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George Carlin, George Carlin - Fear of Germs

George Carlin - Fear of Germs

What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs... there's another thing... germs.

Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media, constantly running stories about all the latest infections – salmonella, e-coli, hanta virus, bird flu – and Americans, they panic easily so now everybody's running around, scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! It's true! Yeah! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! And you could see their point; wouldn't want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. Fear of germs... why these fucking pussies! You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore! They cook the shit out of everything now cause everybody's afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where's your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance will you? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 9000... that's all; it's a minor risk! Take a fucking chance... bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice... it needs germs to practice on. So listen! If you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what you're gonna do... you're gonna get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna deserve it cause you're fucking weak and you got a fucking weak immune system! Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay?

When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know... to cool off! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? In my neighbourhood, no one ever got polio! No one! Ever! You know why? Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit! So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don't shy away from people that sneeze and cough, I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it! Yes I do. Even if I'm at a sidewalk café! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year's morning during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behaviour, I never get infections, I don't get them, I don't get colds, I don't get flu, I don't get headaches, I don't get upset stomach, you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes, and we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don't fuck around!

They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There's no nonsense, there's no Miranda warning, there's none of that “three strikes and you're out” shit, first defense, BAM... into the colon you go! And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don't automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That's the only time. And you know how often that happens? Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean? And I'll tell you something else my well-scrubbed friends... you don't need to always need to shower every day, did you know that? It's overkill, unless you work out or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don't always need to shower. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas; armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. Got that? Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!


George Carlin - Fear of Germs George Carlin - Furcht vor Keimen George Carlin - Miedo a los gérmenes George Carlin - Medo de Germes Джордж Карлин - Страх перед микробами George Carlin - Mikrop Korkusu 喬治卡林 - 對細菌的恐懼

What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs... there’s another thing... germs. Зараз ми маємо повністю невротичне населення, одержиме безпекою, злочинністю, наркотиками, чистотою, гігієною та мікробами... є ще одна річ... мікроби.

Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media, constantly running stories about all the latest infections – salmonella, e-coli, hanta virus, bird flu – and Americans, they panic easily so now everybody’s running around, scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. Засоби масової інформації постійно публікують історії про всі останні інфекції – сальмонеллу, кишкову паличку, вірус ханта, пташиний грип – і американців, вони легко впадають у паніку, тож тепер усі бігають, миють те й обприскують те, переварюють їжу та постійно миють руки , намагаючись уникати будь-якого контакту з мікробами. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. Це смішно, і це доходить до смішних довжин. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! In gevangenissen, voordat ze u een dodelijke injectie geven, maken ze uw arm schoon met alcohol! У в'язниці перед тим, як зробити смертельну ін'єкцію, тобі протирають руку спиртом! It’s true! Yeah! Well, they don’t want you to get an infection! And you could see their point; wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. Fear of germs... why these fucking pussies! You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore! Ви навіть більше не можете отримати пристойний гамбургер! They cook the shit out of everything now cause everybody’s afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where’s your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance will you? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 9000... that’s all; it’s a minor risk! Take a fucking chance... bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice... it needs germs to practice on. So listen! If you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do... you’re gonna get sick, you’re gonna die, and you’re gonna deserve it cause you’re fucking weak and you got a fucking weak immune system! Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay?

When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? Коли я був маленьким хлопчиком у Нью-Йорку в 1940-х роках, ми купалися в річці Гудзон, і вона була наповнена неочищеними стічними водами, добре? We swam in raw sewage! You know... to cool off! Знаєш... щоб охолонути! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? І в той час найбільшим страхом був поліомієліт; тисячі дітей помирали від поліомієліту щороку, але ви знаєте щось? In my neighbourhood, no one ever got polio! No one! Ever! You know why? Cause we swam in raw sewage! Тому що ми плавали в неочищених стічних водах! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit! Поліомієліт ніколи не мав молитви; нас загартували в сирому лайні! So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people that sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it! Yes I do. Even if I’m at a sidewalk café! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year’s morning during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behaviour, I never get infections, I don’t get them, I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach, you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes, and we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. Моя імунна система оснащена біологічним еквівалентом повністю автоматичних військових штурмових гвинтівок з нічним баченням і лазерними прицілами, і ми нещодавно придбали фосфорні гранати, касетні бомби та протипіхотні осколкові міни. So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don’t fuck around! Тож коли мої білі кров’яні тільця патрулюють розвідку, керуючи моїм кровотоком, шукаючи незнайомців та інших небажаних людей, якщо вони бачать БУДЬ-ЯКІ підозрілі на вигляд мікроби будь-якого роду, вони не сміються!

They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Вони вихоплюють зброю; вони натирають піску і вкладають нещасного хлопця прямо в мою кишку! Into my colon! There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warning, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” shit, first defense, BAM... into the colon you go! Немає жодних дурниць, немає попередження Міранди, немає жодного такого лайна «три удари, і ти вилетів», перший захист, БАМ... у товсту кишку! And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don’t automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That’s the only time. And you know how often that happens? Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! Топи, ТОПи, 2-3 рази на тиждень топи! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean? And I’ll tell you something else my well-scrubbed friends... you don’t need to always need to shower every day, did you know that? І я скажу вам ще дещо, мої добре вимиті друзі... вам не потрібно завжди щодня приймати душ, ви це знали? It’s overkill, unless you work out or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don’t always need to shower. Це надмірно, якщо ви не тренуєтеся, не працюєте на відкритому повітрі, або з якоїсь причини щодня не контактуєте з величезною кількістю бруду та сміття, вам не завжди потрібно приймати душ. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas; armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. Got that? Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!