S1E1 (4)
Speaker 1
You are coming tonight, aren't you? Of course I am. Good, cos genuinely I might need backup.They started on you again. People are messaging the club saying that they shouldn't book me.
What?It's like you can't even say the word religion now without somebody taking offence. The stuff isn't even that controversial. The stuff that is, is written by you.
Speaker 10
Yeah.
Speaker 1
Are you sure you just don't want to get up there?
Speaker 10
Look, I will sit in the audience and confuse everybody by laughing loudly each time you mention Muslims.
Speaker 3
There you go. Thank you. So what happened to your hand?
Speaker 2
Oh, nothing, I burned it on a grill.
Speaker 3
Or is there a flash box in the grill?
Speaker 2
Alright, yes, I tried to open a flash box without the code. Stupid thing to do.
Speaker 3
Have you had it seen to?
Speaker 2
No, no, it's fine, it's nothing to worry about. What was in the box? A laptop.With files taken from Robert Hopden.
Speaker 3
Anyone know you pulled his stunt? No, no. Good, good, keep it that way.
Speaker 2
Yes. It's just strange, it's just, it's not the usual crap they get you to do there in Slough House. It's...I mean, the park are on it. They're on Hopden.
Speaker 3
Why?
Speaker 2
I don't know, that's what I was trying to find out. And I was hoping that you could just tell me.
Speaker 3
Yeah, well... Hopden had had a run-in with MI5 before. He was a communist in his youth.Then he changed sides. One nation Tory. Star columnist.Then the loathsome drift to the far right.
His career ended when his name appeared on a leaked list of donors to the British Patriotic Party. Hopden always claimed that it was MI5 that leaked the list.Can't comment. But if we didn't do it, we should have done. Can't have fascists hiding in plain sight.
Speaker 2
I mean, he's no one, he's, he's... The man's a has-been, I just don't understand why they even bother looking at him. I've told you all I know.
Speaker 3
And you should stay out of it. And if the park are looking at him, there'll be a good reason. And if they're using Slough House to do it, it means they don't want blowback.Which puts you at risk. You understand? And remember.
Speaker 2
Moscow rules, watch your back. London rules, cover your arse. Very good.
Speaker 1
How come every picture of Jesus has him looking like a millennial gap year student? He's got everything, right? He's got the, like, sort of hipster long hair, the beard, the sandals.He looks like a sort of 35-year-old man who still thinks the band is going to make it big. So, Jesus, Buddha and Allah walk into a pub.
And the mood goes like that.Like this, actually. And they go to the bar. They order drinks.Tap water for Jesus, cos, you know, he can turn that into wine for free. Diet Coke for Buddha, because he's watching his weight.
And alcohol-free beer for Allah.And... Really? Don't worry about them, guys.Don't worry. Just treat them like an STD. If you ignore them, they'll probably go away.And let me tell you, they had a lovely time.
They really did. Obviously, they stayed out all night.Jesus got crucified and wasn't seen for three days.
Speaker 10
Absolutely killed it tonight. That was the best I've ever seen you.
Speaker 1
Hey, you were great. Oh, thank you. Hey, you were great.You were so relaxed as well. The strongest material, though, is your Jesus, Buddha and Allah walk into a pub.
You leaned to get up there.So, are you heading for the nine o'clock tomorrow? You gonna be in? Nine o'clock?No. No.
Speaker 6
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Speaker 7
Roddy, can you check something for me? Not on the clock yet. I need to pay my private rate.
Speaker 6
Yep.
Speaker 2
Just tell me what it is I'm looking at on there.
Speaker 10
Don't touch that. All right.
Speaker 7
This is Pi. Is that a code? No, it's Pi running to an infinite number of places.
Speaker 2
Is there anything else behind it? Any other files on the stick? Anything?No. Where'd you get it?
Speaker 7
Hobden.
Speaker 8
You copied the files?
Speaker 2
You'd only know that if you'd looked at it yourself.
Speaker 8
Well, at least I didn't need her to tell me it was Pi.
Speaker 7
Everybody needs me. I just don't know it. Seems like he used it as a decoy.He was expecting a snatch. Cool cat. Thanks, Roddy.Very helpful.
Speaker 2
Why would he be expecting a snatch?
Speaker 8
I don't know. What do you think the park will do if they find out you've opened a flash box?
Speaker 2
Yeah, well, they're not gonna find out, are they?
Speaker 8
Did it hurt? No. Wow.Fuck! Jesus Christ, Sid. Look, I know you landed here with a bump.Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2
I've still got whiplash.
Speaker 8
Well, if you want to do something useful, you can get rid of the stinking rubbish that's still in our office.
Speaker 2
Yeah, but I want to actually be properly useful, Sid, don't you? Do something. I mean, it...I could not be more bored if I tried, Sid. And I have actually tried. And if the park are looking at Hobden, then that means there is something finally happening here.Exactly. It's the park's business, not ours.
Speaker 12
Come on, Ryan. Come see this.
Speaker 9
Hostage.
Speaker 7
Is it live? Popped up on the Middle East chat feed a few hours ago. Me and you have just picked up on it.
Speaker 8
He's holding Stoves Express.
Speaker 7
Shit, he's being held here.
Speaker 9
Here in the heart of Britain. Recording first surfaced this morning on social media. And I think what we're living to now is leadership.
Speaker 13
Who's collating lists on recently active groups? I am, Mum. I wanted a breakdown of that half an hour ago.
Speaker 7
Home office, Mum.
Speaker 11
And obsession with multiculturalism. We don't stand up for our values. Which leads to this horrific situation where Muslim fundamentalists are bringing terror to our streets.And threatening to murder our citizens.
Speaker 10
I don't think we should be watching this. Why, the rest of the country is.
Speaker 8
Has anyone claimed responsibility yet? No, no, Mum.
Speaker 4
It'll be ISIS, won't it? Or one of their tribute groups. What the fuck's it got to do with you?Whatever's going on will be a job for the real agents. Not you fuck-ups. Yo, what's this?Looks like a walking stick. Maybe he's been snatched by the Ramblers Association.
Speaker 8
No, it's an axe.
Speaker 4
He's not white.
Speaker 8
That's why he's wearing gloves.
Speaker 4
Who's got all that? Could still be Islamist. He could be a non-believer.Maybe he's a squaddie.
Speaker 8
He doesn't look like a squaddie.
Speaker 4
No, he looks Pakistani, which to them means Muslim. To who? Well, you people are slows.Bringing you up to speed is like trying to explain Norway to a dog. It'll be right-wing nationalists.
That's who's got him.It's the sons of Albion who are taking credit. Christ, I hate being right. So what do we do then?What we always do here. Absolutely nothing.
Come on, back to your desks.Come on, all of you, out.
Speaker 2
Hobden.
Speaker 8
What?
Speaker 2
His whole crew was the British Patriotic Party.
Speaker 8
Yeah, but they split into factions.
Speaker 2
Yeah, but one of them might have something to do with this. Him too.
Speaker 9
Just, just leave him. Newsflash. You're going to want to check this out.Sunrise tomorrow, they say they're going to cut his head off. They're going to strike a blow for Britain.
Speaker 12
This changes nothing. Come on, out. You've all got papers to shuffle, so why are you still in this room?No, wait, all apologies. Answer me one simple question. Where the fuck is River Cartwright?
Speaker 5
Yes, a strange, strange game Strange, strange game You don't even know my real name It's a strange game You've got to carry the blame In this strange, strange game You're out on a limb trying hard to get in It's a strange game
