George Carlin - I Love My Dog
You were probably out walking your dog, which is what I'm usually doing.
Walking my dog. Cause I love my dog. I love all my dogs. I love every dog I ever had. I remember em all. And I love every one of them. Still love all my dogs, and I've had me a lot of goddam dogs. In my lifetime, I have had me a bunch of different dogs. Because you do keep getting a new dog don't you? You just keep getting one dog right after another. That's the whole secret of life. Life...is a series of dogs. It's true! You just keep getting a new dog, don't you? That's what's good about them. They don't live too long. And you can go get a new goddam dog. Sometimes, you can get a dog that looks exactly like the dog you used to have. Right? You shop around a little bit, and you find a dog identical to your former dog. And that's real handy cause you don't have to change the pictures on your mirror or anything. Right? You just bring the dead one into the pet shop. Throw him up on the counter and say, "Give me another one of them. That was real good." And they'll give you a carbon copy of your ex-goddam dog. Now my favorite dog that I ever had in my whole lifetime was Tippy.
Tippy was a good dog. Some of you remember I've talked about Tippy. Tippy was a good dog. Tippy was a mixed terrier. You know that word mixed ...that the veterinarian puts on the form...when even he don't know what the fuck you got. You bring in a little mixed puppy to a veterinarian and say, "What is it?" He'll say, "Well, it's definitely not a monkey. Tippy was actually part dodge dart. Poor Tippy was full of guilt. So much so, in fact, she's the only dog I ever had who committed suicide. Yeah, well, we don't say it like that around the house. We say she put herself to sleep. But she ran out in front of a milk truck. That's fucking suicide! But that was her decision. That's what Tippy wanted to do. And that's the way it is in our family. If you want to commit suicide, we back you up . So we supported Tippy in her little suicide decision, then we brought her into the pet shop, threw her up on the counter and said, "Give us something bigger, were trading up. We was looking for a bigger goddam dog." Cause Tippy had been teeny. Even before the truck came by. Truck had made her teenier. Ha. Wider, but teenier. And we was looking for a bigger goddam dog. Not too big, you know? I don't like a dog who's bigger than I am. It's bad enough looking for shit in one direction, without having to duck flying turds as well. A good rule of thumb is keep the dog's asshole below eye-level. So we compromised, and we got us a mid-sized dog. Knee-high, just about like this size here. Best size dog you can own by the way.
Most people know this is the ideal size dog to have. You know why, anybody comes to visit you, the first thing that dog does is take his nose and put it, (click) right in their crotch. Ooooooooo...Oooohoohooo...he smells my dog. No. "No Marge, I don't believe that's the animal he has in mind." And people get embarrassed by that, don't they? Especially the owner of the dog. The owner gets more embarrassed than the other person. Saying, "Stop that! Will you stop that! Stop it! I'm awfully sorry about this." Not me! I'll say, "Get in there and get some of that. Get in there and stiff that thing out, go on." "Listen, would you mind spreading your legs a little bit...so he can get right in there. Okay, looking good now. So how's your mom and dad doing anyway? Well, god bless them, they's a wonderful couple." Say, "go around in the back, check it out in the back now, sniff that other thing in the back there." "What's that? Well there's two different smells he likes, what can I tell you? Huh? Don't pay him no attention, he'll be finished in about a half an hour." "So listen reverend...it's real nice of you to come and call on us like this. Everyone is always glad to see you around here. Especially that goddam dog." Those dogs are great, they'll break the ice when a new neighbor comes to call. "Hi were the Jooohhhnsons. What's his name?" "Ballsniffer. He's a Crotch-hound. Let me know if you want to get circumcised, he on duty till five o'clock. Dogs are a constant source of entertainment.
Did you ever have a dog that ate cat turds? Some of em do. Some of you must know that. Did you ever have a dog eat cat turds? Yeah . Of course you gotta have a cat , you know? You can't be buying cat turds at the supermarket. But it's true, some dogs will eat cat turds. Yeah. Don't let them lick you that day. Get a bottle of listerine for him. Try to make him gargle. Pour it down his throat and tell him to howl. Come on howl. Howl goddam it. Stomp on his tail. Howl, I said goddam it howl. Aww dogs are a lot of fun.
Have you ever had a dog that ate a bunch of colored balloons and then he a shit and it's real decorative like. Or some times at Christmas, they'll eat some tinsel and take a shiny shit. "Wow, look mom, can we hang it on the tree?" Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures. Here's a little household hint for you. This'll help you clean up after your dog. Feed your dog a lot of rubberbands. Put a lot of rubberbands in with his regular food. Then, when he takes a shit, there's usually a little loop on the end of it. You just pick it up by the loop and...(whistle). Know what I mean? Throw it in the neighbor's yard. Yeah. That's why I travel around, give these little household hints. Bet you never read that one in Hellouise, huh?
