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Happiness, 4.02 (V) Week 4 Video 2 - Why Being Overly Controlling of Others Lowers Happines

[MUSIC] Guten tag, my German and other friends. As I mentioned in the previous video, we feel good when we are in control. As I also mentioned, seeking control is actually a good thing, up to a certain extent. But being overly controlling is not a good thing. For the sake of simplicity, we can think of this sin of being overly controlling as coming in two main varieties. First is the variety of being overly controlling of other people. And the second is being overly controlling of outcomes. Let me first focus on why being overly controlling of other people lowers our happiness levels. Basically, there are three reasons for this. The first reason has to do with the simple fact that just as we have a desire to control others, others have a desire not to feel controlled by us. As we have seen a few times in this course already as human beings, we have a huge desire for autonomy and freedom. This means that we like to be in charge, or at least feel that we are in charge, of our own actions and of our own destiny. Even children as young as two years old have this desire, as you may know, if you have tried to prevent them from doing something that they really want to. And if you have a teenager, you know that their desire for autonomy is if anything, even more pronounced. The tantrums that teenagers throw, and the bad attitude that they are famous for all over the world, is rooted in large part to the fierce desire to protect their independence and autonomy. Of course, although the desire for autonomy may be strongest among two year olds and among teenagers, as Bob Cialdini, the famous psychologist and author of the really excellent book, Influence, Science and Practice Notes, adults aren't slouches when it comes to the desire for autonomy. We all have it, which is why our desire to do something, like buy Campbell's soup, goes up when there are restrictions on our behavior. There is a specific term that psychologists use to describe this desire to do something that we are not allowed to do. That is psychological reactance. Psychological reactance explains why seeking control over others is not a very good idea if you wanna be happy. When you seek to control others, others exhibit psychological reactants against it. For example, your attempt to control your spouse by asking her to eat healthy may be met with an increased consumption of unhealthy food just to spite you. Likewise, your attempt to control your kids to finish their homework, may be met with grumpiness or sulking, or other types of unpleasant behaviors that make it very clear to you that they do not like to be controlled. This is why, often in relationships, you can either have control over others, or you can have their love. You can't have both, and since love was such a fundamental need for us, as we saw last week, being overly controlling is not good for happiness. A related reason, why being overly controlling lowers happiness, has to do with what David McClelland, the well known motivational psychologist, called power stress, which is the tendency to get angry and frustrated when others don't behave like you want them to. In one study, participants high and low in need for power, which is really the same thing as the need for control, were asked to deliver an extemporaneous speech to an audience consisting of two confederates. These confederates were planted by the experimenters in this experiment, to behave in a certain fashion. For one set of participants, the confederates acted in a very supportive and pleasant manner. But to the other side, they reacted in a negative way. Here's what the results show. When the confederates acted positive and supportive, both those high and low need for power are controlled feel quite happy, obviously right? What's not to like about when the audience is supportive? The interesting difference between the two groups occurred when the confederates behaved negatively. When that happened, those high in need for power and control found it far more disturbing, and they ended up feeling far more negative than those low in need for power. Other studies have shown similar results. Basically, when you're high in need for power and control over others, you set yourself up for negative feelings. Anger, or frustration, or disappointment, maybe even depression, when others don't behave like you want them to. And that's the second reason why being overly controlling of others lowers happiness levels. The third reason why being overly controlling of others is not good for happiness has to do with the quality of the decisions you make. It turns out that we make our best decisions when we're exposed to a diverse set of views and inputs. This is why it is important to surround yourself with people from varied backgrounds and skills. That's when you're likely to get exposure to a diverse set of views. That's also why it's important to surround yourself, with people who are not afraid to disagree with you, and to speak their mind. When you're overly controlling of others, what's likely is that you only have people around you who will put up with you being controlling. That is, people who don't mind being controlled, the yeah-sayers. In other words, when you're overly controlling, you'll likely drive away those who have an independent mind and have a sort of independent thoughts and set of ideas. And you surround yourself with those who tend to agree with you all the time. This means that when you're overly controlling, your decision making is likely to suffer. So for all these reasons, one, people don't like to be controlled, and so, they won't cooperate with you or they won't like you if you're overly controlling, which, of course, will lower your happiness. Two, you're likely to get upset and angry when you're high in need for control and others disobey you. And three, even if you do manage to control others, your decision making will suffer as a result of being overly controlling. So, being overly controlling is really not a good thing for your happiness. But the fact that being overly controlling lowers happiness levels doesn't mean that we shouldn't try and influence or persuade others. Sometimes, and this might happen quite frequently in work settings, people do want direction and leadership from others. And so, seeking some degree of control or influence over other people is actually a good thing. If seeking control over others can be good, but being only controlling is not, then the question is, how do you know if you're being overly controlling or not? And how can you find out if your level of control seeking is at the ideal level in the mid point? Before I get to this question, let me finish discussing another way by which we exhibit the desire for control, by being overly controlling of outcomes. And how this way too, lowers our happiness levels. Auf Wiedersehen, and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]


[MUSIC] Guten tag, my German and other friends. As I mentioned in the previous video, we feel good when we are in control. As I also mentioned, seeking control is actually a good thing, up to a certain extent. But being overly controlling is not a good thing. For the sake of simplicity, we can think of this sin of being overly controlling as coming in two main varieties. First is the variety of being overly controlling of other people. And the second is being overly controlling of outcomes. Let me first focus on why being overly controlling of other people lowers our happiness levels. Basically, there are three reasons for this. The first reason has to do with the simple fact that just as we have a desire to control others, others have a desire not to feel controlled by us. As we have seen a few times in this course already as human beings, we have a huge desire for autonomy and freedom. This means that we like to be in charge, or at least feel that we are in charge, of our own actions and of our own destiny. Even children as young as two years old have this desire, as you may know, if you have tried to prevent them from doing something that they really want to. And if you have a teenager, you know that their desire for autonomy is if anything, even more pronounced. The tantrums that teenagers throw, and the bad attitude that they are famous for all over the world, is rooted in large part to the fierce desire to protect their independence and autonomy. Of course, although the desire for autonomy may be strongest among two year olds and among teenagers, as Bob Cialdini, the famous psychologist and author of the really excellent book, Influence, Science and Practice Notes, adults aren't slouches when it comes to the desire for autonomy. We all have it, which is why our desire to do something, like buy Campbell's soup, goes up when there are restrictions on our behavior. There is a specific term that psychologists use to describe this desire to do something that we are not allowed to do. That is psychological reactance. Psychological reactance explains why seeking control over others is not a very good idea if you wanna be happy. When you seek to control others, others exhibit psychological reactants against it. For example, your attempt to control your spouse by asking her to eat healthy may be met with an increased consumption of unhealthy food just to spite you. Likewise, your attempt to control your kids to finish their homework, may be met with grumpiness or sulking, or other types of unpleasant behaviors that make it very clear to you that they do not like to be controlled. This is why, often in relationships, you can either have control over others, or you can have their love. You can't have both, and since love was such a fundamental need for us, as we saw last week, being overly controlling is not good for happiness. A related reason, why being overly controlling lowers happiness, has to do with what David McClelland, the well known motivational psychologist, called power stress, which is the tendency to get angry and frustrated when others don't behave like you want them to. In one study, participants high and low in need for power, which is really the same thing as the need for control, were asked to deliver an extemporaneous speech to an audience consisting of two confederates. These confederates were planted by the experimenters in this experiment, to behave in a certain fashion. For one set of participants, the confederates acted in a very supportive and pleasant manner. But to the other side, they reacted in a negative way. Here's what the results show. When the confederates acted positive and supportive, both those high and low need for power are controlled feel quite happy, obviously right? What's not to like about when the audience is supportive? The interesting difference between the two groups occurred when the confederates behaved negatively. When that happened, those high in need for power and control found it far more disturbing, and they ended up feeling far more negative than those low in need for power. Other studies have shown similar results. Basically, when you're high in need for power and control over others, you set yourself up for negative feelings. Anger, or frustration, or disappointment, maybe even depression, when others don't behave like you want them to. And that's the second reason why being overly controlling of others lowers happiness levels. The third reason why being overly controlling of others is not good for happiness has to do with the quality of the decisions you make. It turns out that we make our best decisions when we're exposed to a diverse set of views and inputs. This is why it is important to surround yourself with people from varied backgrounds and skills. That's when you're likely to get exposure to a diverse set of views. That's also why it's important to surround yourself, with people who are not afraid to disagree with you, and to speak their mind. When you're overly controlling of others, what's likely is that you only have people around you who will put up with you being controlling. That is, people who don't mind being controlled, the yeah-sayers. In other words, when you're overly controlling, you'll likely drive away those who have an independent mind and have a sort of independent thoughts and set of ideas. And you surround yourself with those who tend to agree with you all the time. This means that when you're overly controlling, your decision making is likely to suffer. So for all these reasons, one, people don't like to be controlled, and so, they won't cooperate with you or they won't like you if you're overly controlling, which, of course, will lower your happiness. Two, you're likely to get upset and angry when you're high in need for control and others disobey you. And three, even if you do manage to control others, your decision making will suffer as a result of being overly controlling. So, being overly controlling is really not a good thing for your happiness. But the fact that being overly controlling lowers happiness levels doesn't mean that we shouldn't try and influence or persuade others. Sometimes, and this might happen quite frequently in work settings, people do want direction and leadership from others. And so, seeking some degree of control or influence over other people is actually a good thing. If seeking control over others can be good, but being only controlling is not, then the question is, how do you know if you're being overly controlling or not? And how can you find out if your level of control seeking is at the ideal level in the mid point? Before I get to this question, let me finish discussing another way by which we exhibit the desire for control, by being overly controlling of outcomes. And how this way too, lowers our happiness levels. Auf Wiedersehen, and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]