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Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu, VI. A Very Strange Agony

VI. A Very Strange Agony

When we got into the drawing room, and had sat down to our coffee and chocolate, although Carmilla did not take any, she seemed quite herself again, and Madame, and Mademoiselle De Lafontaine, joined us, and made a little card party, in the course of which papa came in for what he called his "dish of tea." When the game was over he sat down beside Carmilla on the sofa, and asked her, a little anxiously, whether she had heard from her mother since her arrival.

She answered "No." He then asked whether she knew where a letter would reach her at present.

"I cannot tell," she answered ambiguously, "but I have been thinking of leaving you; you have been already too hospitable and too kind to me. I have given you an infinity of trouble, and I should wish to take a carriage tomorrow, and post in pursuit of her; I know where I shall ultimately find her, although I dare not yet tell you." "But you must not dream of any such thing," exclaimed my father, to my great relief. "We can't afford to lose you so, and I won't consent to your leaving us, except under the care of your mother, who was so good as to consent to your remaining with us till she should herself return. I should be quite happy if I knew that you heard from her: but this evening the accounts of the progress of the mysterious disease that has invaded our neighborhood, grow even more alarming; and my beautiful guest, I do feel the responsibility, unaided by advice from your mother, very much. But I shall do my best; and one thing is certain, that you must not think of leaving us without her distinct direction to that effect. We should suffer too much in parting from you to consent to it easily." "Thank you, sir, a thousand times for your hospitality," she answered, smiling bashfully. "You have all been too kind to me; I have seldom been so happy in all my life before, as in your beautiful chateau, under your care, and in the society of your dear daughter." So he gallantly, in his old-fashioned way, kissed her hand, smiling and pleased at her little speech.

I accompanied Carmilla as usual to her room, and sat and chatted with her while she was preparing for bed.

"Do you think," I said at length, "that you will ever confide fully in me?" She turned round smiling, but made no answer, only continued to smile on me.

"You won't answer that?" I said. "You can't answer pleasantly; I ought not to have asked you." "You were quite right to ask me that, or anything. You do not know how dear you are to me, or you could not think any confidence too great to look for.

But I am under vows, no nun half so awfully, and I dare not tell my story yet, even to you. The time is very near when you shall know everything. You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent the more selfish. How jealous I am you cannot know. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me and still come with me. and hating me through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature." "Now, Carmilla, you are going to talk your wild nonsense again," I said hastily. "Not I, silly little fool as I am, and full of whims and fancies; for your sake I'll talk like a sage. Were you ever at a ball?" "No; how you do run on. What is it like? How charming it must be." "I almost forget, it is years ago." I laughed.

"You are not so old. Your first ball can hardly be forgotten yet." "I remember everything about it--with an effort. I see it all, as divers see what is going on above them, through a medium, dense, rippling, but transparent. There occurred that night what has confused the picture, and made its colours faint. I was all but assassinated in my bed, wounded here," she touched her breast, "and never was the same since." "Were you near dying?" "Yes, very--a cruel love--strange love, that would have taken my life. Love will have its sacrifices. No sacrifice without blood. Let us go to sleep now; I feel so lazy. How can I get up just now and lock my door?" She was lying with her tiny hands buried in her rich wavy hair, under her cheek, her little head upon the pillow, and her glittering eyes followed me wherever I moved, with a kind of shy smile that I could not decipher.

I bid her good night, and crept from the room with an uncomfortable sensation.

I often wondered whether our pretty guest ever said her prayers. I certainly had never seen her upon her knees. In the morning she never came down until long after our family prayers were over, and at night she never left the drawing room to attend our brief evening prayers in the hall.

If it had not been that it had casually come out in one of our careless talks that she had been baptised, I should have doubted her being a Christian. Religion was a subject on which I had never heard her speak a word. If I had known the world better, this particular neglect or antipathy would not have so much surprised me.

The precautions of nervous people are infectious, and persons of a like temperament are pretty sure, after a time, to imitate them. I had adopted Carmilla's habit of locking her bedroom door, having taken into my head all her whimsical alarms about midnight invaders and prowling assassins. I had also adopted her precaution of making a brief search through her room, to satisfy herself that no lurking assassin or robber was "ensconced." These wise measures taken, I got into my bed and fell asleep. A light was burning in my room. This was an old habit, of very early date, and which nothing could have tempted me to dispense with.

Thus fortifed I might take my rest in peace. But dreams come through stone walls, light up dark rooms, or darken light ones, and their persons make their exits and their entrances as they please, and laugh at locksmiths.

I had a dream that night that was the beginning of a very strange agony.

I cannot call it a nightmare, for I was quite conscious of being asleep.

But I was equally conscious of being in my room, and lying in bed, precisely as I actually was. I saw, or fancied I saw, the room and its furniture just as I had seen it last, except that it was very dark, and I saw something moving round the foot of the bed, which at first I could not accurately distinguish. But I soon saw that it was a sooty-black animal that resembled a monstrous cat. It appeared to me about four or five feet long for it measured fully the length of the hearthrug as it passed over it; and it continued to-ing and fro-ing with the lithe, sinister restlessness of a beast in a cage. I could not cry out, although as you may suppose, I was terrified. Its pace was growing faster, and the room rapidly darker and darker, and at length so dark that I could no longer see anything of it but its eyes. I felt it spring lightly on the bed. The two broad eyes approached my face, and suddenly I felt a stinging pain as if two large needles darted, an inch or two apart, deep into my breast. I waked with a scream. The room was lighted by the candle that burnt there all through the night, and I saw a female figure standing at the foot of the bed, a little at the right side. It was in a dark loose dress, and its hair was down and covered its shoulders. A block of stone could not have been more still. There was not the slightest stir of respiration. As I stared at it, the figure appeared to have changed its place, and was now nearer the door; then, close to it, the door opened, and it passed out.

I was now relieved, and able to breathe and move. My first thought was that Carmilla had been playing me a trick, and that I had forgotten to secure my door. I hastened to it, and found it locked as usual on the inside. I was afraid to open it--I was horrified. I sprang into my bed and covered my head up in the bedclothes, and lay there more dead than alive till morning.

VI. A Very Strange Agony VI. Una agonía muy extraña VI. Uma agonia muito estranha VI. Очень странная агония 六.一种非常奇怪的痛苦

When we got into the drawing room, and had sat down to our coffee and chocolate, although Carmilla did not take any, she seemed quite herself again, and Madame, and Mademoiselle De Lafontaine, joined us, and made a little card party, in the course of which papa came in for what he called his "dish of tea." When the game was over he sat down beside Carmilla on the sofa, and asked her, a little anxiously, whether she had heard from her mother since her arrival.

She answered "No." He then asked whether she knew where a letter would reach her at present. Il lui demanda alors si elle savait où une lettre lui parviendrait à présent.

"I cannot tell," she answered ambiguously, "but I have been thinking of leaving you; you have been already too hospitable and too kind to me. I have given you an infinity of trouble, and I should wish to take a carriage tomorrow, and post in pursuit of her; I know where I shall ultimately find her, although I dare not yet tell you." Je vous ai donné une infinité de peines, et je voudrais prendre une voiture demain et poster à sa poursuite ; Je sais où je la trouverai finalement, bien que je n'ose pas encore vous le dire." "But you must not dream of any such thing," exclaimed my father, to my great relief. "We can't afford to lose you so, and I won't consent to your leaving us, except under the care of your mother, who was so good as to consent to your remaining with us till she should herself return. I should be quite happy if I knew that you heard from her: but this evening the accounts of the progress of the mysterious disease that has invaded our neighborhood, grow even more alarming; and my beautiful guest, I do feel the responsibility, unaided by advice from your mother, very much. Je serais bien heureux si je savais que vous aviez de ses nouvelles : mais ce soir les récits des progrès de la mystérieuse maladie qui a envahi notre voisinage, deviennent encore plus alarmants ; et ma belle invitée, je me sens très responsable, sans l'aide des conseils de ta mère. But I shall do my best; and one thing is certain, that you must not think of leaving us without her distinct direction to that effect. Mais je ferai de mon mieux; et une chose est certaine, c'est que vous ne devez pas songer à nous laisser sans sa direction distincte à cet effet. We should suffer too much in parting from you to consent to it easily." "Thank you, sir, a thousand times for your hospitality," she answered, smiling bashfully. "You have all been too kind to me; I have seldom been so happy in all my life before, as in your beautiful chateau, under your care, and in the society of your dear daughter." So he gallantly, in his old-fashioned way, kissed her hand, smiling and pleased at her little speech.

I accompanied Carmilla as usual to her room, and sat and chatted with her while she was preparing for bed.

"Do you think," I said at length, "that you will ever confide fully in me?" "Pensez-vous," dis-je longuement, "que vous vous confierez jamais entièrement à moi?" She turned round smiling, but made no answer, only continued to smile on me.

"You won't answer that?" I said. "You can't answer pleasantly; I ought not to have asked you." "You were quite right to ask me that, or anything. You do not know how dear you are to me, or you could not think any confidence too great to look for. Vous ne savez pas à quel point vous m'êtes cher, ou vous ne pourriez pas penser qu'une confiance soit trop grande pour être recherchée.

But I am under vows, no nun half so awfully, and I dare not tell my story yet, even to you. Mais je suis sous vœux, aucune religieuse à moitié si terriblement, et je n'ose pas encore raconter mon histoire, même à vous. The time is very near when you shall know everything. You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent the more selfish. How jealous I am you cannot know. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me and still come with me. and hating me through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature." Il n'y a pas de mot tel que l'indifférence dans ma nature apathique." "Now, Carmilla, you are going to talk your wild nonsense again," I said hastily. "Maintenant, Carmilla, tu vas encore dire tes folles bêtises," dis-je à la hâte. "Not I, silly little fool as I am, and full of whims and fancies; for your sake I'll talk like a sage. "Pas moi, petit fou idiot que je suis, et plein de caprices et de fantaisies ; pour toi, je parlerai comme un sage. Were you ever at a ball?" Avez-vous déjà été à un bal ?" "No; how you do run on. « Non, comment tu cours. What is it like? How charming it must be." "I almost forget, it is years ago." I laughed.

"You are not so old. Your first ball can hardly be forgotten yet." "I remember everything about it--with an effort. I see it all, as divers see what is going on above them, through a medium, dense, rippling, but transparent. Je vois tout, comme les plongeurs voient ce qui se passe au-dessus d'eux, à travers un médium, dense, ondulant, mais transparent. There occurred that night what has confused the picture, and made its colours faint. Il s'est produit cette nuit-là ce qui a troublé le tableau, et rendu ses couleurs pâles. I was all but assassinated in my bed, wounded here," she touched her breast, "and never was the same since." J'ai été pratiquement assassinée dans mon lit, blessée ici, " elle se toucha la poitrine, " et depuis, je n'ai plus jamais été la même. "Were you near dying?" « Étiez-vous près de mourir ? "Yes, very--a cruel love--strange love, that would have taken my life. Love will have its sacrifices. No sacrifice without blood. Let us go to sleep now; I feel so lazy. How can I get up just now and lock my door?" Comment puis-je me lever maintenant et verrouiller ma porte ?" She was lying with her tiny hands buried in her rich wavy hair, under her cheek, her little head upon the pillow, and her glittering eyes followed me wherever I moved, with a kind of shy smile that I could not decipher. Elle était allongée avec ses petites mains enfoncées dans ses riches cheveux ondulés, sous sa joue, sa petite tête sur l'oreiller, et ses yeux brillants me suivaient partout où je bougeais, avec une sorte de sourire timide que je ne pouvais pas déchiffrer.

I bid her good night, and crept from the room with an uncomfortable sensation.

I often wondered whether our pretty guest ever said her prayers. I certainly had never seen her upon her knees. In the morning she never came down until long after our family prayers were over, and at night she never left the drawing room to attend our brief evening prayers in the hall.

If it had not been that it had casually come out in one of our careless talks that she had been baptised, I should have doubted her being a Christian. S'il n'avait pas été qu'il était sorti par hasard dans l'un de nos entretiens négligents qu'elle avait été baptisée, j'aurais douté qu'elle soit chrétienne. Religion was a subject on which I had never heard her speak a word. If I had known the world better, this particular neglect or antipathy would not have so much surprised me. Si j'avais mieux connu le monde, cette négligence ou cette antipathie particulière ne m'aurait pas tellement surpris.

The precautions of nervous people are infectious, and persons of a like temperament are pretty sure, after a time, to imitate them. Les précautions des gens nerveux sont contagieuses, et les personnes d'un tempérament semblable sont à peu près sûres, après un certain temps, de les imiter. I had adopted Carmilla's habit of locking her bedroom door, having taken into my head all her whimsical alarms about midnight invaders and prowling assassins. J'avais adopté l'habitude de Carmilla de verrouiller la porte de sa chambre, ayant pris en tête toutes ses alarmes fantaisistes concernant les envahisseurs de minuit et les assassins rôdant. I had also adopted her precaution of making a brief search through her room, to satisfy herself that no lurking assassin or robber was "ensconced." These wise measures taken, I got into my bed and fell asleep. A light was burning in my room. This was an old habit, of very early date, and which nothing could have tempted me to dispense with. C'était une vieille habitude, très ancienne, et dont rien ne pouvait me tenter de me passer.

Thus fortifed I might take my rest in peace. But dreams come through stone walls, light up dark rooms, or darken light ones, and their persons make their exits and their entrances as they please, and laugh at locksmiths. Mais les rêves traversent les murs de pierre, éclairent les pièces sombres ou obscurcissent les pièces claires, et leurs personnes font leurs sorties et leurs entrées à leur guise, et se moquent des serruriers.

I had a dream that night that was the beginning of a very strange agony. J'ai fait un rêve cette nuit-là qui fut le début d'une agonie très étrange.

I cannot call it a nightmare, for I was quite conscious of being asleep.

But I was equally conscious of being in my room, and lying in bed, precisely as I actually was. I saw, or fancied I saw, the room and its furniture just as I had seen it last, except that it was very dark, and I saw something moving round the foot of the bed, which at first I could not accurately distinguish. J'ai vu, ou cru voir, la chambre et ses meubles tels que je les avais vus la dernière fois, sauf qu'il faisait très sombre, et j'ai vu quelque chose bouger autour du pied du lit, ce que je ne pus d'abord distinguer avec précision. But I soon saw that it was a sooty-black animal that resembled a monstrous cat. It appeared to me about four or five feet long for it measured fully the length of the hearthrug as it passed over it; and it continued to-ing and fro-ing with the lithe, sinister restlessness of a beast in a cage. Il m'a semblé long d'environ quatre ou cinq pieds car il mesurait pleinement la longueur du tapis de foyer lorsqu'il passait dessus; et cela continuait d'aller et venir avec l'agitation souple et sinistre d'une bête en cage. I could not cry out, although as you may suppose, I was terrified. Its pace was growing faster, and the room rapidly darker and darker, and at length so dark that I could no longer see anything of it but its eyes. Son rythme s'accélérait, et la pièce devenait rapidement de plus en plus sombre, et enfin si sombre que je n'en voyais plus que ses yeux. I felt it spring lightly on the bed. The two broad eyes approached my face, and suddenly I felt a stinging pain as if two large needles darted, an inch or two apart, deep into my breast. Les deux grands yeux se sont approchés de mon visage, et soudain j'ai ressenti une douleur lancinante comme si deux grosses aiguilles s'enfonçaient profondément dans ma poitrine, à un pouce ou deux d'écart. I waked with a scream. The room was lighted by the candle that burnt there all through the night, and I saw a female figure standing at the foot of the bed, a little at the right side. It was in a dark loose dress, and its hair was down and covered its shoulders. A block of stone could not have been more still. There was not the slightest stir of respiration. Il n'y avait pas le moindre mouvement de respiration. As I stared at it, the figure appeared to have changed its place, and was now nearer the door; then, close to it, the door opened, and it passed out. Tandis que je la regardais, la silhouette semblait avoir changé de place et se trouvait maintenant plus près de la porte ; puis, près de lui, la porte s'ouvrit, et il s'évanouit.

I was now relieved, and able to breathe and move. My first thought was that Carmilla had been playing me a trick, and that I had forgotten to secure my door. I hastened to it, and found it locked as usual on the inside. I was afraid to open it--I was horrified. I sprang into my bed and covered my head up in the bedclothes, and lay there more dead than alive till morning. J'ai sauté dans mon lit et couvert ma tête dans les draps, et je suis resté là plus mort que vivant jusqu'au matin.