I Pooped Myself On A Date Ich habe mich bei einem Date vollgeschissen Je me suis fait dessus lors d'un rendez-vous デート中にうんこをしてしまった Fiz cocó em mim próprio num encontro Я обкакалась на свидании 我在约会时拉屎了

I was on a date and the night ended with Byl jsem na rande a noc skončila

me almost pooping my pants behind a skoro jsem si vykakal kalhoty za a

dumpster and this is that story it's dumpster a tohle je ten příběh

super important to keep in mind the super důležité mít na paměti

amount of time we have in dating kolik času máme na randění

less than a year because that's very méně než rok, protože to je velmi

crucial in the understanding of this zásadní pro pochopení tohoto

story příběh

we weren't two people who had been in nebyli jsme dva lidé, kteří byli uvnitř

love forever you know tale as oldest miluj navždy, znáš pohádku jako nejstarší

times okay so you have that information časy v pořádku, takže ty informace máte

up here tady nahoře

my girlfriend was just out of college moje přítelkyně právě skončila vysokou školu

and I was still finishing my degree a to jsem ještě dokončoval studium

we're the same age but I was a terrible jsme stejně staří, ale já byla hrozná

student the point of this being we student smysl toho, že jsme my

didn't have a lot of money so anytime we neměli jsme moc peněz, takže kdykoliv jsme

decided to do something it was a really se rozhodl udělat něco, co opravdu bylo

big deal and on this fateful night we velká věc a v tuto osudnou noc my

decided to not only go out to dinner but rozhodl se nejen jít na večeři, ale

to also see a movie I remember being také vidět film, který si pamatuji

excited to show off this restaurant I jsem nadšený, že mohu ukázat tuto restauraci I

had picked looking back I remember it vybral jsem si pohled zpět, pamatuji si to

being a little anticlimactic it was fine být trochu antiklimatický, bylo to v pořádku

I had scallops the restaurant was in a Měl jsem mušle, restaurace byla v a

suburb of Philadelphia where we both předměstí Philadelphie, kde jsme oba

grew up but the movie we were seeing vyrostl, ale film, který jsme viděli

that night was only showing at an artsy ten večer se promítal pouze na uměleckém řemesle

movie theater downtown were cultured as kino v centru města bylo kultivováno jako

we hop in the car after dinner and po večeři naskočíme do auta a

drive to Center City I can even tell you jízdy do centra města vám mohu dokonce říct

exactly what movie we saw it was Mike přesně ten film, který jsme viděli, byl Mike

Birbiglia sleepwalk with me yeah they Birbiglia náměsíčná se mnou jo oni

have a whole section now for your mít nyní pro vás celou sekci

sister's engagement party cards we're jsme sestřiny zásnubní večírek

downtown we park in a garage we get our v centru parkujeme v garáži, kterou dostaneme

tickets and know we're hoppin in that vstupenky a víme, že jsme v tom hoppin

concessions line usually I'm a simple ústupky linka obvykle jsem jednoduchý

man

a candy and a soda guy but something

came over me that night and I guess you

could say this is where the story really

takes off it's our turn to make a vzlétne, je řada na nás, abychom udělali a

selection and out of nowhere I say one výběr a z ničeho nic říkám jeden

popcorn please do I like popcorn does my

girlfriend like popcorn we haven't been přítelkyně jako popcorn jsme nebyli

dating super long but she knows that I'm velmi dlouhé randění, ale ona ví, že jsem

a candy and a soda guy and then without

warning well sir for 50 cents you could

make it a large I think for a moment udělat to velké, myslím na chvíli

okay what first of all you weren't sure dobře, co sis nejdřív nebyl jistý

about your popcorn decision three o svém rozhodnutí o popcornu tři

seconds ago and now we're just gonna před sekundami a teď budeme

double down on a large I had been zdvojnásobit na velký jsem byl

swindled we head in to find our seats ošidili jsme se dovnitř, abychom našli svá místa

and as is tradition I eat everything a jak je tradicí, jím všechno

before the movie even starts so Chris

that means yes I'll stop you right there

that means I ate a large popcorn during

the previews my girlfriend was

definitely judging me but that's okay I

deserved it we watched the movie it ends

up being fantastic we both really

enjoyed it and it was time to head home

we walked to the parking garage

and my stomach starts to hurt it was too

early to tell what type of stomach hurt

this was going to evolve into we're in

the car just slowly making our way

through the stop and go traffic of

Center City I felt like I was gonna

throw up it was that full body tension

cold sweat whatever is inside wants out

so keep in mind I'm driving and I tell

my girlfriend that I really don't feel

good she can tell and I'm just scanning

the surroundings for a potential throw

up target and in the midst of this of

course she's being very supportive just

okay okay okay let's just get ourselves

home deep breaths it's all gonna be

alright

I had to fight this off though I was on

a date with a girl I really liked this

would be absolutely mortifying so I just

reasoned with myself when you're that

sick all it takes is I contact with the

toilet or a trash can it's basically

your brain giving your body the green

light to say all right it unleash

hell so with an ironclad grip on the

steering wheel have talks from my

girlfriend some strategic breathing I

emerged victorious I felt like a boxer

who was just collapsing into his corner

after a devastating round you know like

your heart rate slows down okay I've

bought myself some time it was a short

maybe 25 minute drive home and then this

evil force in my body just changed

direction okay tuck the iron on let me

up this direction well I'm headed yeah

no no no no so much of this was just

acting in front of my girlfriend acting

like everything's gonna be fine

I didn't do a good job at hiding my

impending sickness from her and this was

about to be my biggest role yet pretend

that you are not about to your

pants in front of your girlfriend we've

all been there and if you're watching

this and think that that's never

happened to me you're lying

every muscle in your lower body is

clenched that cold sweat returns this

time

with a vengeance I am legitimately

panicked we're nearing the edge of the

city and the amount of viable bathroom

options are rapidly disappearing oh but

we're right by the highway so it's all

gonna be okay we'll just hop right on

that and we'll be home in no time

there's no place like home

there's no place like home we're

speeding up the on-ramp and then oh

dead stop bumper-to-bumper traffic I'm

almost positive I said oh out loud

the jig was up she knew she knew I had

to poop and I had to poop bad she just

calmly looks at me and goes do you have

to poop any other place in time I would

have thought long and hard about this

answer but I was in too deep I didn't

have a choice yep I do now we were

hiddenness together as a couple I'm at

war with my own body and I'm losing

we're devising all these plans and

ultimately we just decide we're gonna

get off at the next exit

I'm just weaving through traffic driving

like I'm goddamn Jason Bourne trying to

lose a tail my girlfriend has her phone

out and she's looking at places for

possible refuge

okay McDonald's is open I switch lanes

make a turn we're speeding down the

street all no they closed ten

minutes ago it's only the drive-through

now my heart sank we were running out of

time

wait this area is full of fast-food

places one of them has to be open

that'll have to do we don't have a

choice like a bat out of hell I'm just

careening through intersections this was

gonna be closed up ahead I see an Arby's

yes I see people inside the lights are

on yes yes yes suddenly I have what can

only be described as an out-of-body

experience if I go in there and there's

a line for the bathroom or they're

cleaning it or it's locked

I'm gonna my pants in front of

20-plus people who are just trying to

eat I come back to my body I couldn't do

it I couldn't subject innocent

bystanders to what was about to happen

I'm in no way joking when I explained

what happened next as my girlfriend

looks onward confused as to why we're

not heading towards Arby's I Drive the

car over this

I walk into the parking lot of an

abandoned Factory we screech to a halt

oh my god it's happening my lower body

is giving up I fling the door open I

leap from the car and I'm trying to run

while also trying not to evacuate my

bowels in front of my loving and

supportive girlfriend there's a dumpster

within 30 feet that's all I had thirty

feet until my world ends I scamper

behind the dumpster like a wild animal

pull my shorts down as best I can and I

just release it was bad it was really

bad nothing to see here just a guy who

loves scallops and popcorn his

brains out cleaning myself up was just a

nightmare I hadn't even considered the

fact that I would have to recover from

this backed into a corner I had to ditch

the underwear that was the only thing I

was gonna be able to wipe with I don't

know why I'm doing this I'm telling you

a story about pooping in public in order

to get to the underwear these shorts

have to come off first then the

underwear shoe stay on completely naked

from the waist down standing overtop of

just a horrific mess in the midst of

this low point in my life I hear

laughter it's soft but I hear it I peek

over the top of the dumpster and the

laughter is coming from my girlfriend in

the car up until that second I had

completely forgotten she was witnessing

this she is losing her mind laughing now

maybe this would have made some people

feel worse having a person you care

about watch you soil yourself but

honestly her laughter was a little

comforting we were in this together I

pull my pants up after cleaning myself

up as best I can going commando of

course that underwear is long gone I

come back to the car which is still

running by the way you smell bad she

says I know okay not helping and I'm

laughing now I get back in the driver's

seat it was time to go home the windows

were rolled down to air out the car

thank god this was summer it's pretty

insane to share an experience like that

with someone you really care about and

guess what we kept going on dates

that's right I was half-naked pooping

behind a factory dumpster and that

wasn't enough to drive her away that was

a sign you know what I went on to marry

that woman

I was unintentionally vulnerable in the

most primal way I can imagine I can't

say I would recommend these events for

everyone but for me as embarrassing as

it was everything worked out pretty

great

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