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Happiness, 3.02 (V) Week 3 Video 2 - Further evidence of our social nature

3.02 (V) Week 3 Video 2 - Further evidence of our social nature

[MUSIC] Merhaba. My friend from Turkey and elsewhere. In the last video, I shared with you some evidence on how important the need to be loved is to us as human beings. I told you how we care so much for what others think of us, which is why we mimic them often without even realizing that we're doing it. It's also why the feeling of being in love is cherished universally. In this video, I want to share with you some additional evidence on how important love is for us. Let me begin with a set of studies that I conducted along with my dissertation co-chair, Kim Coltman from NYU. In these studies, we wanted to find out whether the popular saying, happiness shared is doubled and sadness shared is halved, is true or not. Imagine that you're a participant in the experiment. And as you enter the experimental room, you're told that the study is about rating advertisements. As it turns out, there is only one other participant in the room and both of you are told to watch an ad together. Now, you don't know this, but this other participant in the room is actually a professional actor. Someone that Kim and I have hired, and planted in the room to play the role of a participant. The actor is being told to act in a particular fashion, as you will soon see. Imagine that the ad that you're seeing is an ad that you really like, you really enjoy it. You find it funny and engaging. But from the reactions of the other participant, it seems very clear that he doesn't like the ad at all. How much would you rate the enjoyment of the experience of watching the ad with this other participant who disagrees with you? Now, imagine an alternative scenario, imagine that you find the ad to be terrible. It's boring and long, and it seems from the reaction of the participant that he totally agrees with you. Now, in this scenario, compared to the previous one, how much would you enjoy the experience. These scenarios, if you think about it, are quite similar to some other scenarios that are quite commonplace. For example, you may be at a movie that you're really enjoying and you turn over to look at your spouse and she's not just sleeping but is actually snoring. Or, you go to a restaurant and you find the food to be terrible and everybody in your group agrees with you that it's terrible. In the experiment that Kim and I did, we put participants in one of four different scenarios. Some participants found themselves watching a really enjoyable ad and they were in the company of another participant, the actor, who agreed with them or disagreed with them. So, that's two groups. Other participants found themselves watching really boring ads and where either in the company of another participant, again the same actor, who either agreed or disagreed with them. In each scenario, after the whole experience was over, the participants were asked to rate how much they enjoyed the experience of viewing the ad. Consider the four scenarios on your screen. In which scenario would you predict that the participants enjoyment would be the highest. Scenario one, scenario two, scenario three, or scenario four. Clearly, it would be scenario one, in which not only do the participants like the ad, they're also in the company of somebody that agrees with them. But how about the two scenarios? Scenario two, in which the participant is in the company of somebody that disagrees with them even though the ad is enjoyable or scenario four where the participant is in the company of somebody who agrees with them but the ad itself is terrible. Pick one option, thanks for answering the question. As you can see from the graph on the screen, what we found is on average, participants enjoyed the experience more when they thought that the ad was not enjoyable, and the person that they were watching the ad with agreed with them. In the scenario in which the participants enjoyed the ad, liked the ad itself, but the other participant disagreed with them, the participants actually enjoyed the experience less. What this tells you is that we care a lot about what others think. More or so that we care about how enjoyable the activity that we're sharing with the others is. What this means is, you'd rather go to a boring movie, or a party, or a vacation, with somebody that you agree with, than to go to a great movie, party, or vacation with somebody that you totally disagree with. Kim and I found that the reason why agreement between oneself and others matters so much is because we care a lot about connecting with others. When others agree with us about something, we feel that we have a better chance of connecting with them, which makes us feel good. By contrast, when others disagree with us, we feel that we can't form a bond with them, and this makes us feel bad. There are several other studies which have also shown just how important it is for us to feel the sense of connection with other people. In one study, Daniel Kahneman, the Nobel Laureate, and his quarters, asked participants to think of all the things that they did the previous day, like commuting to work, eating, exercising, watching TV, socializing, etc. And, also I simply recall how happy they were when they were doing these activities. In all, people rated 25 different activities that they engaged in on the previous day. They found that of these 25 activities the top two happiest activities both of them involved socializing. The first was intimate relationships and the second is socializing. If hanging out with others makes us so happy, then it must be the case that being rejected by others should make us feel really sad, and many studies do indeed confirm that. In one study, which was conducted on a computer. Participants were asked to play a game called Cyber Ball. The game involved throwing a virtual ball to two other participants on the computer. Participants were led to believe that these two other participants were real human beings, but in reality, these other participants were actually a computer program. So every participant was playing with two other virtual people who didn't really exist. The experimenters cleverly programmed these virtual people to either reject the participant or include him. Imagine that you're a participant in this study and you get to throw a ball to somebody else that you think is a real participant. And then, that participant throws the ball back to the 3rd person and this goes on for some time. After some time, the 2 other participants stop throwing the ball to you, and keep throwing the ball to each other. How would you feel? Compare that to a situation where you get the ball just as frequently as the other 2 participants get it. Now, how would you feel? Researchers found that when participants were rejected, the same brain circuits that are activated when people experience physical pain got activated. In other words, the hurt that we feel when we're socially rejected is just as intense as the pain that we feel when we get physically hurt. This finding that social rejection has a physical effect suggests that people who are repeatedly rejected and people who feel routinely lonely and isolated may suffer from not just psychological problems but also physical problems. John Cacioppo, a professor at the University of Chicago has looked at the effects of loneliness on both mental and physical health. And he finds that loneliness significantly increases the likelihood of a whole host of not just psychological problems like depression and insomnia, but a whole host of physiological problems as well, from diabetes and heart problems to obesity. Findings from one study, one of his studies, for example, showed that the blood pressure of those who felt lonely was a full 30 points higher than those who felt that they were in healthy relationships. Another study showed that feeling connected to others is so important that four of the five processes operating in the background of our brain. When our brain is at rest basically involve, and I'm quoting here, involve thinking about our social relationships. At one level, it's not surprising that the need to be loved and nurtured is so deep-seated. After all, as human beings,when we are born, we're born totally helpless. And we remain helpless for many, many years after it. In comparison, other animals aren't as helpless when they are born. And certainly start standing on their own two feet far earlier than human beings do. So naturally, given how critical it is for us to feel loved and nurtured in our formative years as we're growing up, it's quite understandable that we crave to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships even as adults. But the problem is when we seek this need feverishly, we become needy that is. It actually has a counterproductive effect and it lowers our happiness levels rather than boosting it. This doesn't mean, however, that the solution to be a happy and fulfilled person is to do the opposite of being needy. That is, totally avoid others. As it turns out, denying the need to be loved is also bad for happiness. So either extreme, being needy or being avoidant as researchers call it, is a problem if you want to be happy. In the next two videos, I'll explain why neediness and avoidance lower happiness levels, and then in a subsequent video discuss what is best, that is what is the most healthy attitude when it comes to a relationship. [FOREIGN] Till then and see you soon. [MUSIC]


3.02 (V) Week 3 Video 2 - Further evidence of our social nature

[MUSIC] Merhaba. My friend from Turkey and elsewhere. In the last video, I shared with you some evidence on how important the need to be loved is to us as human beings. I told you how we care so much for what others think of us, which is why we mimic them often without even realizing that we're doing it. It's also why the feeling of being in love is cherished universally. In this video, I want to share with you some additional evidence on how important love is for us. Let me begin with a set of studies that I conducted along with my dissertation co-chair, Kim Coltman from NYU. In these studies, we wanted to find out whether the popular saying, happiness shared is doubled and sadness shared is halved, is true or not. Imagine that you're a participant in the experiment. And as you enter the experimental room, you're told that the study is about rating advertisements. As it turns out, there is only one other participant in the room and both of you are told to watch an ad together. Now, you don't know this, but this other participant in the room is actually a professional actor. Someone that Kim and I have hired, and planted in the room to play the role of a participant. The actor is being told to act in a particular fashion, as you will soon see. Imagine that the ad that you're seeing is an ad that you really like, you really enjoy it. You find it funny and engaging. But from the reactions of the other participant, it seems very clear that he doesn't like the ad at all. How much would you rate the enjoyment of the experience of watching the ad with this other participant who disagrees with you? Now, imagine an alternative scenario, imagine that you find the ad to be terrible. It's boring and long, and it seems from the reaction of the participant that he totally agrees with you. Now, in this scenario, compared to the previous one, how much would you enjoy the experience. These scenarios, if you think about it, are quite similar to some other scenarios that are quite commonplace. For example, you may be at a movie that you're really enjoying and you turn over to look at your spouse and she's not just sleeping but is actually snoring. Or, you go to a restaurant and you find the food to be terrible and everybody in your group agrees with you that it's terrible. In the experiment that Kim and I did, we put participants in one of four different scenarios. Some participants found themselves watching a really enjoyable ad and they were in the company of another participant, the actor, who agreed with them or disagreed with them. So, that's two groups. Other participants found themselves watching really boring ads and where either in the company of another participant, again the same actor, who either agreed or disagreed with them. In each scenario, after the whole experience was over, the participants were asked to rate how much they enjoyed the experience of viewing the ad. Consider the four scenarios on your screen. In which scenario would you predict that the participants enjoyment would be the highest. Scenario one, scenario two, scenario three, or scenario four. Clearly, it would be scenario one, in which not only do the participants like the ad, they're also in the company of somebody that agrees with them. But how about the two scenarios? Scenario two, in which the participant is in the company of somebody that disagrees with them even though the ad is enjoyable or scenario four where the participant is in the company of somebody who agrees with them but the ad itself is terrible. Pick one option, thanks for answering the question. As you can see from the graph on the screen, what we found is on average, participants enjoyed the experience more when they thought that the ad was not enjoyable, and the person that they were watching the ad with agreed with them. In the scenario in which the participants enjoyed the ad, liked the ad itself, but the other participant disagreed with them, the participants actually enjoyed the experience less. What this tells you is that we care a lot about what others think. More or so that we care about how enjoyable the activity that we're sharing with the others is. What this means is, you'd rather go to a boring movie, or a party, or a vacation, with somebody that you agree with, than to go to a great movie, party, or vacation with somebody that you totally disagree with. Kim and I found that the reason why agreement between oneself and others matters so much is because we care a lot about connecting with others. When others agree with us about something, we feel that we have a better chance of connecting with them, which makes us feel good. By contrast, when others disagree with us, we feel that we can't form a bond with them, and this makes us feel bad. There are several other studies which have also shown just how important it is for us to feel the sense of connection with other people. In one study, Daniel Kahneman, the Nobel Laureate, and his quarters, asked participants to think of all the things that they did the previous day, like commuting to work, eating, exercising, watching TV, socializing, etc. And, also I simply recall how happy they were when they were doing these activities. In all, people rated 25 different activities that they engaged in on the previous day. They found that of these 25 activities the top two happiest activities both of them involved socializing. The first was intimate relationships and the second is socializing. If hanging out with others makes us so happy, then it must be the case that being rejected by others should make us feel really sad, and many studies do indeed confirm that. In one study, which was conducted on a computer. Participants were asked to play a game called Cyber Ball. The game involved throwing a virtual ball to two other participants on the computer. Participants were led to believe that these two other participants were real human beings, but in reality, these other participants were actually a computer program. So every participant was playing with two other virtual people who didn't really exist. The experimenters cleverly programmed these virtual people to either reject the participant or include him. Imagine that you're a participant in this study and you get to throw a ball to somebody else that you think is a real participant. And then, that participant throws the ball back to the 3rd person and this goes on for some time. After some time, the 2 other participants stop throwing the ball to you, and keep throwing the ball to each other. How would you feel? Compare that to a situation where you get the ball just as frequently as the other 2 participants get it. Now, how would you feel? Researchers found that when participants were rejected, the same brain circuits that are activated when people experience physical pain got activated. In other words, the hurt that we feel when we're socially rejected is just as intense as the pain that we feel when we get physically hurt. This finding that social rejection has a physical effect suggests that people who are repeatedly rejected and people who feel routinely lonely and isolated may suffer from not just psychological problems but also physical problems. John Cacioppo, a professor at the University of Chicago has looked at the effects of loneliness on both mental and physical health. And he finds that loneliness significantly increases the likelihood of a whole host of not just psychological problems like depression and insomnia, but a whole host of physiological problems as well, from diabetes and heart problems to obesity. Findings from one study, one of his studies, for example, showed that the blood pressure of those who felt lonely was a full 30 points higher than those who felt that they were in healthy relationships. Another study showed that feeling connected to others is so important that four of the five processes operating in the background of our brain. When our brain is at rest basically involve, and I'm quoting here, involve thinking about our social relationships. At one level, it's not surprising that the need to be loved and nurtured is so deep-seated. After all, as human beings,when we are born, we're born totally helpless. And we remain helpless for many, many years after it. In comparison, other animals aren't as helpless when they are born. And certainly start standing on their own two feet far earlier than human beings do. So naturally, given how critical it is for us to feel loved and nurtured in our formative years as we're growing up, it's quite understandable that we crave to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships even as adults. But the problem is when we seek this need feverishly, we become needy that is. It actually has a counterproductive effect and it lowers our happiness levels rather than boosting it. This doesn't mean, however, that the solution to be a happy and fulfilled person is to do the opposite of being needy. That is, totally avoid others. As it turns out, denying the need to be loved is also bad for happiness. So either extreme, being needy or being avoidant as researchers call it, is a problem if you want to be happy. In the next two videos, I'll explain why neediness and avoidance lower happiness levels, and then in a subsequent video discuss what is best, that is what is the most healthy attitude when it comes to a relationship. [FOREIGN] Till then and see you soon. [MUSIC]