exprimées à travers le language.

We shouldn't get furious when our lovers don't guess right. Kita tidak perlu marah ketika kekasih kita tidak menebak dengan benar. Non dobbiamo infuriarci quando i nostri partner non indovinano Mums nevajadzētu dusmoties, ja mūsu mīļākie nenojauš pareizi.

Rather than bolting our mouths plutôt que de fermer notre esprit et de nous réfugier dans les silences réconfortants de la bouderie Daripada mengunci mulut kita dan menarik diri ke dalam sunyi yang menenangkan dari merajuk, Anziché chiudere le nostre bocche e ritirarci nel silenzio confortante di un broncio, Вместо того, чтобы затыкать нам рот

and retreating into the comfortable silence of a sulk, un iegrimst ērtā klusumā,

we should have the courage, always, nous devrions avoir le courage de toujours essayer d'expliquer. kita harus memiliki keberanian dobbiamo sempre avere il coraggio di provare a spiegare.

to try and explain. untuk mencoba dan menjelaskan.