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Happiness, 5.10 (V) Week 5 Video 7 - The 6th Deadly Happiness Sin--Distrusting Life

[MUSIC] Hello there, and welcome back. Earlier today a man knocked on my door, and he asked me for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a small glass of water. » [LAUGH] » In the past few videos, we have focused on how not trusting others enough can lower our happiness levels. We also discussed strategies for exercising what I called smart trust. If trusting others can be so important for happiness, then it follows that trusting that good things are going to happen to you in your life is also going to be very important for your happiness. Imagine that you've just had a setback, let's say that you failed an exam or you were dumped by your girlfriend, in these types of situations trusting that these setbacks have some valuable lessons for you lessons that can help you learn and grow and evolve into a better, more skilled human being is obviously going to be important for your happiness. Researchers refer to the ability to quickly overcome setbacks by the term, resilience, and resilience is an important characteristic of happy people. That's why distrusting life is a deadly happiness sin, the 6th deadly happiness sin. Now, I wanna warn you that unlike the other sins that I've discussed so far, this sin is a little more intricate and complex. It's gonna take us into some relatively intricate philosophical territory, but hopefully you gain from this, because philosophical discussions can be quite groovy. Let me get into the topic of why distrusting life is a deadly happiness sin by recalling a tragic event that happened on the 18th of December of 2014. That day, as you might recall, a bunch of terrorists climbed over a compound wall of a school in Pakistan and shot dead 148 people, including 132 children. All the kids in class IX were killed, except for one. That would be Brian. A student of the class, he survived. Why? Because he failed to wake up in time so he missed school that day. He had attended a wedding the previous evening and had gone to be late. He knew that he might oversleep, so he had actually set an alarm to be ready on time, but the alarm just did not go off, so he didn't wake up on time. That's what saved him. So what began as a minor negative event, not waking up on time to go to school, turned out in this case, to be a life saving one. Contrast what happened to Darwood with what happened to a five-year-old girl had gone to the same school. It was the first day of class at that school. What began as an exciting first day for her turned out to be her last day in life. So, what started out as perhaps a day that she was looking forward to with excitement ended up being videoed. What these tragic events tell you is life can be extremely unpredictable. What seems like a bad outcome at first may trigger a set of positive downstream consequences. Missing a flight, for example, might lead you to meet the dream of your life, your life partner. Likewise, failing to find a parking spot close to the entrance of a grocery store might lead you to find $5 on the ground, money that you now will obviously spend on somebody else. Similarly, what starts out as a positive event might trigger a bunch of negative downstream consequences. Your dream job might lead you to become stressed out and eventually to a divorce. Likewise, winning the lottery might lead you to lose your close friends. Now, although most of us recognize this truth about life, that you can't tell if an outcome will be good or bad, will lead to good or bad consequences, we seldom take this fact about life to its logical conclusion which is this. We shouldn't rely on outcomes for our happiness. Sonja Lyubomirski in her book, The Myths of Happiness, makes this very point. She starts out by quoting William Blake who said, joy and woe are woven fine. Then she goes on to add, we may think we know whether a particular turning point should make us laugh or cry, but the truth is, positive and negative events are often entwined, rendering predictions about consequences, which may cascade in unexpected ways, exceedingly difficult. When we consider the single best thing that happened to us during past years and the single worst thing, we may be surprised to learn that they're often one and the same. Professor Lyubomirsky goes on to argue that is because we tether our happiness to outcomes that we make the mistake of thinking that external circumstances, earning a certain amount of money, being married to a certain person, living in a certain house, etc., will make us happier. In reality she argues, external circumstances account for only 10% of our happiness. Now you might ask, if we can't depend on outcomes for our happiness, then how would life look like? How would life look like for somebody who does not do this, does not tether his/her happiness to outcomes. To answer this question, let me tell you a story. Actually, you know what? Let me ask a good friend of mine, Professor Srikumar Rao, who teaches this excellent course called Creativity and Personal Mastery, to tell you this story. Professor Rao, could you please tell us the story of the man and his son who lived in this beautiful valley? You know the good thing, bad thing, who knows that story. » A man and his son and they lived in a beautiful valley and they were very happy but they were also dirt poor. The man got tired of being dirt poor and he wanted to be rich so he decided he was going to become rich by breeding horses, so he bought a stallion. He didn't have any money to buy the stallion, so he borrowed very heavily from his neighbors and he bought a stallion. And the very night he bought a stallion, it kicked the top bar loose from the paddock where he had housed it and ran away and all the neighbors came around and there was some shrapnel thrown in there in there and they said you were going to become rich and your horse ran away and it is terrible and the old man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing, bad thing, who knows. That horse fell in with a group of wild horses and it led the wild horses close to where the man was and he was able to entice some of them into the paddock, which he had repaired, so escape was now no longer possible, and so he had the original stallion back as well as other horses, which by the standards of that village, made him a very wealthy man. And all the neighbors came around, and there was more than a touch of envy, as they congratulated him on his good fortune. We thought you were destitute but now you're rich. And the man looked at them and shrugged his shoulders and said, good thing, bad thing, who knows? The man and his son, they started to try breaking the horses, so they could sell them at the market, and one of the horses threw the man's son and stomped on his leg. And it broke, and it healed crooked, and all the neighbors came around once again, and said, he was such a fine young lad, now he will never be able to find a girl to marry him, how unfortunate, and the man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing, bad thing, who knows? And that summer, the king of the country declared war on a neighboring country, and press gangs moved throughout all the villages, rounding up the able-bodied young men to serve in the army. And the neighbors came with tears in their eyes and they said, oh, our sons have been taken away. We don't know if we will ever see them again, but you still have your son. They didn't take that man's son because he had a game leg. And the old man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing, bad thing, who knows and it goes on like that forever. And it's actually trying to make a point and the point it's trying to make is that when something happens to you, you do not necessarily know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. » The man in the story you just heard, was clearly not wedded to outcomes for his happiness. So that's how you would be, like that man in that story, if you did not tether your happiness to outcomes. Does being like that man in the story sound appealing to you? If you're like most of my students, you're not so sure. Although there are some good aspects to not being at the mercy of outcomes, it seems like there are also some bad aspects to being that way. Here are two big concerns that many of my students have about being like that old man in the, let's call it the, GTBTWK = Good thing bad thing, who knows story. First concern that many of my students raise, this is the concern they have with de-linking happiness from outcomes, is that it runs the risk of never feeling happy again. As one of my students put it, if I didn't feel happy upon getting a good job or for getting married to my sweetheart, why would I feel happy about anything at all? Another concern with de-linking happiness from outcomes is that you may not find any goals worthy of pursuit. Imagine, say the goal of completing the scores. Imagine that you were totally indifferent whether you completed the goals or not. Whenever you thought of completing the goals, you told yourself good thing, bad thing, who knows. Clearly, you would be much less motivated to complete the goals than you would be if you thought. Yeah, I want to complete these goals. It's a good positive desirable outcome. The question is, are these objections to the idea of de-linking happiness from outcomes really valid? And that's a question to which I will get to in the next video. Until then, I hope you only experience good outcomes. [MUSIC]


[MUSIC] Hello there, and welcome back. Earlier today a man knocked on my door, and he asked me for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a small glass of water. » [LAUGH] » In the past few videos, we have focused on how not trusting others enough can lower our happiness levels. We also discussed strategies for exercising what I called smart trust. If trusting others can be so important for happiness, then it follows that trusting that good things are going to happen to you in your life is also going to be very important for your happiness. Imagine that you've just had a setback, let's say that you failed an exam or you were dumped by your girlfriend, in these types of situations trusting that these setbacks have some valuable lessons for you lessons that can help you learn and grow and evolve into a better, more skilled human being is obviously going to be important for your happiness. Researchers refer to the ability to quickly overcome setbacks by the term, resilience, and resilience is an important characteristic of happy people. That's why distrusting life is a deadly happiness sin, the 6th deadly happiness sin. Now, I wanna warn you that unlike the other sins that I've discussed so far, this sin is a little more intricate and complex. It's gonna take us into some relatively intricate philosophical territory, but hopefully you gain from this, because philosophical discussions can be quite groovy. Let me get into the topic of why distrusting life is a deadly happiness sin by recalling a tragic event that happened on the 18th of December of 2014. That day, as you might recall, a bunch of terrorists climbed over a compound wall of a school in Pakistan and shot dead 148 people, including 132 children. All the kids in class IX were killed, except for one. That would be Brian. A student of the class, he survived. Why? Because he failed to wake up in time so he missed school that day. He had attended a wedding the previous evening and had gone to be late. He knew that he might oversleep, so he had actually set an alarm to be ready on time, but the alarm just did not go off, so he didn't wake up on time. That's what saved him. So what began as a minor negative event, not waking up on time to go to school, turned out in this case, to be a life saving one. Contrast what happened to Darwood with what happened to a five-year-old girl had gone to the same school. It was the first day of class at that school. What began as an exciting first day for her turned out to be her last day in life. So, what started out as perhaps a day that she was looking forward to with excitement ended up being videoed. What these tragic events tell you is life can be extremely unpredictable. What seems like a bad outcome at first may trigger a set of positive downstream consequences. Missing a flight, for example, might lead you to meet the dream of your life, your life partner. Likewise, failing to find a parking spot close to the entrance of a grocery store might lead you to find $5 on the ground, money that you now will obviously spend on somebody else. Similarly, what starts out as a positive event might trigger a bunch of negative downstream consequences. Your dream job might lead you to become stressed out and eventually to a divorce. Likewise, winning the lottery might lead you to lose your close friends. Now, although most of us recognize this truth about life, that you can't tell if an outcome will be good or bad, will lead to good or bad consequences, we seldom take this fact about life to its logical conclusion which is this. We shouldn't rely on outcomes for our happiness. Sonja Lyubomirski in her book, The Myths of Happiness, makes this very point. She starts out by quoting William Blake who said, joy and woe are woven fine. Then she goes on to add, we may think we know whether a particular turning point should make us laugh or cry, but the truth is, positive and negative events are often entwined, rendering predictions about consequences, which may cascade in unexpected ways, exceedingly difficult. When we consider the single best thing that happened to us during past years and the single worst thing, we may be surprised to learn that they're often one and the same. Professor Lyubomirsky goes on to argue that is because we tether our happiness to outcomes that we make the mistake of thinking that external circumstances, earning a certain amount of money, being married to a certain person, living in a certain house, etc., will make us happier. In reality she argues, external circumstances account for only 10% of our happiness. Now you might ask, if we can't depend on outcomes for our happiness, then how would life look like? How would life look like for somebody who does not do this, does not tether his/her happiness to outcomes. To answer this question, let me tell you a story. Actually, you know what? Let me ask a good friend of mine, Professor Srikumar Rao, who teaches this excellent course called Creativity and Personal Mastery, to tell you this story. Professor Rao, could you please tell us the story of the man and his son who lived in this beautiful valley? You know the good thing, bad thing, who knows that story. » A man and his son and they lived in a beautiful valley and they were very happy but they were also dirt poor. The man got tired of being dirt poor and he wanted to be rich so he decided he was going to become rich by breeding horses, so he bought a stallion. He didn't have any money to buy the stallion, so he borrowed very heavily from his neighbors and he bought a stallion. And the very night he bought a stallion, it kicked the top bar loose from the paddock where he had housed it and ran away and all the neighbors came around and there was some shrapnel thrown in there in there and they said you were going to become rich and your horse ran away and it is terrible and the old man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing, bad thing, who knows. That horse fell in with a group of wild horses and it led the wild horses close to where the man was and he was able to entice some of them into the paddock, which he had repaired, so escape was now no longer possible, and so he had the original stallion back as well as other horses, which by the standards of that village, made him a very wealthy man. And all the neighbors came around, and there was more than a touch of envy, as they congratulated him on his good fortune. We thought you were destitute but now you're rich. And the man looked at them and shrugged his shoulders and said, good thing, bad thing, who knows? The man and his son, they started to try breaking the horses, so they could sell them at the market, and one of the horses threw the man's son and stomped on his leg. And it broke, and it healed crooked, and all the neighbors came around once again, and said, he was such a fine young lad, now he will never be able to find a girl to marry him, how unfortunate, and the man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing, bad thing, who knows? And that summer, the king of the country declared war on a neighboring country, and press gangs moved throughout all the villages, rounding up the able-bodied young men to serve in the army. And the neighbors came with tears in their eyes and they said, oh, our sons have been taken away. We don't know if we will ever see them again, but you still have your son. They didn't take that man's son because he had a game leg. And the old man shrugged his shoulder and said good thing, bad thing, who knows and it goes on like that forever. And it's actually trying to make a point and the point it's trying to make is that when something happens to you, you do not necessarily know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. » The man in the story you just heard, was clearly not wedded to outcomes for his happiness. So that's how you would be, like that man in that story, if you did not tether your happiness to outcomes. Does being like that man in the story sound appealing to you? If you're like most of my students, you're not so sure. Although there are some good aspects to not being at the mercy of outcomes, it seems like there are also some bad aspects to being that way. Here are two big concerns that many of my students have about being like that old man in the, let's call it the, GTBTWK = Good thing bad thing, who knows story. First concern that many of my students raise, this is the concern they have with de-linking happiness from outcomes, is that it runs the risk of never feeling happy again. As one of my students put it, if I didn't feel happy upon getting a good job or for getting married to my sweetheart, why would I feel happy about anything at all? Another concern with de-linking happiness from outcomes is that you may not find any goals worthy of pursuit. Imagine, say the goal of completing the scores. Imagine that you were totally indifferent whether you completed the goals or not. Whenever you thought of completing the goals, you told yourself good thing, bad thing, who knows. Clearly, you would be much less motivated to complete the goals than you would be if you thought. Yeah, I want to complete these goals. It's a good positive desirable outcome. The question is, are these objections to the idea of de-linking happiness from outcomes really valid? And that's a question to which I will get to in the next video. Until then, I hope you only experience good outcomes. [MUSIC]