George Carlin - Fat People
People are fucking dumb.You can say what you want about this country and I love this place.
I love the freedoms we used to have. I love that. I love it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophy to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we're on camera all the time, from all angles. But you know, you can say what you want about America and I say I love this place. I wouldn't have it any other way, live in any other time in history or any other place. BUT! Say what you want about America, land of the free, home of the brave, we've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around in this country. *Dumb-ass motherfuckers*.Now, obviously that doesn't include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive. But the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. And this isn't just ranting and raving. This isn't just blowing off steam. I've got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me, *seems* to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited. Well actually we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians, but hey, it was nice when we stole it. Looked pretty good, it was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It's fucking embarrasing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today – a shopping mall. A big fucking shopping mall. You know that, that's all you've got here, folks. Mile after mile after mile of malls after malls. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini malls, they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts, you got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, laundry mats, cheap motels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do people feel about living in a coast to coast shopping mall? Well they think it's JUST FUCKING DANDY!They think it is as cool as can be, because Americans love the mall. That's where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions, at the same time – shopping and eating. Millions of semi-conscious Americans, day after day, shuffling through the malls, shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans *love* to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple-baconed cheese-burgers, deep fried butter-dipped pork, fat and cheese-whiz mayonnaise, soak-barbequed mozarella patty mouths. Americans will eat anything. Anything! If you were selling sortayed raccoon's assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salt on them. This country is big time pig-time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A big bowl, because everything in this country is king-sized, extra-large and super-jumbo.Especially the fucking people. Have you seen some of the people of this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big fat motherfuckers walking around, big fat motherfuckers. Oh my god, huge piles of redundant protoplasm, lumbering through the malls, like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstreous thighs. And big fat fucking asses. And if you stand there a minute and look at one of them, you begin to wonder: how does this woman take shit. How does she shit? And even more frightening: how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her, of course, with a plate full of nachos, a mouth full of pies, her clueless fucking husband Joe Sixpack, with his montreous swallen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his beer belt buckle. This guy hasn't seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and look at the two of them you begin to wonder to yourself: do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn't seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they're in that Cirque du Soleil or something.I'm telling you, the people in this country, every one of them, is fifty pounds over-weight. They are gargantuan. And in the summer time, God help us, in the summer time they all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, protector of all that is good and holy, deliver me from fat people their short pants. They've all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has two dumb ass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt: „ I'm with stupid“ . Apparently, in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts, every one of them families have got on a backpack, strapped to their back, so that they could carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they need to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They haven't got enough stupid shit at home, they just had a stupid shit sale and they are going to buy more.They are going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into their big fat ugly oversized SUV, that's got plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big fat ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping of course for jelly roll and fried dough.These people. These people are efficient professional compulsive consumers. They think of that as their national pride. It's their civic duty. Consumption. It's the new national pasttime. Fuck baseball, it's consumption. The only true lasting American value that's left. Buying things. People spending money they don't have on things they don't need. Money they don't have on things they don't need. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18% on something that only costs 12.50. And they didn't like it when they got it home, anyway. Not too bright, folks, not too fucking bright.But if you talk to one of them about this, if you isolate one of them, you sit him down, rationally, you talk to him about the low IQ's and the dumb behaviour and the bad decisions, right away they start talking about education. That's the big answer to everything. Education. They say we need more money for education, we need more books, more teachers, more classrooms, more schools, we need more testing for the kids. You say to one of them: well, you know, we've tried all of that and the kids still can't pass the tests. Ah don't you worry about that, we're going to lower the passing grades . And that's what they do in a lot of these schools, they lower the passing grades, so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody is happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil, get the fuck in there, it's physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. Education! Politicians know that word. They use it on you.Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things: the Flag, the Bible and Children. No child left behind! No child left behind! Oh really? It wasn't long ago that you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start? Left behind? Someone's losing fucking ground here.