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George Carlin, George Carlin - Kids & Parents

George Carlin - Kids & Parents

Something else I'm getting tired of... there's all this stupid bullshit that we have to listen to all the time about children.

It's all you hear in this country... children, “help the children!” “what about the children?” “save the children!” You know what I say? Fuck the children! Fuck ‘em! They're getting entirely too much attention! And I know what you're thinking, you say “Jesus, he's not gonna attack children is he?” Yes he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I'm talking about! I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you're such fucking heroes aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you for your own good, your children are overrated and overvalued. You've turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it's not healthy! Don't give me that weak shit “well, I love my children!” Fuck you! Everybody loves their children, doesn't make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children... kept them all right out on the yard near the garage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that somehow, everything, EVERYTHING has to be revolved around children. It's completely out of balance.

Listen, there are a couple of things about kids that you have to remember. First of all, they're not all cute! Okay? In fact, if you look at them close, some of them are rather unpleasant-looking. And a lot of them don't smell too good either; the little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour milk combination or something. Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it, the better off you're gonna be. Second premise, not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people; a few winners, a whole lot of losers! There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren't going anywhere and you can't save them all, you can't save them all, you gotta let them go, you gotta cut them loose, you gotta stop overprotecting them cause you're making them too soft. Today's kids are way too soft. For one thing, there's too much emphasis on safety; child-proof medicine bottles and fireproof pyjamas, child restraints in car seats, and HELMETS! Bicycle, skateboard, baseball helmets! Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off! Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid just to save a few thousand lives. It's pathetic! It's pathetic! What's happening is- what's happening, you know what it is? These baby-boomers, these soft, fruity baby-boomers are raising an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren't even allowed to have hazardous toys for Christ's sakes! Hazardous toys, shit, whatever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his own! Simple as that! Simple! Nature! Nature knows best. We're saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from airbags and batting helmets! Just think of it as passive eugenics okay?

Now here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a school yard and kills 3 or 4 kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counsellors and psychiatrists and grief counsellors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit! When I was in school, someone came to our school and killed 3 or 4 of us; we went right on with our arithmetic! “35 classmates minus 4 equals 31.” We were tough... we were tough. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they ought to be able to handle the violence in school. I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waiting for? Guns in church. That's gonna be a lot of fun and it'll happen, you watch, some nut will go fucking ape-shit in a church and they'll refer to him as a “disgruntled worshipper.”

Here's another bunch of ignorant shit... school uniforms. Bad theory; the idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna get them to look alike too? And it's not a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand cause the narration was in German!

One more item about children and that is the superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen, kids don't smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to, they smoke for the same reasons adults do because it relieves anxiety and depression. And you'd be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these pathetic, insecure, striving, anal, yuppy parents who enrol you in college before you're old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the worst! And then they fill you full of riddle and then drag you all over town in search of meaningless structure; little league, club scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, water colors, witchcraft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. They even have play dates for Christ's sakes; playing is now done by appointment! Whatever happened to “you show me your wee-wee and I'll show you mine?” Hey, no wonder kids smoke; it helps... not as much as weed but hey, you can't have everything. You know it's true; parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day; all children should have three hours of daydreaming. Just daydreaming – you could use a little of it yourself by the way – just sit at the window, stare at the clouds, it's good for you. If you wanna know how you can help your children, leave them the fuck alone!

George Carlin - Kids & Parents George Carlin - Kids & Parents George Carlin - Niños y padres George Carlin - Dzieci i rodzice George Carlin - Çocuklar ve Ebeveynler 乔治卡林 - 孩子和父母 乔治·卡林 - 儿童与家长

Something else I’m getting tired of... there’s all this stupid bullshit that we have to listen to all the time about children. Something else I'm getting tired of... there's all this stupid bullshit that we have to listen to all the time about children. Benden sıkıldığım başka bir şey ... çocuklar hakkında her zaman dinlememiz gereken aptalca saçmalıklar var.

It’s all you hear in this country... children, “help the children!” “what about the children?” “save the children!” You know what I say? Bu ülkede duyduğunuz her şey ... çocuklar, “çocuklara yardım et!” “Çocuklar ne olacak?” “Çocukları kurtar!” Dediğimi biliyor musun? Fuck the children! До біса діти! Fuck ‘em! They’re getting entirely too much attention! Они получают слишком много внимания! Tamamen çok fazla dikkat çekiyorlar! And I know what you’re thinking, you say “Jesus, he’s not gonna attack children is he?” Yes he is! Ve ne düşündüğünü biliyorum, diyorsunuz ki “İsa, o çocuklara saldırmayacak mı?” Evet o! He’s going to attack children! Çocuklara saldıracak! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I’m talking about! En onthoud, dit is de heer Dirigent die spreekt; Ik weet waar ik het over heb! Ve unutma, bu Bay Conductor konuşuyor; Ne hakkında konuştuğumu biliyorum. І запам’ятайте, це говорить містер кондуктор; Я знаю про що говорю! I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you’re such fucking heroes aren’t gonna like this, but somebody’s gotta tell you for your own good, your children are overrated and overvalued. So anche che questo non piacerà a tutti i papà single e alle mamme calciatrici che si credono dei fottuti eroi, ma qualcuno deve dirvi, per il vostro bene, che i vostri figli sono sopravvalutati e sopravvalutanti. Я также знаю, что всем вам, одиноким папам и футбольным мамочкам, которые думают, что вы такие чертовы герои, это не понравится, но кто-то должен сказать вам ради вашего же блага, что ваших детей переоценивают и недооценивают. Я також знаю, що всім вам, батькам-одинакам і мамам-футболісткам, які думають, що ви такі довбані герої, це не сподобається, але хтось має сказати вам, для вашого блага, ваших дітей переоцінюють і переоцінюють. You’ve turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy! Li avete trasformati in piccoli oggetti di culto, avete un feticismo per i bambini, e non è sano! Je hebt er kleine cultobjecten van gemaakt, je hebt een kinderfetisj en het is niet gezond! Don’t give me that weak shit “well, I love my children!” Fuck you! Everybody loves their children, doesn’t make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children... kept them all right out on the yard near the garage. John Wayne Gacy mylėjo savo vaikus ... laikė juos visus kieme prie garažo. Джон Вейн Гейсі любив своїх дітей... тримав їх усіх прямо на подвір’ї біля гаража. That’s not what I’m talking about. Apie tai aš nekalbu. What I’m talking about is this constant mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that somehow, everything, EVERYTHING has to be revolved around children. Quello di cui parlo è questo continuo blaterare senza cervello da parte dei media, questa fissazione nevrotica che in qualche modo, tutto, TUTTO deve ruotare intorno ai bambini. Tai, apie ką aš kalbu, yra tas nuolatinis be proto šaudymas žiniasklaidoje, tas neurotinis fiksavimas, kad viskas, viskas, viskas turi būti sukama aplink vaikus. Я говорю про це постійне безглузде балакання в ЗМІ, цю невротичну фіксацію, що якимось чином все, ВСЕ має обертатися навколо дітей. It’s completely out of balance. Tai visiškai iš pusiausvyros. Це повністю виведено з рівноваги.

Listen, there are a couple of things about kids that you have to remember. First of all, they’re not all cute! Okay? In fact, if you look at them close, some of them are rather unpleasant-looking. Tiesą sakant, jei pažvelgsite į juos iš arti, kai kurie iš jų atrodys gana nemaloniai. And a lot of them don’t smell too good either; the little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour milk combination or something. Ir daugelis jų taip pat neturi labai kvapo; ypač atrodo, kad mažieji turi tam tikrą šlapimo ir rūgštaus pieno derinį ar panašiai. І багато з них також не дуже добре пахнуть; зокрема у маленьких, здається, щось на кшталт поєднання сечі та кислого молока чи щось таке. Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it, the better off you’re gonna be. Likite su manimi tuo, kuo anksčiau su tuo susidursite, tuo geriau būsite. Second premise, not all children are smart and clever. По-друге, не всі діти розумні та кмітливі. Got that? Supratau? Kids are like any other group of people; a few winners, a whole lot of losers! Vaikai yra kaip ir bet kuri kita žmonių grupė; keletas nugalėtojų, daugybė pralaimėjusiųjų! There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren’t going anywhere and you can’t save them all, you can’t save them all, you gotta let them go, you gotta cut them loose, you gotta stop overprotecting them cause you’re making them too soft. Есть много детей-неудачников, которые просто никуда не идут, и вы не можете спасти их всех, вы не можете спасти их всех, вы должны отпустить их, вы должны отпустить их, вы должны перестать их чрезмерно защищать, потому что вы делаете их слишком мягкими. Today’s kids are way too soft. Šiandieniniai vaikai yra per daug minkšti. Современные дети слишком мягкие. For one thing, there’s too much emphasis on safety; child-proof medicine bottles and fireproof pyjamas, child restraints in car seats, and HELMETS! Per prima cosa, c'è troppa enfasi sulla sicurezza: flaconi di medicinali a prova di bambino e pigiami ignifughi, sistemi di ritenuta per i bambini nei seggiolini auto ed elmetti! Viena vertus, per daug pabrėžiama sauga; vaikų neatidaromų vaistų butelius ir ugniai atsparias pižamas, vaikų apsaugos priemones automobilinėse kėdutėse ir APSAUGOS! З одного боку, забагато уваги приділяється безпеці; захищені від дітей флакони з ліками та вогнетривкі піжами, дитячі фіксатори в автокріслах та ШОЛОМИ! Bicycle, skateboard, baseball helmets! Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off! Vaikai dabar turi nešioti šalmus viskam, išskyrus trūkčiojimą! Дети теперь должны носить шлемы для всего, кроме дрочки! Діти тепер повинні носити шоломи для всього, крім дрочити! Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid just to save a few thousand lives. Взрослые лишили детство всего удовольствия, чтобы спасти несколько тысяч жизней. It’s pathetic! Це жалюгідно! It’s pathetic! What’s happening is- what’s happening, you know what it is? These baby-boomers, these soft, fruity baby-boomers are raising an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t even allowed to have hazardous toys for Christ’s sakes! Эти бэби-бумеры, эти мягкие, фруктовые бэби-бумеры воспитывают целое поколение мягких, фруктовых детей, которым даже не разрешается иметь опасные игрушки, ради всего святого! Ці бебі-бумери, ці м’які, фруктові бебі-бумери виховують ціле покоління м’яких, фруктових дітей, яким заборонено навіть мати небезпечні іграшки, заради Бога! Hazardous toys, shit, whatever happened to natural selection? Опасные игрушки, черт, что случилось с естественным отбором? Survival of the fittest? Природний відбір? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own! Дитина, яка ковтає занадто багато кульок, не виростає і не матиме власних дітей! Simple as that! Все просто! Simple! Nature! Nature knows best. We’re saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from airbags and batting helmets! Слід дозволити природі виконувати свою роботу по вбивству слабких, хворих і неосвічених людей без втручання подушок безпеки та шоломів! Just think of it as passive eugenics okay? Просто подумайте про це як про пасивну євгеніку, добре?

Now here’s another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a school yard and kills 3 or 4 kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counsellors and psychiatrists and grief counsellors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Ви коли-небудь помічали в телевізійних новинах щоразу, коли якийсь хлопець з АК-47 заходить на шкільне подвір’я та вбиває 3-4 дітей і пару вчителів, наступного дня, наступного дня школа переповнена консультантами та психіатрами а консультанти з питань горя та травматологи намагаються допомогти дітям впоратися? Shit! When I was in school, someone came to our school and killed 3 or 4 of us; we went right on with our arithmetic! Коли я був у школі, хтось прийшов до нашої школи і вбив 3-4 з нас; ми продовжили нашу арифметику! “35 classmates minus 4 equals 31.” We were tough... we were tough. «35 однокласників мінус 4 дорівнює 31». Ми були жорсткі... ми були жорсткі. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they ought to be able to handle the violence in school. I’m not worried about guns in school. You know what I’m waiting for? Guns in church. That’s gonna be a lot of fun and it’ll happen, you watch, some nut will go fucking ape-shit in a church and they’ll refer to him as a “disgruntled worshipper.” Це буде дуже весело, і це трапиться, дивіться, якийсь божевільний буде дурити в церкві, і вони будуть називати його «незадоволеним поклонником».

Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit... school uniforms. Ось ще купа неосвіченого лайна... шкільна форма. Bad theory; the idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they’re gonna get them to look alike too? Dabar jie privers juos atrodyti panašiai? And it’s not a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand cause the narration was in German! І це не нова ідея; Я вперше побачив це в старих кінохроніках 1930-х років, але це було важко зрозуміти, тому що оповідь була німецькою!

One more item about children and that is the superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Ще один пункт про дітей, і це забобони, які звинувачують тютюнові компанії в тому, що діти палять. Listen, kids don’t smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to, they smoke for the same reasons adults do because it relieves anxiety and depression. Слухайте, діти не курять, тому що їм каже верблюд у темних окулярах, вони курять з тих же причин, що й дорослі, бо це знімає тривогу та депресію. And you’d be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these pathetic, insecure, striving, anal, yuppy parents who enrol you in college before you’re old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the worst! І ви б теж були стурбовані та пригнічені, якби вам довелося миритися з цими жалюгідними, невпевненими в собі, сварливими, анальними, поганими батьками, які записують вас до коледжу, перш ніж ви достатньо дорослі, щоб зрозуміти, з якого боку манежу пахне найгірше! And then they fill you full of riddle and then drag you all over town in search of meaningless structure; little league, club scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, water colors, witchcraft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. Ve sonra sizi bilmecelerle doldurup anlamsız bir yapı arayışında şehrin dört bir yanına sürüklüyorlar; küçükler ligi, izcilik kulübü, yüzme, futbol, karate, piyano, gayda, su boyaları, büyücülük, cam üfleme ve dildo çalışması. А потім вони наповнюють вас загадками, а потім тягнуть вас по всьому місту в пошуках безглуздої споруди; маленька ліга, клуб скаутів, плавання, футбол, карате, фортепіано, волинка, акварелі, чаклунство, видування скла та практика фалоімітатора. They even have play dates for Christ’s sakes; playing is now done by appointment! Ради всего святого, у них даже есть свидания; игра теперь осуществляется по предварительной записи! У них навіть є дати для гри, ради бога; Гра зараз відбувається за попереднім записом! Whatever happened to “you show me your wee-wee and I’ll show you mine?” Hey, no wonder kids smoke; it helps... not as much as weed but hey, you can’t have everything. Що б не трапилося з «ти покажи мені свою пі-пі, а я покажу тобі свою?» Гей, не дивно, що діти курять; це допомагає... не так сильно, як трава, але привіт, ви не можете мати все. You know it’s true; parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day; all children should have three hours of daydreaming. Я думаю кожен день; всі діти повинні мати три години мріяти. Just daydreaming – you could use a little of it yourself by the way – just sit at the window, stare at the clouds, it’s good for you. If you wanna know how you can help your children, leave them the fuck alone!