Big Think, All Families Fight. Learn to Fight Smarter, with Bruce Feiler

All Families Fight. Learn to Fight Smarter, with Bruce Feiler

Let's talk about fighting.

All families fight. All families have conflict. Successful families actually limit it and move on to actually building positive memories. So how do you do that. I took a three day course from the folks at the Harvard Negotiation Project thinking they work with Israelis and Palestinians and general strikes and emerging markets – let's find out what they know to bring peace. And this changed a lot about how my wife and I fight. We used to have what I call a 742 fight every night. The kids would be down and we would talk about who's picking up the milk. Who's buying the tickets for vacation. And it would always just end in a muddle with my wife storming out of the room. And what I learned was a number of things.

First of all I changed when we have these conversations. Highest stress time in families is between six and eight at night. So 7:42 p.m., the worst time you can have one of these fights. So we no longer have difficult conversations during this period.

Second, I changed where we fight. I would be at my desk surrounded by my computer equipment, up high. My wife would be lower. She'd have her arms crossed, resentful. Turns out I was in the power position. So now when we have difficult conversations we sit at the same level. We actually – if we're having a really difficult conversation have moved to our bedroom to a bench that we have that's cushioned because research shows that if you're sitting on a cushioned bench you'll be more open. Alongside each other you'll be collaborative. Across from each other, more confrontational. The point is there's all these new ideas out there about reducing conflict so let's bring them into families.

Some may be right for your family, some may not but I'd be surprised if you couldn't fight smarter after reading some of these tips. For example, one thing – the worst thing you can say in a fight? Is it I? Is it we? Is it you? Or is it your mother? Your mother may not be great but you turns out to be the worst thing you can say in a fight. “You always do this.” “You never do that.” Speak about yourself. Speak about us as a couple. If you want to stop fighting, stop saying you. So let's talk about things that can go wrong in families.

Even if the adults are fighting smarter, the kids are probably getting into a lot of disputes. And they seem incredibly petty to parents. But the truth is even those petty discussions and, in my house, it can be socks. In your house it might be who's staying up later. It might be who's getting to sit in what chair. So here's what I've learned. A simple three-step process that can reduce sibling fighting. Number one, separate them.

They're in the middle of the conflict – separate them. Give everyone a chance to calm down and reflect a little – not only on what the other person did but on what they did. Step two – and this is the most important one. Have kids come up with two or three alternatives. Usually the first one is gonna be the one that they've come up with and they may stick to that for a few minutes.

But after a while they'll come up with two or three alternatives. Then you bring the siblings back together. At that point there's four or five alternatives on the table and nine times out of ten, one of those alternatives overlaps with another and the kids are beginning to solve the problem. Again, the key here is to give your kids the tools that they need to solve the problems themselves.

I used to think, “Oh, don't be referee. Let the kids solve the problems.” But the truth is you need to teach them the skills. You can't just expect them to learn it. Teach them the skills so they can solve the problems when you're not around.

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All Families Fight. Learn to Fight Smarter, with Bruce Feiler Alle Familien streiten. Lernen Sie, klüger zu kämpfen, mit Bruce Feiler All Families Fight. Learn to Fight Smarter, with Bruce Feiler Todas las familias luchan. Aprende a luchar mejor, con Bruce Feiler Toutes les familles se battent. Apprenez à vous battre plus intelligemment, avec Bruce Feiler Tutte le famiglie combattono. Imparate a combattere in modo più intelligente, con Bruce Feiler すべての家族が戦う。ブルース・ファイラーと一緒に、より賢く戦うことを学ぶ 모든 가족은 싸운다. 브루스 파일러와 함께 더 스마트하게 싸우는 법 배우기 Alle gezinnen vechten. Leer slimmer te vechten, met Bruce Feiler Wszystkie rodziny walczą. Naucz się walczyć mądrzej, z Brucem Feilerem Todas as famílias lutam. Aprenda a lutar de forma mais inteligente, com Bruce Feiler Все семьи сражаются. Научитесь бороться умнее, с Брюсом Фейлером Tüm Aileler Savaşır. Bruce Feiler ile Daha Akıllıca Savaşmayı Öğrenin Всі сім'ї воюють. Навчіться воювати розумніше, з Брюсом Файлером 所有家庭战斗。与布鲁斯·费勒一起学习更聪明地战斗所有家庭都在战斗。与布鲁斯-费勒一起学会更聪明地战斗所有家庭都在戰鬥。與布魯斯·費勒一起學習如何更聰明地戰鬥

Let’s talk about fighting. Parlons de la lutte. 戦いについて話しましょう。

All families fight. すべての家族が戦います。 Всі родини воюють. All families have conflict. すべての家族は対立しています。 Successful families actually limit it and move on to actually building positive memories. Successful families actually limit it and move on to actually building positive memories. Les familles qui réussissent limitent en fait ce phénomène et passent à la construction de souvenirs positifs. Успішні сім’ї фактично обмежують це і переходять до створення позитивних спогадів. So how do you do that. So how do you do that. I took a three day course from the folks at the Harvard Negotiation Project thinking they work with Israelis and Palestinians and general strikes and emerging markets – let’s find out what they know to bring peace. ||||||||||||||||||people from Israel|||||labor disputes||newly developing|||||||||| I took a three day course from the folks at the Harvard Negotiation Project thinking they work with Israelis and Palestinians and general strikes and emerging markets – let's find out what they know to bring peace. J'ai suivi un cours de trois jours dispensé par les responsables du Harvard Negotiation Project, qui travaillent avec les Israéliens et les Palestiniens, les grèves générales et les marchés émergents. Я прошел трехдневный курс у ребят из Гарвардского проекта по переговорам, которые работают с израильтянами и палестинцами, всеобщими забастовками и развивающимися рынками, - давайте узнаем, что они знают о том, как добиться мира. And this changed a lot about how my wife and I fight. И это сильно изменило то, как мы с женой ссоримся. We used to have what I call a 742 fight every night. Nous avions l'habitude d'avoir ce que j'appelle un combat 742 tous les soirs. The kids would be down and we would talk about who’s picking up the milk. Les enfants sont couchés et nous parlons de qui va chercher le lait. Дети спускались, и мы говорили о том, кто собирает молоко. Who’s buying the tickets for vacation. And it would always just end in a muddle with my wife storming out of the room. ||||||||confusion||||quittant la pièce|||| ||||||||confused mess||||angrily leaving|||| ||||||||混乱|||||||| ||||||||muddle|||||||| Et cela se terminait toujours dans la confusion, ma femme quittant la pièce en claquant la porte. И это всегда заканчивалось беспорядком, когда моя жена выбегала из комнаты. 而最终的结果总是一片混乱，我的妻子愤然离开房间。 And what I learned was a number of things.

First of all I changed when we have these conversations. Highest stress time in families is between six and eight at night. La période la plus stressante pour les familles se situe entre six et huit heures du soir. So 7:42 p.m., the worst time you can have one of these fights. ||||pire|||||||| So we no longer have difficult conversations during this period. Nous n'avons donc plus de conversations difficiles pendant cette période.

Second, I changed where we fight. Second, I changed where we fight. I would be at my desk surrounded by my computer equipment, up high. Je serais à mon bureau, entouré de mon matériel informatique, en hauteur. 我会坐在办公桌前，周围都是高高的电脑设备。 My wife would be lower. Ma femme serait plus basse. Моя жена была бы ниже. She’d have her arms crossed, resentful. |||||rancunière |||||bitter and angry |||||verärgert |||||不満げな |||||resentido 她会双手交叉，满脸怨恨。 Turns out I was in the power position. Il s'avère que j'étais en position de force. 事实证明我处于权力地位。 So now when we have difficult conversations we sit at the same level. We actually – if we’re having a really difficult conversation have moved to our bedroom to a bench that we have that’s cushioned because research shows that if you’re sitting on a cushioned bench you’ll be more open. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||rembourré||||| |||||||||||||||||||||gepolstert||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||cushioned||||||||||||||| En fait, si nous avons une conversation très difficile, nous nous installons dans notre chambre à coucher sur un banc rembourré, car la recherche montre que si vous êtes assis sur un banc rembourré, vous serez plus ouvert. 事实上，如果我们要进行一场非常困难的谈话，我们会搬到卧室里，坐在有软垫的长凳上，因为研究表明，如果你坐在有软垫的长凳上，你的谈话会更加开放。 Alongside each other you’ll be collaborative. Côte à côte||||| Vous collaborerez les uns avec les autres. Across from each other, more confrontational. Across from each other, more confrontational. En face les uns des autres, plus conflictuels. The point is there’s all these new ideas out there about reducing conflict so let’s bring them into families. ||||||||||||||||les idées|| Le fait est qu'il existe toutes ces nouvelles idées pour réduire les conflits, alors introduisons-les dans les familles. Суть в том, что есть все эти новые идеи по уменьшению конфликтов, так давайте же внедрим их в семьи. 重点是，现在有这么多关于减少冲突的新想法，让我们把它们带入家庭中。

Some may be right for your family, some may not but I’d be surprised if you couldn’t fight smarter after reading some of these tips. Certains peuvent convenir à votre famille, d'autres non, mais je serais surpris que vous ne puissiez pas vous battre plus intelligemment après avoir lu certains de ces conseils. Некоторые из них могут быть подходящими для вашей семьи, некоторые нет, но я был бы удивлен, если бы вы не смогли сражаться умнее после прочтения некоторых из этих советов. 有些可能适合你的家庭，有些可能不适合，但如果你在阅读了这些技巧之后还不能更聪明地争吵，我会感到惊讶。 For example, one thing – the worst thing you can say in a fight? Is it I? Is it we? Is it you? Or is it your mother? Your mother may not be great but you turns out to be the worst thing you can say in a fight. |||||||||||||||||言うべきこと||| Votre mère n'est peut-être pas géniale, mais vous êtes la pire chose que vous puissiez dire lors d'une dispute. あなたの母親は偉大ではないかもしれないが、あなたはケンカのときに言える最悪の言葉であることがわかった。你的母亲可能并不伟大，但你在争吵中说出的话却是最糟糕的。 “You always do this.” “You never do that.” Speak about yourself. Speak about us as a couple. Parlez-nous de notre couple. If you want to stop fighting, stop saying you. Si vous voulez arrêter de vous battre, arrêtez de dire "vous". So let’s talk about things that can go wrong in families. Parlons donc des choses qui peuvent mal tourner dans les familles. 那么让我们来谈谈家庭中可能出现的问题。

Even if the adults are fighting smarter, the kids are probably getting into a lot of disputes. ||||||||||||||||arguments ||||||||||||||||disputes Même si les adultes se battent plus intelligemment, les enfants se disputent probablement beaucoup. 即使成年人打架更聪明，孩子们也可能会陷入很多争执。 And they seem incredibly petty to parents. ||||trivial or insignificant|| 在父母眼里，他们显得非常琐碎。 But the truth is even those petty discussions and, in my house, it can be socks. |||||||||||||||chaussettes ||||||||||||it||| Mais la vérité, c'est que même ces discussions mesquines et, chez moi, ça peut être des chaussettes. Но на самом деле даже эти мелкие обсуждения, а в моем доме это могут быть носки. In your house it might be who’s staying up later. Dans votre maison, il s'agit peut-être de savoir qui se couche le plus tard. 在你家，这可能指的是谁睡得更晚。 It might be who’s getting to sit in what chair. Il peut s'agir de savoir qui va s'asseoir dans quel fauteuil. So here’s what I’ve learned. A simple three-step process that can reduce sibling fighting. Number one, separate them.

They’re in the middle of the conflict – separate them. Give everyone a chance to calm down and reflect a little – not only on what the other person did but on what they did. Donnez à chacun la possibilité de se calmer et de réfléchir un peu, non seulement à ce que l'autre personne a fait, mais aussi à ce qu'il a fait lui-même. Step two – and this is the most important one. Have kids come up with two or three alternatives. have||to come|||||| Demandez aux enfants de proposer deux ou trois alternatives. Пусть дети предложат два или три альтернативных варианта. 让孩子们想出两到三种替代方案。 Usually the first one is gonna be the one that they’ve come up with and they may stick to that for a few minutes. En général, la première est celle qu'ils ont trouvée et ils peuvent s'y tenir pendant quelques minutes. 通常第一个是他们想出的那个，他们可能会坚持几分钟。

But after a while they’ll come up with two or three alternatives. 但过了一会儿，他们就会想出两三种替代方案。 Then you bring the siblings back together. Ensuite, vous réunissez les frères et sœurs. At that point there’s four or five alternatives on the table and nine times out of ten, one of those alternatives overlaps with another and the kids are beginning to solve the problem. |||||||||||||||||||||overlaps||||||||||| À ce moment-là, il y a quatre ou cinq solutions sur la table et, neuf fois sur dix, l'une de ces solutions en recoupe une autre et les enfants commencent à résoudre le problème. 那时桌面上有四五个备选方案，十分之九，其中一个备选方案与另一个重叠，孩子们开始解决问题。 Again, the key here is to give your kids the tools that they need to solve the problems themselves. 再次强调，这里的关键是向你的孩子提供他们自己解决问题所需的工具。

I used to think, “Oh, don’t be referee. J'avais l'habitude de penser "Oh, ne sois pas arbitre". 我过去常常想，“哦，不要当裁判。 Let the kids solve the problems.” But the truth is you need to teach them the skills. Laissez les enfants résoudre les problèmes". Mais en réalité, vous devez leur enseigner les compétences nécessaires. You can’t just expect them to learn it. Teach them the skills so they can solve the problems when you’re not around. Enseignez-leur les compétences nécessaires pour qu'ils puissent résoudre les problèmes lorsque vous n'êtes pas là.