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TED, Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid

Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid

I grew up with my identical twin, who was an incredibly loving brother. Now, one thing about being a twin is that it makes you an expert at spotting favoritism. If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions. And clearly, I wasn't starving. (Laughter)

0:39When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind, and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind. I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology, and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say, "Oh, a psychologist. So not a real doctor," as if it should say that on my card. (Laughter) This favoritism we show the body over the mind, I see it everywhere.

1:20I recently was at a friend's house, and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed. He was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth, when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell He cried for a minute, but then he got back up, got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut. Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces, but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected, and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day. We all know how to maintain our physical health and how to practice dental hygiene, right? We've known it since we were five years old. But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? Well, nothing. What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? Nothing. How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds. Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health?

2:32We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. And they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't. It doesn't even occur to us that we should "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head. " Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg. " (Laughter) It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health. It's time we made them more equal, more like twins.

3:26Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. So he's not a real doctor, either. (Laughter) We didn't study together, though. In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is move across the Atlantic to New York City to get my doctorate in psychology. We were apart then for the first time in our lives, and the separation was brutal for both of us. But while he remained among family and friends, I was alone in a new country We missed each other terribly, but international phone calls were really expensive then and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week. When our birthday rolled around, it was the first we wouldn't be spending together. We decide to splurge, and that week we would talk for 10 minutes. I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call -- and waiting and waiting, but the phone didn't ring. Given the time difference, I assumed, "Ok, he's out with friends, he will call later. " There were no cell phones then. But he didn't. And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months, he no longer missed me the way I missed him. I knew he would call in the morning, but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life. I woke up the next morning I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook when pacing the day before. I stumbled out off bed, I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later, and it was my brother, and, boy, was he pissed. (Laughter) It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well. Now I tried to explain what happened, but he said, "I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you, why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me? " He was right. Why didn't I call him? I didn't have an answer then, but I do today,and it's a simple one: loneliness.

5:42Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. It make us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand? I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. But loneliness is defined purely subjectively It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. And I did. There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying. Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you. I'm not kidding. Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death by 14 percent.Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol. It even suppress the functioning of your immune system, making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases. In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together, chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking. Now cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you" But loneliness doesn't. And that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health, that we practice emotional hygiene. Because you can't treat a psychological wound if you don't even know you're injured. Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.

7:39Failure does that as well. I once visited a day care center, where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys. You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out. One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it, and then she just sat back and looked at the box, with her lower lip trembling. The little boy next to her watched this happen, then turned to his box and and burst into tears without even touching it. Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of until she slid the red button, the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight So three toddlers with identical plastic toys, but with very different reactions to failure. The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button. The only thing that prevented them from succeeding was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not. Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time. In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

8:54Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be. Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something and you believe it, then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all. And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed. You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential.Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it

9:26Once we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind. I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother. We were driving with friends down a dark road at night,when a police car stopped us. There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects.The officer approached the car, and he shined his flashlight on the driver, then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me. And his eyes opened wide and he said, "Where have I seen your face before? "(Laughter) And I said, "In the front seat. " (Laughter) But that made no sense to him whatsoever. So now he thought I was on drugs. (Laughter) So he drags me out of the car, he searches me, he marches me over to the police car, and only when he verified I didn't have a police record, could I show him I had a twin in the front seat. But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face he was convinced that I was getting away with something

10:33Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced. So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail. But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed. You have to fight feelings of helplessness. You have to gain control over the situation. And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins. Our minds and our feelings, they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were. They are more like a really moody friend, who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next. I once worked with this woman who after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce, was finally ready for her first date. She had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful, and most importantly, he seemed really into her So she was very excited, she bought a new dress, and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink. Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, "I'm not interested," and walks out. Rejection is extremely painful. The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend. Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect? You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say,why would a handsome, successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you? " Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel? But it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that. It's what the woman said to herself. And that's something we all do, especially after a rejection. We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings, what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't, we call ourselves names. Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it And it's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting. Why would we want to go and damage it even further? We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose. You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know! I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it. " 12:51But we do that with psychological injuries all the time. Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.Because we don't prioritize our psychological health. We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower, you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety, that failures and rejections hurt more and it takes longer to recover from them. So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp. When you're in emotional pain, treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend. We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them

One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. To ruminate means to chew over. It's when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class, or you have big fight with a friend and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days, sometimes for weeks on end. Ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, and it's a very costly one. Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts, you are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and even cardiovascular disease.

14:21The problem is the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, so it's a difficult habit to stop. I know this for a fact, because a little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself. You see, my twin brother was diagnosed with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. His cancer was extremly aggressive.He had visible tumors all over his body. And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy. And I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through. I couldn't stop thinking about how much he was suffering, even though he never complained, not once. He had this incredibly positive attitude. His psychological health was amazing. I was physically healthy, but psychologically I was a mess. But I knew what to do. Studies tell us that even a two-minute distraction is sufficient to break the urge to ruminate in that moment. And so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought, I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed. And within one week, my whole outlook changed and became more positive and more hopeful Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan, and I was by his side when he got the results. All the tumors were gone. He still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go, but we knew he would recover. This picture was taken two weeks ago.

16:04By taking action when you're lonely, by changing your responses to failure, by protecting your self-esteem, by battling negative thinking, you won't just heal your psychological wounds, you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive. A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades. I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.

16:42Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was psychologically healthier? If there were less loneliness and less depression? If people knew how to overcome failure? If they felt better about themselves and more empowered? If they were happier and more fulfilled? I can, because that's the world I want to live in, and that's the world my brother wants to live in as well. And if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, well, that's the world we can all live in.

17:17Thank you very much

17:19 (Applause)

Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid Guy Winch: Warum wir alle emotionale Erste Hilfe leisten müssen Guy Winch: Winch: Γιατί όλοι πρέπει να εξασκούμε τις συναισθηματικές πρώτες βοήθειες Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid Guy Winch: Por qué todos necesitamos practicar primeros auxilios emocionales Guy Winch : Pourquoi nous devons tous pratiquer les premiers secours émotionnels ガイ・ウィンチなぜ私たちは感情的な応急処置を実践する必要があるのか Guy Winch: Porque é que todos nós precisamos de praticar os primeiros socorros emocionais Гай Винч: Почему нам всем необходимо практиковать эмоциональную первую помощь Guy Winch: Neden hepimiz duygusal ilk yardım pratiği yapmalıyız? 盖伊·温奇:为什么我们都需要练习情感急救 蓋伊溫奇:為什麼我們都需要練習情緒急救

I grew up with my identical twin, who was an incredibly loving brother. Crecí con mi gemelo idéntico, que era un hermano increíblemente amoroso. J'ai grandi avec mon jumeau identique, qui était un frère incroyablement aimant. Now, one thing about being a twin is that it makes you an expert at spotting favoritism. Ahora, una cosa acerca de ser un gemelo es que te hace un experto en detectar el favoritismo. Le fait d'être un jumeau fait de vous un expert en matière de favoritisme. If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions. Si su galleta era incluso un poco más grande que mi galleta, tenía preguntas. And clearly, I wasn’t starving. Y claro, no me estaba muriendo de hambre. (Laughter)

0:39When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind, and that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind. 0: 39Cuando me convertí en psicólogo, comencé a notar un favoritismo de un tipo diferente, y eso es lo mucho más que valoramos el cuerpo que lo que hacemos con la mente. 0:39Lorsque je suis devenue psychologue, j'ai commencé à remarquer un favoritisme d'une autre nature, à savoir que nous accordons beaucoup plus d'importance au corps qu'à l'esprit. 0:39 Когда я стал психологом, я стал замечать фаворитизм другого рода, а именно то, насколько больше мы ценим тело, чем разум. I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology, and I can’t tell you how many people look at my business card and say, "Oh, a psychologist. Pasé nueve años en la universidad obteniendo mi doctorado en psicología, y no puedo decirle cuánta gente mira mi tarjeta de presentación y dice: "Oh, un psicólogo. So not a real doctor," as if it should say that on my card. Also kein richtiger Arzt", als ob das auf meiner Karte stehen sollte. Así que no soy un verdadero médico, "como si dijera eso en mi tarjeta. (Laughter) This favoritism we show the body over the mind, I see it everywhere. (Risas) Este favoritismo que mostramos el cuerpo sobre la mente, lo veo en todas partes.

1:20I recently was at a friend’s house, and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed. 1: 20 Hace poco estuve en la casa de un amigo y su hijo de cinco años se estaba preparando para ir a la cama. 1:20Je me trouvais récemment chez un ami dont l'enfant de cinq ans se préparait à aller au lit. He was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth, when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell He cried for a minute, but then he got back up, got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut. Estaba parado en un taburete junto al fregadero, lavándose los dientes, cuando resbaló, y se rascó la pierna en el taburete cuando cayó. Lloró por un minuto, pero luego se levantó, volvió al taburete y buscó Una caja de Band-Aids para poner una en su corte. Il était debout sur un tabouret près de l'évier en train de se brosser les dents, lorsqu'il a glissé et s'est égratigné la jambe sur le tabouret en tombant. Il a pleuré pendant une minute, puis il s'est relevé, est remonté sur le tabouret et a tendu la main vers une boîte de pansements pour en mettre un sur sa coupure. Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces, but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn’t become infected, and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day. Ahora, este niño apenas podía atarse los cordones de sus zapatos, pero sabía que tenía que cubrir un corte, para que no se infecte, y tiene que cuidar sus dientes cepillándose dos veces al día. Так вот, этот ребенок едва мог завязать шнурки, но он знал, что вы должны прикрыть порез, чтобы он не заразился, и вы должны заботиться о своих зубах, чистя их два раза в день. We all know how to maintain our physical health and how to practice dental hygiene, right? Todos sabemos cómo mantener nuestra salud física y cómo practicar la higiene dental, ¿verdad? We’ve known it since we were five years old. Lo sabemos desde que teníamos cinco años. But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? Pero, ¿qué sabemos acerca de mantener nuestra salud psicológica? Well, nothing. What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? Nothing. How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds. Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health? ¿Por qué nuestra salud física es mucho más importante para nosotros que nuestra salud psicológica?

2:32We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. 2: 32Sustentamos lesiones psicológicas incluso más a menudo que las físicas, lesiones como el fracaso o el rechazo o la soledad. 2:32Nous subissons des blessures psychologiques encore plus souvent que des blessures physiques, des blessures comme l'échec, le rejet ou la solitude. 2:32 Doświadczamy urazów psychicznych nawet częściej niż fizycznych, takich jak porażka, odrzucenie czy samotność. 2:32 Мы получаем психологические травмы даже чаще, чем физические, травмы, такие как неудача, отвержение или одиночество. And they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don’t. Y, sin embargo, a pesar de que existen técnicas científicamente probadas que podríamos usar para tratar este tipo de lesiones psicológicas, no lo hacemos. It doesn’t even occur to us that we should "Oh, you’re feeling depressed? Ni siquiera se nos ocurre que deberíamos "Oh, ¿te sientes deprimido? Just shake it off; it’s all in your head. Sólo sacúdalo; Todo está en tu cabeza. Po prostu się otrząśnij; to wszystko jest w twojej głowie. " Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it’s all in your leg. "¿Te imaginas decirle eso a alguien con una pierna fracturada?" Oh, simplemente aléjate; todo está en tu pierna "Pouvez-vous imaginer dire cela à quelqu'un qui s'est cassé la jambe : "Oh, marchez, c'est tout ce que vous avez dans la jambe. " Czy możesz sobie wyobrazić, że mówisz to komuś ze złamaną nogą? "Och, po prostu chodź; to wszystko w twojej nodze. " (Laughter) It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health. "(Risas) Es hora de cerrar la brecha entre nuestra salud física y psicológica. "Il est temps de combler le fossé entre notre santé physique et notre santé psychologique. It’s time we made them more equal, more like twins.

3:26Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. 3: 26 Hablando de eso, mi hermano también es psicólogo. So he’s not a real doctor, either. (Laughter) We didn’t study together, though. (Risas) Aunque no estudiamos juntos. In fact, the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life is move across the Atlantic to New York City to get my doctorate in psychology. De hecho, lo más difícil que he hecho en mi vida es mudarme por el Atlántico a la ciudad de Nueva York para obtener mi doctorado en psicología. En fait, la chose la plus difficile que j'ai faite dans ma vie est de traverser l'Atlantique pour me rendre à New York afin d'obtenir mon doctorat en psychologie. We were apart then for the first time in our lives, and the separation was brutal for both of us. But while he remained among family and friends, I was alone in a new country We missed each other terribly, but international phone calls were really expensive then and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week. Pero mientras él permanecía entre familiares y amigos, estaba solo en un nuevo país. Nos echábamos mucho de menos, pero las llamadas internacionales eran realmente caras y solo nos podíamos permitir hablar por cinco minutos a la semana. When our birthday rolled around, it was the first we wouldn’t be spending together. Cuando llegó nuestro cumpleaños, fue el primero que no gastaríamos juntos. Lorsque notre anniversaire est arrivé, c'était le premier que nous ne passions pas ensemble. We decide to splurge, and that week we would talk for 10 minutes. Decidimos derrochar, y esa semana hablaríamos durante 10 minutos. Nous décidons de faire des folies et, cette semaine-là, nous parlerons pendant 10 minutes. I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call -- and waiting and waiting, but the phone didn’t ring. Pasé la mañana caminando por mi habitación, esperando a que lo llamara, y esperando y esperando, pero el teléfono no sonaba. Given the time difference, I assumed, "Ok, he’s out with friends, he will call later. " There were no cell phones then. But he didn’t. And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months, he no longer missed me the way I missed him. Y comencé a darme cuenta de que después de estar ausente por más de 10 meses, ya no me extrañaba como yo lo extrañaba. I knew he would call in the morning, but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life. Sabía que me llamaría por la mañana, pero esa noche fue una de las noches más tristes y largas de mi vida. I woke up the next morning I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook when pacing the day before. Me desperté a la mañana siguiente. Miré el teléfono y me di cuenta de que lo había descolgado al pasear el día anterior. Je me suis réveillé le lendemain matin, j'ai jeté un coup d'œil au téléphone et j'ai réalisé que je l'avais décroché en faisant les cent pas la veille. Obudziłem się następnego ranka, spojrzałem w dół na telefon i zdałem sobie sprawę, że wyłączyłem go podczas spaceru poprzedniego dnia. Проснувшись на следующее утро, я взглянул на телефон и понял, что скинул его с крючка, расхаживая накануне. I stumbled out off bed, I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later, and it was my brother, and, boy, was he pissed. Me tropecé fuera de la cama, puse el teléfono en el auricular, y sonó un segundo más tarde, y era mi hermano, y, muchacho, estaba enojado. J'ai trébuché hors du lit, j'ai remis le téléphone sur le récepteur, et il a sonné une seconde plus tard, et c'était mon frère et, mon garçon, était-il énervé. (Laughter) It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well. Now I tried to explain what happened, but he said, "I don’t understand. If you saw I wasn’t calling you, why didn’t you just pick up the phone and call me? " He was right. Why didn’t I call him? I didn’t have an answer then, but I do today,and it’s a simple one: loneliness.

5:42Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. 5: 42La soledad crea una profunda herida psicológica, que distorsiona nuestras percepciones y revuelve nuestro pensamiento. La solitude crée une blessure psychologique profonde, qui déforme nos perceptions et brouille notre pensée. 5:42Samotność tworzy głęboką psychologiczną ranę, która zniekształca naszą percepcję i miesza nasze myślenie. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. Nos hace creer que a los que nos rodean les importa mucho menos de lo que realmente les importa. Elle nous fait croire que ceux qui nous entourent se soucient beaucoup moins de nous qu'ils ne le font en réalité. It make us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand? Nos da mucho miedo acercarnos, porque ¿por qué prepararte para el rechazo y la angustia cuando tu corazón ya duele más de lo que puedes soportar? Cela nous fait vraiment peur de tendre la main, car pourquoi vous préparer au rejet et au chagrin d'amour alors que votre cœur vous fait déjà plus mal que vous ne pouvez le supporter? I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. En aquel entonces estaba en una situación de verdadera soledad, pero estaba rodeado de gente todo el día, por lo que nunca se me ocurrió. J'étais en proie à une vraie solitude à l'époque, mais j'étais entouré de gens toute la journée, donc cela ne m'est jamais venu à l'esprit. But loneliness is defined purely subjectively It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. Pero la soledad se define puramente subjetivamente. Depende únicamente de si se siente desconectado emocional o socialmente de quienes lo rodean. Samotność jest jednak definiowana czysto subiektywnie i zależy wyłącznie od tego, czy czujesz się emocjonalnie lub społecznie odłączony od otaczających Cię osób. And I did. Y lo hice. There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying. Hay mucha investigación sobre la soledad, y todo eso es horroroso. Loneliness won’t just make you miserable, it will kill you. La soledad no solo te hará miserable, te matará. I’m not kidding. No estoy bromeando. Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death by 14 percent.Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol. La soledad crónica aumenta su probabilidad de muerte prematura en un 14 por ciento. La soledad causa presión arterial alta y colesterol alto. La solitude chronique augmente de 14 % la probabilité d'une mort prématurée. La solitude est à l'origine de l'hypertension artérielle et de l'hypercholestérolémie. It even suppress the functioning of your immune system, making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases. Incluso suprime el funcionamiento de su sistema inmunológico, haciéndolo vulnerable a todo tipo de enfermedades. Il supprime même le fonctionnement de votre système immunitaire, ce qui vous rend vulnérable à toutes sortes de maladies et d'affections. In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together, chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking. De hecho, los científicos han llegado a la conclusión de que, en conjunto, la soledad crónica representa un riesgo tan importante para su salud a largo plazo como para fumar cigarrillos. En fait, les scientifiques ont conclu que, dans l'ensemble, la solitude chronique présente un risque aussi important pour la santé et la longévité à long terme que le tabagisme. На самом деле, ученые пришли к выводу, что хроническое одиночество в совокупности представляет такой же значительный риск для вашего здоровья и долголетия, как и курение сигарет. Now cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you" But loneliness doesn’t. Ahora los paquetes de cigarrillos vienen con advertencias que dicen: "Esto podría matarte", pero la soledad no lo hace. And that’s why it’s so important that we prioritize our psychological health, that we practice emotional hygiene. Y es por eso que es tan importante que prioricemos nuestra salud psicológica, que practiquemos la higiene emocional. Because you can’t treat a psychological wound if you don’t even know you’re injured. Porque no puedes tratar una herida psicológica si ni siquiera sabes que estás herido. Loneliness isn’t the only psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and misleads us. La soledad no es la única herida psicológica que distorsiona nuestras percepciones y nos engaña. La solitude n'est pas la seule blessure psychologique qui déforme nos perceptions et nous induit en erreur.

7:39Failure does that as well. 7: 39El fracaso también hace eso. I once visited a day care center, where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys. Una vez visité un centro de cuidado diurno, donde vi a tres niños jugar con juguetes de plástico idénticos. You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out. Tenías que deslizar el botón rojo, y un perrito lindo saldría. Il fallait faire glisser le bouton rouge et un adorable toutou apparaissait. Trzeba było przesunąć czerwony przycisk, a wyskakiwał słodki piesek. One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it, and then she just sat back and looked at the box, with her lower lip trembling. Una pequeña niña trató de apretar el botón púrpura, luego lo presionó, y luego se recostó y miró la caja, con el labio inferior temblando. Une petite fille a essayé de tirer sur le bouton violet, puis de le pousser, avant de s'asseoir et de regarder la boîte, la lèvre inférieure tremblante. Jedna mała dziewczynka próbowała pociągnąć za fioletowy przycisk, potem go nacisnąć, a potem po prostu usiadła i patrzyła na pudełko z drżącą dolną wargą. The little boy next to her watched this happen, then turned to his box and and burst into tears without even touching it. El niño pequeño a su lado vio que esto sucedía, luego se volvió hacia su caja y rompió a llorar sin siquiera tocarla. Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of until she slid the red button, the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight So three toddlers with identical plastic toys, but with very different reactions to failure. Mientras tanto, otra niña intentó todo lo que pudo pensar hasta que ella deslizó el botón rojo, la perrita salta y chilla de alegría. Tres niños pequeños con juguetes de plástico idénticos, pero con reacciones muy diferentes al fracaso. Pendant ce temps, une autre petite fille a essayé tout ce à quoi elle pouvait penser jusqu'à ce qu'elle fasse glisser le bouton rouge, le mignon toutou sortit et elle poussa un cri de joie. Donc, trois bambins avec des jouets en plastique identiques, mais avec des réactions très différentes à l'échec. W międzyczasie inna mała dziewczynka próbowała wszystkiego, co przyszło jej do głowy, aż wcisnęła czerwony przycisk, słodki piesek wyskoczył, a ona piszczała z zachwytu Tak troje maluchów z identycznymi plastikowymi zabawkami, ale z bardzo różnymi reakcjami na porażkę. The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button. Первые два малыша прекрасно умели нажимать на красную кнопку. The only thing that prevented them from succeeding was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not. Lo único que les impidió tener éxito fue que su mente los engañó haciéndoles creer que no podían. Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time. Ahora, los adultos también son engañados de esta manera, todo el tiempo. In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks. De hecho, todos tenemos un conjunto predeterminado de sentimientos y creencias que se activan cada vez que nos encontramos con frustraciones y contratiempos. En fait, nous avons tous un ensemble de sentiments et de croyances par défaut qui se déclenchent chaque fois que nous rencontrons des frustrations et des revers.

8:54Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be. Necesitas ser. Because if your mind tries to convince you you’re incapable of something and you believe it, then like those two toddlers, you’ll begin to feel helpless and you’ll stop trying too soon, or you won’t even try at all. Porque si tu mente trata de convencerte de que eres incapaz de algo y lo crees, entonces, como esos dos niños pequeños, comenzarás a sentirte indefenso y dejarás de intentarlo demasiado pronto, o incluso no lo intentarás. . And then you’ll be even more convinced you can’t succeed. Y entonces estarás aún más convencido de que no puedes tener éxito. You see, that’s why so many people function below their actual potential.Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure convinced them that they couldn’t succeed, and they believed it Verá, esa es la razón por la que tantas personas funcionan por debajo de su potencial real. Debido a que en algún momento del camino, a veces un solo fracaso los convenció de que no podían tener éxito, y lo creyeron

9:26Once we become convinced of something, it’s very difficult to change our mind. 9: 26Una vez que nos convencemos de algo, es muy difícil cambiar de opinión. I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother. Aprendí esa lección de la manera más difícil cuando era adolescente con mi hermano. We were driving with friends down a dark road at night,when a police car stopped us. There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects.The officer approached the car, and he shined his flashlight on the driver, then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me. Hubo un robo en el área y estaban buscando sospechosos. El oficial se acercó al auto, y alzó su linterna al conductor, luego a mi hermano en el asiento delantero y luego a mí. Il y avait eu un vol dans le secteur et ils cherchaient des suspects. L'officier s'est approché de la voiture et il a braqué sa lampe de poche sur le conducteur, puis sur mon frère sur le siège avant, puis sur moi. And his eyes opened wide and he said, "Where have I seen your face before? Y abrió mucho los ojos y dijo: "¿Dónde he visto tu cara antes? "(Laughter) And I said, "In the front seat. "(Risas) Y dije," En el asiento delantero. " (Laughter) But that made no sense to him whatsoever. "(Risas) Pero eso no tenía sentido para él en absoluto. "(Rires) Mais cela n'avait aucun sens pour lui. (Смех) Но это не имело для него никакого смысла. So now he thought I was on drugs. Así que ahora él pensaba que yo estaba en las drogas. Il pensait donc que j'étais droguée. (Laughter) So he drags me out of the car, he searches me, he marches me over to the police car, and only when he verified I didn’t have a police record, could I show him I had a twin in the front seat. (Risas) Así que me arrastra fuera del auto, me busca, me marcha hacia el auto de la policía, y solo cuando verificó que no tenía un registro policial, podría mostrarle que tenía una gemela en el frente. asiento. (Rires) Il me sort de la voiture, me fouille, m'emmène vers la voiture de police et ce n'est que lorsqu'il a vérifié que je n'avais pas de casier judiciaire que j'ai pu lui montrer que j'avais un jumeau sur le siège avant. (Смех) Он вытаскивает меня из машины, обыскивает, ведет к полицейской машине, и только когда он убедится, что у меня нет полицейского досье, я могу показать ему, что у меня впереди близнец. сиденье. But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face he was convinced that I was getting away with something Pero incluso mientras nos alejábamos, podías ver por la expresión de su cara que estaba convencido de que me estaba escapando con algo. Mais même lorsque nous sommes partis, on pouvait lire sur son visage qu'il était convaincu que j'étais en train de m'enfuir avec quelque chose Но даже когда мы уезжали, по выражению его лица было видно, что он был уверен, что мне что-то сходит с рук.

10:33Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced. 10: 33 Nuestra mente es difícil de cambiar una vez que nos convencemos. So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail. Por lo tanto, podría ser muy natural sentirse desmoralizado y derrotado después de que fracases. Naturalne jest więc, że po porażce czujemy się zdemoralizowani i pokonani. But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can’t succeed. Pero no puedes permitirte convencerte de que no puedes tener éxito. You have to fight feelings of helplessness. Tienes que luchar contra los sentimientos de impotencia. Vous devez combattre les sentiments d'impuissance. You have to gain control over the situation. Вы должны получить контроль над ситуацией. And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins. Y tienes que romper este tipo de ciclo negativo antes de que comience. Our minds and our feelings, they’re not the trustworthy friends we thought they were. Nuestras mentes y nuestros sentimientos, no son los amigos de confianza que creíamos que eran. They are more like a really moody friend, who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next. Son más como un amigo realmente malhumorado, que puede ser totalmente de apoyo en un minuto, y realmente desagradable al siguiente. Ils ressemblent plus à un ami vraiment maussade, qui peut être totalement solidaire une minute, et vraiment désagréable la suivante. I once worked with this woman who after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce, was finally ready for her first date. Una vez trabajé con esta mujer que después de 20 años de matrimonio y un divorcio extremadamente feo, finalmente estaba lista para su primera cita. She had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful, and most importantly, he seemed really into her So she was very excited, she bought a new dress, and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink. Ella había conocido a este tipo en línea, y él parecía agradable y parecía exitoso, y lo más importante, parecía realmente interesado en ella. Estaba muy emocionada, compró un vestido nuevo y se conocieron en un bar exclusivo de Nueva York para tomar una copa. . Elle avait rencontré ce type en ligne, et il avait l'air sympa, il avait l'air d'avoir du succès, et surtout, il avait l'air de vraiment l'aimer. Elle était donc très excitée, elle a acheté une nouvelle robe, et ils se sont retrouvés dans un bar huppé de New York pour boire un verre. Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, "I’m not interested," and walks out. Diez minutos después de la fecha, el hombre se pone de pie y dice: "No estoy interesado", y se marcha. Rejection is extremely painful. The woman was so hurt she couldn’t move. La mujer estaba tan herida que no podía moverse. All she could do was call a friend. Todo lo que podía hacer era llamar a un amigo. Here’s what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect? Voici ce que l'ami a répondu : "Eh bien, à quoi t'attends-tu ? You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say,why would a handsome, successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you? Tienes grandes caderas, no tienes nada interesante que decir, ¿por qué un hombre así de guapo y exitoso saldría con un perdedor como tú? Tu as de grosses hanches, tu n'as rien d'intéressant à dire, pourquoi un homme beau et prospère comme lui sortirait-il avec une perdante comme toi ? " Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel? "Sorprendente, ¿verdad, que un amigo pueda ser tan cruel? But it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn’t the friend who said that. Pero sería mucho menos impactante si te dijera que no fue el amigo quien dijo eso. It’s what the woman said to herself. Es lo que la mujer se dijo a sí misma. And that’s something we all do, especially after a rejection. Y eso es algo que todos hacemos, especialmente después de un rechazo. We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings, what we wish we were, what we wish we weren’t, we call ourselves names. Todos comenzamos a pensar en todas nuestras fallas y todos nuestros defectos, lo que deseamos ser, lo que deseamos no ser, nos llamamos nombres. Nous commençons tous à penser à nos défauts et à nos lacunes, à ce que nous aimerions être, à ce que nous aimerions ne pas être, nous nous traitons de tous les noms. Wszyscy zaczynamy myśleć o wszystkich naszych wadach i niedociągnięciach, o tym, kim chcielibyśmy być, a kim nie, nazywamy siebie imionami. Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it And it’s interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting. Quizás no tan severamente, pero todos lo hacemos Y es interesante que lo hagamos, porque nuestra autoestima ya está sufriendo. Why would we want to go and damage it even further? ¿Por qué querríamos ir y dañarlo aún más? Pourquoi voudrions-nous l'endommager davantage ? Dlaczego mielibyśmy chcieć go jeszcze bardziej uszkodzić? We wouldn’t make a physical injury worse on purpose. No haríamos una lesión física peor a propósito. Мы бы не стали намеренно усугублять физическую травму. You wouldn’t get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh, I know! No te cortarías el brazo y decidirías: "¡Oh, lo sé! I’m going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it. " 12:51But we do that with psychological injuries all the time. "12: 51Pero lo hacemos con lesiones psicológicas todo el tiempo. Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.Because we don’t prioritize our psychological health. Debido a la mala higiene emocional. Porque no priorizamos nuestra salud psicológica. We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower, you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety, that failures and rejections hurt more and it takes longer to recover from them. So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp. Entonces, cuando te rechacen, lo primero que deberías hacer es revivir tu autoestima, no unirte al Club de Lucha y derrotarlo. Ainsi, lorsque vous êtes rejeté, la première chose à faire est de raviver votre estime de soi, de ne pas rejoindre Fight Club et de le battre en pâte. When you’re in emotional pain, treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend. We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them

One of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. Eine der ungesündesten und häufigsten ist das sogenannte Grübeln. Una de las más insanas y comunes es la llamada rumiación. La rumination est l'une des plus malsaines et des plus courantes. To ruminate means to chew over. It’s when your boss yells at you, or your professor makes you feel stupid in class, or you have big fight with a friend and you just can’t stop replaying the scene in your head for days, sometimes for weeks on end. C'est quand votre patron vous crie dessus, ou votre professeur vous fait vous sentir stupide en classe, ou vous vous disputez avec un ami et vous ne pouvez tout simplement pas arrêter de rejouer la scène dans votre tête pendant des jours, parfois des semaines. Ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, and it’s a very costly one. Es kann leicht zur Gewohnheit werden, auf diese Weise über beunruhigende Ereignisse zu grübeln, und das ist sehr kostspielig. Reflexionar sobre los eventos perturbadores de esta manera puede convertirse fácilmente en un hábito, y es muy costoso. Because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts, you are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and even cardiovascular disease. Debido a que al dedicar tanto tiempo a los pensamientos negativos y perturbadores, en realidad se está poniendo en un riesgo significativo de desarrollar depresión clínica, alcoholismo, trastornos de la alimentación e incluso enfermedades cardiovasculares.

14:21The problem is the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, so it’s a difficult habit to stop. 14: 21El problema es que la necesidad de rumiar puede sentirse realmente fuerte y realmente importante, por lo que es un hábito difícil de detener. 14:21 Le problème, c'est que l'envie de ruminer peut sembler très forte et très importante, et qu'il est donc difficile de se débarrasser de cette habitude. I know this for a fact, because a little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself. Sé esto a ciencia cierta, porque hace poco más de un año, yo mismo desarrollé el hábito. You see, my twin brother was diagnosed with stage III non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Verá, a mi hermano gemelo le diagnosticaron linfoma no Hodgkin en estadio III. Mon frère jumeau s'est vu diagnostiquer un lymphome non hodgkinien de stade III. His cancer was extremly aggressive.He had visible tumors all over his body. And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy. And I couldn’t stop thinking about what he was going through. Y no podía dejar de pensar en lo que estaba pasando. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much he was suffering, even though he never complained, not once. He had this incredibly positive attitude. His psychological health was amazing. I was physically healthy, but psychologically I was a mess. But I knew what to do. Pero yo sabía qué hacer. Studies tell us that even a two-minute distraction is sufficient to break the urge to ruminate in that moment. And so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought, I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed. And within one week, my whole outlook changed and became more positive and more hopeful Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan, and I was by his side when he got the results. Y dentro de una semana, mi perspectiva general cambió y se volvió más positiva y más esperanzadora. Nueve semanas después de que comenzó la quimioterapia, mi hermano se hizo una tomografía computarizada y yo estaba a su lado cuando recibió los resultados. Neuf semaines après le début de la chimiothérapie, mon frère a passé un scanner et j'étais à ses côtés lorsqu'il a reçu les résultats. All the tumors were gone. He still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go, but we knew he would recover. This picture was taken two weeks ago. Esta foto fue tomada hace dos semanas.

16:04By taking action when you’re lonely, by changing your responses to failure, by protecting your self-esteem, by battling negative thinking, you won’t just heal your psychological wounds, you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive. 16: 04 Al actuar cuando te sientes solo, cambiando tus respuestas al fracaso, protegiendo tu autoestima, luchando contra el pensamiento negativo, no solo curarás tus heridas psicológicas, aumentarás la resiliencia emocional, prosperarás. A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades. I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene. Creo que nuestra calidad de vida podría aumentar tan dramáticamente si todos comenzamos a practicar la higiene emocional.

16:42Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was psychologically healthier? 16: 42¿Puedes imaginarte cómo sería el mundo si todos fueran psicológicamente más sanos? If there were less loneliness and less depression? ¿Si hubiera menos soledad y menos depresión? If people knew how to overcome failure? If they felt better about themselves and more empowered? ¿Si se sintieran mejor con ellos mismos y más empoderados? Si elles se sentaient mieux dans leur peau et plus autonomes ? If they were happier and more fulfilled? ¿Si fueran más felices y más satisfechos? S'ils étaient plus heureux et plus épanouis? I can, because that’s the world I want to live in, and that’s the world my brother wants to live in as well. And if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, well, that’s the world we can all live in. Y si simplemente te informas y cambias algunos hábitos simples, bueno, ese es el mundo en el que todos podemos vivir. Et s'il suffit de s'informer et de changer quelques habitudes simples, c'est le monde dans lequel nous pouvons tous vivre.

17:17Thank you very much

17:19 (Applause)