George Carlin - Suicide
Do you realise, do you realise that right this second, right now, somewhere around the world, some guy is getting ready to kill himself.
Isn't that great? Isn't that great? Do you ever stop and think about that kind of shit? I do. It's fun. And it's interesting and it's true! Right this second, some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka. Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. A million. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds. [checks his watch] There goes another guy! And I say guy, because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals want to be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your own lives in greater numbers.But I just think it's interesting to know. Interesting – that's a big word in this show for me. Interesting to know that at any moment the odds are good that some guy is dragging a chair across the garage floor, trying to get it right underneath the ceiling beam. Don't want to be too far off center, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. Somewhere else another guy is going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. Somebody else is opening up a brand new package of razor blades. Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit. Ah shit, it's always something. God damn it! I just think that's interesting as hell. That's probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life – end it! I think I couldn't do it though, could you? I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. But I understand it, I think I do. I don't wonder about it, I don't wonder why did he do that or what was going through his mind. You know what I wonder? Where do you find the fucking time? Who's got time to be commiting suicide, aren't you busy? I got shit to do. Suicide would be way down on my list. Probably dpwn past lighting my own house on fire. I might want to try a little self-mutilation first, take a couple of hunks out of my arm, see if I like the general idea. Because you have got to have priorities. You have got to have a plan too, you have got to plan that shit. People don't just run out a house and jump off a bridge. There are things you have to decide. Timing is important. When you are going to do it? Well, let me see now. Wednesday is out – gotta take Timmy to the circus. Survival's on on Thursday. Friday I've got my colon cleansing. Folks are coming over on Sunday. Sunday… My god that would be just a thing, maybe Mumma will find my body, will serve her right for fucking me up the way she did. Then you have to pick a method. How are you going to do it? Well, let me see now, afraid of heights – that's no good, can't swallow pills, don't like the sight of blood, fucking oven's electric, I'd lie down in front of a train except the damn thing hasn't come through here in thirty god-damn years. Maybe I'll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth. Suppose I miss. People would be laughing at me. Suppose I live – I have big fucking hole in my head. I have to wear some kind of a dumb-ass hat. Well… I guess I can always hang myself, that would good. Have to get a rope, shit, it's always something. I've got a rope in the garage… Nah, it has got a lot of grease and paint on it, don't want to get that stuff on my neck. Walmart is having a special on ropes this weekend. No sense to spend a lot of money on killing myself. Then again I can always put it on my credit card and never going to have to pay the fucking thing. That's it then, I'm hanging myself and Walmart's paying for it. What's next? A note. Oh jesus. Have to express myself. Hell, if I could express myself, I wouldn't be thinking on doing something like this. Where's the pen? You never find a pen. Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone. God damn kids…Why don't I just kill them too? Make it one of them family package deals. Ah, here's a pen. Why don't I just jam it in my fucking neck and get it over with? Let's see now, where do you put the date? Upper left? I can never remember that. “To whom it may concern…” Ah, sounds kind of impersonal. “Dear Marcelle..”, ah, leaves out the kids. I know! “Hey guys, guess what! Keep on reading! How are you, I hope you are fine. I am not fine! As you can no doubt tell from me hanging down the ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you're happy now that I'm god-damn dead. Signed: the corpse in this room. PS: Fuck you people!” That would be a good note. I don't think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you? A writer would be too busy on working on the note the whole God damn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending, finally would turn into a book proposal and have a reason to live. That wouldn't work.I think about stuff like that. It's interesting to be, like I said. Certain things are interesting. Suicide's interesting. Life is filled with interesting things. That's why I could never commit suicide – I'm having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks. Watching what you do.Human behaviour – that's what I like