(III)Six Ways To Make People Like You- Part Two (1)
Part Two - Ways To Make People Like You
1 Do This And You'll Be Welcome Anywhere Why read this book to find out how to win friends?
Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever
known?
Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street.
When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail.
If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you.
And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he
doesn't want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn't want to
marry you.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't
have to work for a living?
A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing.
But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
When I was five years old, my father bought a little yellow-haired
pup for fifty cents.
He was the light and joy of my childhood. Every afternoon about four-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his
beautiful eyes staring steadfastly at the path, and as soon as he
heard my voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail through the buck
brush, he was off like a shot, racing breathlessly up the hill to greet
me with leaps of joy and barks of sheer ecstasy.
Tippy was my constant companion for five years.
Then one tragic night - I shall never forget it - he was killed within ten feet of my
head, killed by lightning.
Tippy's death was the tragedy of my boyhood.
You never read a book on psychology, Tippy.
You didn't need to. You
knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two
months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you
can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Let me repeat that.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by
trying to get other people interested in you.
Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to
wigwag other people into becoming interested in them.
Of course, it doesn't work.
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me.
They are interested in themselves - morning, noon and after dinner.
The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of
telephone conversations to find out which word is the most
frequently used.
You have guessed it: it is the personal pronoun "I. "I.
" I. " It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations. "I.
"I.
" "I. " "I. " When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first?
If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us,
we will never have many true, sincere friends.
Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said:
"Josephine, I have been as fortunate as any man ever was on this
earth; and yet, at this hour, you are the only person in the world on
whom I can rely.
" And historians doubt whether he could rely even on her.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book
entitled What Life Should Mean to You.
In that book he says: "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the
greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.
It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming
across a statement more significant for you and for me.
Adler's statement is so rich with meaning that I am going to repeat it in
italics: It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has
the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to
others.
It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
I once took a course in short-story writing at New York University,
and during that course the editor of a leading magazine talked to our
class.
He said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that drifted across his desk every day and after reading a few paragraphs
he could feel whether or not the author liked people.
"If the author doesn't like people," he said, "people won't like his or her stories.
This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on
fiction writing and apologized for preaching a sermon.
"I am telling you," he said, "the same things your preacher would tell you, but
remember, you have to be interested in people if you want to be a
successful writer of stories.
If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it is true of dealing
with people face-to-face.
I spent an evening in the dressing room of Howard Thurston the last
time he appeared on Broadway -Thurston was the acknowledged
dean of magicians.
For forty years he had traveled all over the world, time and again, creating illusions, mystifying audiences, and making
people gasp with astonishment.
More than 60 million people had paid admission to his show, and he had made almost $2 million in
profit.
I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success.
His schooling certainly had nothing to do with it, for he ran away from
home as a small boy, became a hobo, rode in boxcars, slept in
haystacks, begged his food from door to door, and learned to read
by looking out of boxcars at signs along the railway.
Did he have a superior knowledge of magic?
No, he told me hundreds of books had been written about legerdemain and scores
of people knew as much about it as he did.
But he had two things that the others didn't have.
First, he had the ability to put his personality across the footlights.
He was a master showman. knew human nature.
Everything he did, every gesture, every intonation of his voice, every lifting of an eyebrow had been carefully
rehearsed in advance, and his actions were timed to split seconds.
But, in addition to that, Thurston had a genuine interest in people.
He told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say
to themselves, "Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, a bunch
of hicks; I'll fool them all right.
" But Thurston's method was totally different.
He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself: "I am grateful because these people come to see me, They
make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way.
I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can.
He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first
saying to himself over and over: "I love my audience.
I love my audience.
" Ridiculous? Absurd? You are privileged to think anything you like.
I am merely passing it on to you without comment as a recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time.
George Dyke of North Warren, Pennsylvania, was forced to retire
from his service station business after thirty years when a new
highway was constructed over the site of his station.
It wasn't long before the idle days of retirement began to bore him, so he started
filling in his time trying to play music on his old fiddle.
Soon he was traveling the area to listen to music and talk with many of the
accomplished fiddlers.
In his humble and friendly way he became generally interested in learning the background and interests of
every musician he met.
Although he was not a great fiddler himself, he made many friends in this pursuit.
He attended competitions and soon became known to the country music fans in the eastern part of
the United States as "Uncle George, the Fiddle Scraper from Kinzua
County.
" When we heard Uncle George, he was seventy-two and enjoying every minute of his life.
By having a sustained interest in other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most
people consider their productive years over.
That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt's
astonishing popularity.
Even his servants loved him. His valet, James Amos, wrote a book about him entitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet.
In that book Amos relates this illuminating incident: My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite.
She had never seen one and he described it to her fully.
Sometime later, the telephone at our cottage rang.
[Amos and his wife lived in a little cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay.
] My wife answered it and it was Mr. Roosevelt himself.
He had called her, he said, to tell her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she
would look out she might see it.
Little things like that were so characteristic of him.
Whenever he went by our cottage, even though we were out of sight, we would hear him call out: "Oo-oo-oo,
Annie?
" or "Oo-oo-oo, James! " It was just a friendly greeting as he went by.
How could employees keep from liking a man like that?
How could anyone keep from liking him?
Roosevelt called at the White House one day when the President and Mrs. Taft were away.
His honest liking for humble people was shown by the fact that he greeted all
the old White House servants by name, even the scullery maids.
"When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid," writes Archie Butt, "he asked
her if she still made corn bread.
Alice told him that she sometimes made it for the servants, but no one ate it upstairs.
"'They show bad taste,' Roosevelt boomed, 'and I'll tell the President
so when I see him.
"Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he went over to the
office eating it as he went and greeting gardeners and laborers as he
passed.
"He addressed each person just as he had addressed them in the
past.
Ike Hoover, who had been head usher at the White House for forty years, said with tears in his eyes: 'It is the only happy day we
had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a
hundred-dollar bill.
' " The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped
sales representative Edward M. Sykes, Jr., of Chatham, New Jersey,
retain an account.
"Many years ago," he reported, "I called on customers for Johnson and Johnson in the Massachusetts area.
One account was a drug store in Hingham.
Whenever I went into this store I would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few
minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order.
One day I went up to the owner of the store, and he told me to leave as he
was not interested in buying J&J products anymore because he felt they were concentrating their activities on food and discount stores
to the detriment of the small drugstore.
I left with my tail between my legs and drove around the town for several hours.
Finally, I decided to go back and try at least to explain our position to the
owner of the store.
"When I returned I walked in and as usual said hello to the soda
clerk and sales clerk.
When I walked up to the owner, he smiled at me and welcomed me back.
He then gave me double the usual order, I looked at him with surprise and asked him what had
happened since my visit only a few hours earlier.
He pointed to the young man at the soda fountain and said that after I had left, the
boy had come over and said that I was one of the few salespeople
that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to
the others in the store.
He told the owner that if any salesperson deserved his business, it was I. The owner agreed and remained a
loyal customer.
I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a sales-person to
possess - for any person, for that matter.
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the
attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after
people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
Let me illustrate. Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at the Brooklyn
Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and
busy authors as Kathleen Norris, Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert
Payson Terhune and Rupert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us
the benefit of their experiences.
So we wrote them, saying we admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice
and learning the secrets of their success.
Each of these letters was signed by about a hundred and fifty
students.
We said we realized that these authors were busy - too busy to prepare a lecture.
So we enclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and their methods of work.
They
liked that.
Who wouldn't like it? So they left their homes and traveled to Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.
By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of
the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt's cabinet; George W.
Wickersham, attorney general in Taft's cabinet; William Jennings
Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt and many other prominent men to
come to talk to the students of my courses in public speaking.
All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a
king upon his throne - all of us like people who admire us.
Take the German Kaiser, for example.
At the close of World War I he was probably the most savagely and universally despised man on this
earth.
Even his own nation turned against him when he fled over into Holland to save his neck.
The hatred against him was so intense that millions of people would have loved to tear him limb from limb or
burn him at the stake.
In the midst of all this forest fire of fury, one little boy wrote the Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with
kindliness and admiration.
This little boy said that no matter what the others thought, he would always love Wilhelm as his Emperor.
The Kaiser was deeply touched by his letter and invited the little boy
to come to see him.
The boy came, so did his mother - and the Kaiser married her.
That little boy didn't need to read a book on how to win friends and influence people.
He knew how instinctively. If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for
other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and
thoughtfulness.
When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started out on
that tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could make
public talks in the language of the country; and the South Americans
loved him for it.
For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends.
How?
Although I haven't the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of
one's birth has anything to do with character and disposition.
I then asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth.
If he or she said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,
"November 24, November 24.
" The minute my friend's back was turned, I wrote down the name and birthday and later would transfer
it to a birthday book.
At the beginning of each year, I had these birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to
my attention automatically.
When the natal day arrived, there was my letter or telegram.
What a hit it made! I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered.
If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and
enthusiasm.
When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology.
Say "Hello" in tones that bespeak how pleased YOU are to have the person call.
Many companies train their telephone operatars to greet all callers in a tone of voice that
radiates interest and enthusiasm.
The caller feels the company is concerned about them.
Let's remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.
Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you,
but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.
In an issue of the publication of the National Bank of North America of
New York, the following letter from Madeline Rosedale, a depositor,
was published: * * Eagle, publication of the Natirmal Bank of North America, h-ew
York, March 31, 1978.
"I would like you to know how much I appreciate your staff.
Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful.
What a pleasure it is, after waiting on a long line, to have the teller greet you pleasantly.
"Last year my mother was hospitalized for five months.
Frequently I went to Marie Petrucello, a teller.
She was concerned about my mother and inquired about her progress.
Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue to use this bank?
Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was
assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation.
knew of only one person who possessed the facts he needed so
urgently.
As Mr. Walters was ushered into the president's office, a young woman stuck her head through a door and told the president
that she didn't have any stamps for him that day.
"I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son," the president
explained to Mr. Walters.
Mr.
Walters stated his mission and began asking questions. The president was vague, general, nebulous.
He didn't want to talk, and apparently nothing could persuade him to talk.
The interview was brief and barren.
"Frankly, I didn't know what to do," Mr. Walters said as he related
the story to the class.
"Then I remembered what his secretary had said to him - stamps, twelve-year-old son.
And I also recalled that the foreign department of our bank collected stamps - stamps taken
from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven
seas.
"The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in word that I had
some stamps for his boy.
Was I ushered in with enthusiasm? Yes sir, He couldn't have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had
been running for Congress.
He radiated smiles and good will. 'My George will love this one,' he kept saying as he fondled the stamps.
'And look at this!
This is a treasure. "We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at a picture of his
boy, and he then devoted more than an hour of his time to giving
me every bit of information I wanted - without my even suggesting
that he do it.
He told me all he knew, and then called in his subordinates and questioned them.
He telephoned some of his associates.
He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports and correspondence.
In the parlance of newspaper reporters, scoop.
Here is another illustration:
C. M. Knaphle, Jr., of Philadelphia had tried for years to sell fuel to a
large chain-store organization.
But the chain-store company continued to purchase its fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it
right past the door of Knaphle's office.
Mr, Knaphle made a speech one night before one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrath upon
chain stores, branding them as a curse to the nation.
And still he wondered why he couldn't sell them.
I suggested that he try different tactics.
To put it briefly, this is what happened.
We staged a debate between members of the course on whether the spread of the chain store is doing the country more
harm than good.
Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; he agreed to
defend the chain stores, and then went straight to an executive of
the chain-store organization that he despised and said: "I am not
here to try to sell fuel.
I have come to ask you to do me a favor. " He then told about his debate and said, "I have come to you for help
because I can't think of anyone else who would be more capable of
giving me the facts I want.
I'm anxious to win this debate, and I'll deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me.
Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle's own words: I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time.
It was with that understanding that he consented to see me.
After I had stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and talked to me for
exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes.
He called in another executive who had written a book on chain stores.
He wrote to the National Chain Store Association and secured for me a copy of a
debate on the subject.
He feels that the chain store is rendering a real service to humanity.
He is proud of what he is doing for hundreds of communities.
His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never even
dreamed of.
He changed my whole mental attitude. As I was leaving, he walked with me to the door, put his arm around my shoulder,
wished me well in my debate, and asked me to stop in and see him
again and let him know how I made out.
The last words he said to me were: "Please see me again later in the spring.
I should like to place an order with you for fuel.
To me that was almost a miracle.
Here he was offering to buy fuel without my even suggesting it.
I had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems
than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in
me and my product.
You didn't discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for a long time ago, a
hundred years before Christ was born a famous old Roman poet,
Publilius Syrus, remarked; "We are interested in others when they
are interested in us.
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations,
must be sincere.
It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention.
It is a two-way street-both parties benefit.
Martin Ginsberg, who took our Course in Long Island New York,
reported how the special interest a nurse took in him profoundly
affected his life: "It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old.
I was in a welfare ward of a city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major
orthopedic surgery the next day.
I knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement, convalescence and pain.
father was dead; my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment
and we were on welfare.
My mother was unable to visit me that day. "As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of
loneliness, despair and fear.
I knew my mother was home alone worrying about me, not having anyone to be with, not having anyone
to eat with and not even having enough money to afford a
Thanksgiving Day dinner.
"The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my head under the
pillow and pulled the covers over it, I cried silently, but oh so bitterly,
so much that my body racked with pain.
"A young student nurse heard my sobbing and came over to me.
She took the covers off my face and started wiping my tears.
She told me how lonely she was, having to work that day and not being able to
be with her family.
She asked me whether I would have dinner with her.
She brought two trays of food: sliced turkey, mashed a potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert.
She talked to me and tried to calm my fears.
Even though she was scheduled to go off duty at 4 P.M., she stayed on her own time until almost 11 P.M.
She played games with me, talked to me and stayed with me until I
finally fell asleep.
"Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I was ten, but one
never passes without me remembering that particular one and my
feelings of frustration, fear, loneliness and the warmth and
tenderness of the stranger that somehow made it all bearable.
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real
friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help
yourself, keep this principle in mind: · Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
2 - A Simple Way To Make A Good First Impression At a dinner party in New York, one of the guests, a woman who had
inherited money, was eager to make a pleasing impression on
everyone.
She had squandered a modest fortune on sables, diamonds and pearls.
But she hadn't done anything whatever about her face.
It radiated sourness and selfishness. She didn't realize what everyone knows: namely, that the expression one wears on one's
face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.
Charles Schwab told me his smile had been worth a million dollars.
And he was probably understating the truth.
For Schwab's personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were
almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of
the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating
smile.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you, You
make me happy.
I am glad to see you. " That is why dogs make such a hit.
They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins.
So, naturally, we are glad to see them. A baby's smile has the same effect.
Have you ever been in a doctor's waiting room and looked around at
all the glum faces waiting impatiently to be seen?
Dr, Stephen K. Sproul, a veterinarian in Raytown, Missouri, told of a typical spring
day when his waiting room was full of clients waiting to have their
pets inoculated.
No one was talking to anyone else, and all were probably thinking of a dozen other things they would rather be doing
than "wasting time" sitting in that office.
He told one of our classes: "There were six or seven clients waiting when a young woman came
in with a nine-month-old baby and a kitten.
As luck would have it, she sat down next to a gentleman who was more than a little
distraught about the long wait for service.
The next thing he knew, the baby just looked up at him with that great big smile that is so
characteristic of babies.
What did that gentleman do? Just what you and I would do, of course; he-smiled back at the baby.
Soon he struck up a conversation with the woman about her baby and his
grandchildren, and soon the entire reception room joined in, and the
boredom and tension were converted into a pleasant and enjoyable
experience.
An insincere grin?
No.
That doesn't fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it.
I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of
smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.
Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of
Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile.
"People who smile," he said, "tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to
raise happier children.
There's far more information in a smile than a frown.
That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.
The employment manager of a large New York department store told
me she would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn't finished grade
school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of
philosophy with a somber face.
The effect of a smile is powerful - even when it is unseen.
Telephone companies throughout the United States have a program called
"phone power" which is offered to employees who use the telephone
for selling their services or products.
In this program they suggest that you smile when talking on the phone.
Your "smile" comes through in your voice.
Robert Cryer, manager of a computer department for a Cincinnati,
Ohio, company, told how he had successfully found the right
applicant for a hard-to-fill position: "I was desperately trying to recruit a Ph.D.
in computer science for my department.
I finally located a young man with ideal qualifications who was about to be graduated from Purdue
University.
After several phone conversations I learned that he had several offers from other companies, many of them larger and better
known than mine.
I was delighted when he accepted my offer. After he started on the job, I asked him why he had chosen us over the
others.
He paused for a moment and then he said: 'I think it was because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a
cold, business-like manner, which made me feel like just another
business transaction, Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear
from me ... that you really wanted me to be part of your
organization.
' You can be assured, I am still answering my phone with a smile.
The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber
companies 'in the United States told me that, according to his
observations, people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun
doing it.
This industrial leader doesn't put much faith in the old adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door
to our desires, "I have known people," he said, "who succeeded
because they had a rip-roaring good time conducting their business.
Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work.
The business had grown dull, They lost all joy in it, and they failed.
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to
have a good time meeting you.
I have asked thousands of business people to smile at someone
every hour of the day for a week and then come to class and talk
about the results.
How did it work? Let's see ... Here is a letter from William B. Steinhardt, a New York stockbroker.
His case isn't isolated. In fact, it is typical of hundreds of cases.
"I have been married for over eighteen years," wrote Mr. Steinhardt,
"and in all that time I seldom smiled at my wife or spoke two dozen
words to her from the time I got up until I was ready to leave for
business.
I was one of the worst grouches who ever walked down Broadway.
"When you asked me to make a talk about my experience with
smiles, I thought I would try it for a week.
So the next morning, while combing my hair, I looked at my glum mug in the mirror and
said to myself, 'Bill, you are going to wipe the scowl off that sour
puss of yours today.
You are going to smile. And you are going to begin right now.
' As I sat down to breakfast, I greeted my wife with a 'Good morning, my dear,' and smiled as I said it.
"You warned me that she might be surprised.
Well, you underestimated her reaction.
She was bewildered. She was shocked. I told her that in the future she could expect this as a regular
occurrence, and I kept it up every morning.
"This changed attitude of mine brought more happiness into our
home in the two months since I started than there was during the
last year.
"As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the
apartment house with a 'Good morning' and a smile, I greet the
doorman with a smile.
I smile at the cashier in the subway booth when I ask for change.
As I stand on the floor of the Stock Exchange, I smile at people who until recently never saw me smile.
"I soon found that everybody was smiling back at me, I treat those
who come to me with complaints or grievances in a cheerful manner,
I smile as I listen to them and I find that adjustments are
accomplished much easier.
I find that smiles are bringing me dollars, many dollars every day.
"I share my office with another broker.
One of his clerks is a likable young chap, and I was so elated about the results I was getting that
I told him recently about my new philosophy of human relations.
then confessed that when I first came to share my office with his
firm he thought me a terrible grouch - and only recently changed his
mind.
He said I was really human when I smiled. "I have also eliminated criticism from my system.
I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation.
I have stopped talking about what I want.
I am now trying to see the other person's viewpoint.
And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in
friendships and happiness - the only things that matter much after
all.
You don't feel like smiling?
Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile.
If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing.
Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it: "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go
together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more
direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which
is not.
"Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our
cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if
cheerfulness were already there.
..." Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure
way to find it.
That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions.
It depends on inner conditions.
It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you
are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about it.
For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money
and prestige - and yet one may be miserable and the other happy.
Why?
Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their
primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in
air-conditioned offices in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.
"There is nothing either good or bad," said Shakespeare, "but
thinking makes it so.
Abe Lincoln once remarked that "most folks are about as happy as
they make up their minds to be.
" He was right. I saw a vivid illustration of that truth as I was walking up the stairs of the Long
Island Railroad station in New York.
Directly in front of me thirty or forty crippled boys on canes and crutches were struggling up the
stairs.
One boy had to be carried up. I was astonished at their laughter and gaiety.
I spoke about it to one of.the men in charge of the boys.
"Oh, yes," he said, "when a boy realizes that he is going to be a cripple for life, he is shocked at first; but after he gets over the
shock, he usually resigns himself to his fate and then becomes as
happy as normal boys.
I felt like taking my hat off to those boys.
They taught me a lesson I hope I shall never forget.
Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is
lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other
employees in the company.
Seсora Maria Gonzalez of Guadalajara, Mexico, had such a job.
She envied the shared comradeship of other people in the company as she heard their chatter and laughter.
she passed them in the hall during the first weeks of her
employment, she shyly looked the other way.
After a few weeks, she said to herself, "Maria, you can't expect those
women to come to you.
You have to go out and meet them. " The next time she walked to the water cooler, she put on her brightest
smile and said, "Hi, how are you today" to each of the people she
met.
The effect was immediate. Smiles and hellos were returned, the hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier.
Acquaintanceships developed and some ripened into friendships.
Her job and her life became more pleasant and interesting.
Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher Elbert
Hubbard - but remember, perusing it won't do you any good unless
you apply it: Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of
the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine;
greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.
Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking
about your enemies.
Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move
straight to the goal.
Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will
find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are
required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect
takes from the running tide the element it needs.
Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the
thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular
individual.. .
Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude - the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer.
To think rightly is to create.
All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered.
We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high.
We are gods in the chrysalis.
The ancient Chinese were a wise lot - wise in the ways of the world;
and they had a proverb that you and I ought to cut out and paste
inside our hats.
It goes like this: "A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.
Your smile is a messenger of your good will.
Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it.
To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun
breaking through the clouds.
Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or
children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless - that
there is joy in the world.
Some years ago, a department store in New York City, in recognition
of the pressures its sales clerks were under during the Christmas
rush, presented the readers of its advertisements with the following
homely philosophy: The Value Of A Smile At Christmas It costs nothing, but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever, None are so rich they can get
along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is
the countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature's best antidote fee
trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our
salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you
to leave one of yours?
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
· Principle 2 - Smile.
3 - If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble
Back in 1898, a tragic thing happened in Rockland County, New
York.
A child had died, and on this particular day the neighbors were preparing to go to the funeral.
Jim Farley went out to the barn to hitch up his horse.
The ground was covered with snow, the air was cold and snappy; the horse
hadn't been exercised for days; and as he was led out to the
watering trough, he wheeled playfully, kicked both his heels high in
the air, and killed Jim Farley.
So the little village of Stony Point had two funerals that week instead of one.
Jim Farley left behind him a widow and three boys, and a few
hundred dollars in insurance.
His oldest boy, Jim, was ten, and he went to work in a brickyard,
wheeling sand and pouring it into the molds and turning the brick on
edge to be dried by the sun.
This boy Jim never had a chance to get much education.
But with his natural geniality, he had a flair for making people like him, so he went into politics, and as the years
went by, he developed an uncanny ability for remembering people's
names.
He never saw the inside of a high school; but before he was forty-six
years of age, four colleges had honored him with degrees and he
had become chairman of the Democratic National Committee and
Postmaster General of the United States.
I once interviewed Jim Farley and asked him the secret of his
success.
He said, "Hard work," and I said, "Don't be funny. He then asked me what I thought was the reason for his success.
replied: "I understand you can call ten thousand people by their first
names.
"No.
You are wrong, " he said. "I can call fifty thousand people by their first names.
Make no mistake about it.
That ability helped Mr. Farley put Franklin Roosevelt in the White House when he managed Roosevelt's campaign in 1932.
During the years that Jim Farley traveled as a salesman for a gypsum
concern, and during the years that he held office as town clerk in
Stony Point, he built up a system for remembering names.
In the beginning, it was a very simple one.
Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some
facts about his or her family, business and political opinions.
He fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time
he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake
hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the
backyard.
No wonder he developed a following! For months before Roosevelt's campaign for President began, Jim
Farley wrote hundreds of letters a day to people all over the western
and northwestern states.
Then he hopped onto a train and in nineteen days covered twenty states and twelve thousand miles,
traveling by buggy, train, automobile and boat.
He would drop into town, meet his people at lunch or breakfast, tea or dinner, and give
them a "heart-to-heart talk.
" Then he'd dash off again on another leg of his journey.
As soon as he arrived back East, he wrote to one person in each
town he had visited, asking for a list of all the guests to whom he
had talked.
The final list contained thousands and thousands of names; yet each person on that list was paid the subtle flattery of
getting a personal letter from James Farley.
These letters began "Dear Bill" or "Dear Jane," and they were always signed "Jim.
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more
interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on
earth put together.
Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment.
But forget it or misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
For example, I once organized a public-speaking course in Paris and
sent form letters to all the American residents in the city.
French typists with apparently little knowledge of English filled in the names
and naturally they made blunders.
One man, the manager of a large American bank in Paris, wrote me a scathing rebuke because his
name had been misspelled.
Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard
to pronounce.
Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname.
Sid Levy called on a customer for some time whose name was Nicodemus Papadoulos.
Most people just called him "Nick.
" Levy told us: "I made a special effort to say his name over several times to myself before I made my
call.
When I greeted him by his full name: 'Good afternoon, Mr. Nicodemus Papadoulos,' he was shocked.
For what seemed like several minutes there was no reply from him at all.
Finally, he said with tears rolling down his cheeks, 'Mr.
Levy, in all the fifteen years I have been in this country, nobody has ever made the effort to call
me by my right name.
' " What was the reason for Andrew Carnegie's success?
He was called the Steel King; yet he himself knew little about the
manufacture of steel.
He had hundreds of people working for him who knew far more about steel than he did.
But he knew how to handle people, and that is what made him rich.
Early in life, he showed a flair for organization, a genius for
leadership.
By the time he was ten, he too had discovered the astounding importance people place on their own name.
And he used that discovery to win cooperation.
To illustrate: When he was a boy back in Scotland, he got hold of a rabbit, a mother rabbit.
Presto!
He soon had a whole nest of little rabbits - and nothing to feed them.
But he had a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover
and dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the bunnies in
their honor.
The plan worked like magic, and Carnegie never forgot it.
Years later, he made millions by using the same psychology in
business.
For example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad.
J. Edgar Thomson was the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad then.
So Andrew Carnegie built a huge steel mill in Pittsburgh and called it the "Edgar Thomson Steel Works.
Here is a riddle.
See if you can guess it. When the Pennsylvania Railroad needed steel rails, where do you suppose J. Edgar Thomson
bought them?.
, From Sears, Roebuck? No.
No.
You're wrong. Guess again.
When Carnegie and George Pullman were battling each other for supremacy in the railroad sleeping-car business, the Steel
King again remembered the lesson of the rabbits.
The Central Transportation Company, which Andrew Carnegie
controlled, was fighting with the company that Pullman owned.
Both were struggling to get the sleeping-car business of the Union Pacific
Railroad, bucking each other, slashing prices, and destroying all
chance of profit.
Both Carnegie and Pullman had gone to New York to see the board of directors of the Union Pacific.
Meeting one evening in the St.
Nicholas Hotel, Carnegie said: "Good evening, Mr. Pullman, aren't we making a couple of fools of ourselves?
"What do you mean.
" Pullman demanded. Then Carnegie expressed what he had on his mind - a merger of
their two interests.
He pictured in glowing terms the mutual advantages of working with, instead of against, each other.
Pullman listened attentively, but he was not wholly convinced.
Finally he asked, "What would you call the new company?
" and Carnegie replied promptly: "Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of
course.
Pullman's face brightened.
"Come into my room," he said. "Let's talk it over.
" That talk made industrial history. This policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends
and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie's
leadership.
He was proud of the fact that he could call many of his factory workers by their first names, and he boasted that while he
was personally in charge, no strike ever disturbed his flaming steel
mills.
Benton Love, chairman of Texas Commerce Banc-shares, believes
that the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes.
" One way to warm it up," he said, "is to remember people's names.
The executive who tells me he can't remember names is at the same time
telling me he can't remember a significant part of his business and is
operating on quicksand.
Karen Kirsech of Rancho Palos Verdes, California, a flight attendant
for TWA, made it a practice to learn the names of as many
passengers in her cabin as possible and use the name when serving
them.
This resulted in many compliments on her service expressed both to her directly and to the airline.
One passenger wrote: "I haven't flown TWA for some time, but I'm going to start flying
nothing but TWA from now on.
You make me feel that your airline has become a very personalized airline and that is important to me.
People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate
them at any cost.
Even blustering, hard-boiled old P. T. Barnum, the greatest showman of his time, disappointed because he had no sons
to carry on his name, offered his grandson, C. H. Seeley, $25,000
dollars if he would call himself "Barnum" Seeley.
For many centuries, nobles and magnates supported artists,
musicians and authors so that their creative works would be
dedicated to them.
Libraries and museums owe their richest collections to people who
cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory
of the race.
The New York Public Library has its Astor and Lenox collections.
The Metropolitan Museum perpetuates the names of Benjamin Altman and J. P. Morgan.
And nearly every church is beautified by stained-glass windows commemorating the names of
their donors.
Many of the buildings on the campus of most universities bear the names of donors who contributed large sums of
money for this honor.
Most people don't remember names, for the simple reason that they
don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat
and fix names indelibly in their minds.
They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy.
But they were probably no busier than Franklin D. Roosevelt, and he
took time to remember and recall even the names of mechanics with
whom he came into contact.
To illustrate: The Chrysler organization built a special car for Mr.
Roosevelt, who could not use a standard car because his legs were
paralyzed.
W. F. Chamberlain and a mechanic delivered it to the White House.
I have in front of me a letter from Mr. Chamberlain relating his experiences.
"I taught President Roosevelt how to handle a car with a lot of unusual gadgets, but he taught me a lot about the
fine art of handling people.
"When I called at the White House," Mr. Chamberlain writes, "the
President was extremely pleasant and cheerful.
He called me by name, made me feel very comfortable, and particularly impressed
me with the fact that he was vitally interested in things I had to
show him and tell him.
The car was so designed that it could be operated entirely by hand.
A crowd gathered around to look at the car; and he remarked: 'I think it is marvelous.
All you have to do is to touch a button and it moves away and you can drive it without
effort.
I think it is grand - I don't know what makes it go. I'd love to have the time to tear it down and see how it works.
"When Roosevelt's friends and associates admired the machine, he
said in their presence: 'Mr.
Chamberlain, I certainly appreciate all the time and effort you have spent in developing this car.
It is a mighty fine job.
' He admired the radiator, the special rear-vision mirror and clock, the special spotlight, the kind of upholstery, the sitting position
of the driver's seat, the special suitcases in the trunk with his
monogram on each suitcase.
In other words, he took notice of every detail to which he knew I had given considerable thought.
He made a point of bringing these various pieces of equipment to the attention
of Mrs. Roosevelt, Miss Perkins, the Secretary of Labor, and his
secretary.
He even brought the old White House porter into the picture by saying, 'George, you want to take particularly good care of
the suitcases.
"When the driving lesson was finished, the President turned to me
and said: 'Well, Mr. Chamberlain, I have been keeping the Federal
Reserve Board waiting thirty minutes.
I guess I had better get back to work.
"I took a mechanic with me to the White House.
He was introduced to Roosevelt when he arrived.
He didn't talk to the President, and Roosevelt heard his name only once.
He was a shy chap, and he kept in the background.
But before leaving us, the President looked for the mechanic, shook his hand, called him by name, and thanked
him for coming to Washington.
And there was nothing perfunctory about his thanks.
He meant what he said. I could feel that. "A few days after returning to New York, I got an autographed
photograph of President Roosevelt and a little note of thanks again
expressing his appreciation for my assistance.
How he found time to do it is a mystery to me .
Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious
and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering
names and making people feel important - yet how many of us do it?
Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes
and can't even remember his or her name by the time we say
goodbye.
One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: "To recall a voter's
name is statesmanship.
To forget it is oblivion. And the ability to remember names is almost as important in
business and social contacts as it is in politics.
Napoleon the Third, Emperor of France and nephew of the great
Napoleon, boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could
remember the name of every person he met.
His technique?
Simple. If he didn't hear the name distinctly, he said, "So sorry.
I didn't get the name clearly. " Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, "How is it spelled?
During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name
several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person's
features, expression and general appearance.
If the person was someone of importance, Napoleon went to even
further pains.
As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it,
fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper.
In this way, he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear
impression.
All this takes time, but "Good manners," said Emerson, "are made up
of petty sacrifices.
The importance of remembering and using names is not just the
prerogative of kings and corporate executives.
It works for all of us. Ken Nottingham, an employee of General Motors in Indiana, usually
had lunch at the company cafeteria.
He noticed that the woman who worked behind the counter always had a scowl on her face.
"She had been making sandwiches for about two hours and I was just another
sandwich to her.
I told her what I wanted. She weighed out the ham on a little scale, then she gave me one leaf of lettuce, a few potato
chips and handed them to me.
"The next day I went through the same line.
Same woman, same cowl.
The only difference was I noticed her name tag. I smiled and said, 'Hello, Eunice,' and then told her what I wanted.
Well, she forgot the scale, piled on the ham, gave me three leaves of lettuce
and heaped on the potato chips until they fell off the plate.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize
that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person
with whom we are dealing and nobody else.
The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.
The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on
a special importance when we approach the situation with the name
of the individual.
From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
· Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the
sweetest and most important sound in any language.
