George Carlin - We Like War
Well, we like war!
We like war! We're a war-like people! We like war because we're good at it! You know why we're good at it? Cause we get a lot of practice. This country's only 200 years old and already, we've had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country so we're good at it! And it's a good thing we are; we're not very good at anything else anymore! Huh? Can't build a decent car, can't make a TV set or a VCR worth a fuck, got no steel industry left, can't educate our young people, can't get health care to our old people, but we can bomb the shit out of your country all right! Huh? Especially if your country is full of brown people; oh we like that don't we? That's our hobby! That's our new job in the world: bombing brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya, you got some brown people in your country, tell them to watch the fuck out or we'll goddamn bomb them! Well when's the last white people you can remember that we bombed? Can you remember the last white--- can you remember ANY white people we've ever bombed? The Germans, those are the only ones and that's only because they were trying to cut in on our action. They wanted to dominate the world! BULLSHIT! THAT'S OUR FUCKING JOB! Now, we only bomb brown people – not because they're trying to cut in on our action – just because they're brown. Now you probably noticed I don't feel about that war the way we were told we were supposed to feel about that war, the way we were ordered and instructed by the United States government to feel about that war. You see, I tell ya, my mind doesn't work that way. I got this real moron thing I do; it's called “thinking”, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. I don't just roll over when I'm told to. Sad to say, most Americans just roll over <snap> on command, not me. I have certain rules I live by; my first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me... nothing, zero, no, and I don't take very seriously, the media or the press in this country, who in the case of the Persian Gulf war were nothing more than unpaid employees of the Department of Defence, and who most of the time, most of the time functioned as kind of an unofficial public relations agency for the United States government. So I don't listen to them, I don't really believe in my country and I gotta tell you folks, I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol-minded.
I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving okay? Simple thing, that's all it is, war is a whole lot of men standing out in a field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That's what all that asshole, jock bullshit is all about. That's what all that adolescent, macho-male posturing, and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about, it's called “dick fear!” Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another to feel better about themselves and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem. You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: “What? They have bigger dicks? BOMB THEM! !” And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. It's called: “FUCKING WITH PEOPLE! !”
So as far as I'm concerned, that whole thing in the Persian Gulf is nothing more than a biiiiiig prick-waving dick fight. In this particular case, Saddam Hussein had questioned the size of George Bush's dick and George Bush has been called a wimp for so long – “wimp” rhymes with “limp” – George has been called a wimp for so long, that he has to act out his manhood fantasies by sending other people's children to die. Even the name... “Bush”... even the name, “Bush”, is related to the genitals without being the genitals. A bush is a sort of passive, secondary, sex characteristic. Now if this man's name had been George Boner, well, he might've felt a little bit better about himself and we wouldn't have had any trouble over there in the first place. This whole country has a manhood problem, biiiiiig manhood problem in the USA.
You can tell from the language we use; language always gives you away. What did we do wrong in Vietnam? We pulled out! Huh? Not a very manly thing to do is it? When you're fucking people, you gotta stay in there and fuck them good! Fuck ‘em all the way! Fuck ‘em ‘til the end! Fuck ‘em to death! Fuck ‘em to death! Fuck ‘em to death! Stay in there and keep fucking them until they're all dead! We left a few women and children alive in Vietnam and we haven't felt good about ourselves since. That's why in the Persian Gulf, George Bush had to say “this will not be another Vietnam!” He actually used these words, he said: “This time, we're going all the way!” Imagine, an American president using the sexual slang of a 13 year-old to describe his foreign policy. If you wanna know what happened in the Persian Gulf, just remember the names of the two men who were running that war: Dick Cheney and Colin Powell... somebody got fucked in the ass!