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Big Think, Technology is Harming Our Relationships, and We Can Stop It

Technology is Harming Our Relationships, and We Can Stop It

The use of devices in romance is a very complicated story.

Because obviously it brings people together in ways that are bringing tremendous efficiencies into the area of our intimacies and in some ways that's a good thing. But it also is having some paradoxical effects. Like there's this thing called The Paradox of Choice where if you're given a limited number of choices, you sort of choose and are happy with the limited number of choices and you say, "Okay, I'm choosing among 50 women who live more or less in my neighborhood or 50 women who I'm probably going to date in the course of my lifetime and I'll be pretty discriminating, but of those 50 or 75 women, I'll try to meet someone I really like. I'll explore those relationships." If you're swiping through 10,000 women, that's your expectation; it's like, "Whoa the 10,001st that will be a real one. " I mean it's kind of like you're offered so many that it almost becomes impossible to think of choosing on any one because the next one could be the real one. So people who were offered more choices start to be very unhappy with any of their choices.

This has been studied in the area of being offered chocolate candy more than it's been studied in the area of being offered romantic partners. But we see that happening in how people talk about romantic partners, that it's just kind of too much, too overwhelming, you know; it's that Chatroulette swipe that became the Tinder swipe that became a sort of just kind of moving on. So that's kind of a side effect of the world of choice and romance that people start to complain about. And then second, people want to have a lot of their conversations online in romance because they feel they can be there's best self online.

They can edit. The notion of editing in romance, the notion of being a better self, a more empathic yourself, your best self comes up a lot. People want to be lovable. People don't want to be rejected. And there's this fantasy that you won't be rejected if you have a chance to kind of listen to what this beautiful woman has said to you and construct the answer that will be kind of the most wonderful for her. But in the course of doing that, she's kind of not seeing you warts and all and she's doing the same thing. And I study one couple, their emails over the years, and they're both editing and they're missing the fundamentals that they need to deal with because they're both editing and you just want to get these people into a room. As you read their edited relationship as they're presenting themselves online, you just see how they're missing the fundamentals because they're not picking up the clues that they would if they were face to face. Ultimately they break up. And I think that we're getting too used to being able to present our edited selves. And again, there's nothing wrong with using technology in romance, but we also have to remember that we're connecting with someone who needs to know who we are, not who we wish we were and we could edit ourselves into.


Technology is Harming Our Relationships, and We Can Stop It Die Technologie schadet unseren Beziehungen, und wir können sie stoppen La tecnología está dañando nuestras relaciones, y podemos detenerla La technologie nuit à nos relations, et nous pouvons y mettre fin La tecnologia sta danneggiando le nostre relazioni, e possiamo fermarla テクノロジーは人間関係を悪くしている、それを止めよう 기술은 우리의 관계를 해치고 있으며, 우리는 이를 막을 수 있습니다. Technologia szkodzi naszym relacjom i możemy to powstrzymać A tecnologia está a prejudicar as nossas relações, e podemos parar com isso Технологии вредят нашим отношениям, и мы можем остановить это Tekniken skadar våra relationer, och vi kan stoppa det Teknoloji İlişkilerimize Zarar Veriyor ve Bunu Durdurabiliriz Технології шкодять нашим стосункам, і ми можемо це зупинити 技术正在损害我们的关系,我们可以阻止它 科技正在損害我們的關係,我們可以阻止它

The use of devices in romance is a very complicated story.

Because obviously it brings people together in ways that are bringing tremendous efficiencies into the area of our intimacies and in some ways that’s a good thing. But it also is having some paradoxical effects. But it also is having some paradoxical effects. Like there’s this thing called The Paradox of Choice where if you’re given a limited number of choices, you sort of choose and are happy with the limited number of choices and you say, "Okay, I’m choosing among 50 women who live more or less in my neighborhood or 50 women who I’m probably going to date in the course of my lifetime and I’ll be pretty discriminating, but of those 50 or 75 women, I’ll try to meet someone I really like. Σαν να υπάρχει αυτό το πράγμα που ονομάζεται Το Παράδοξο της Επιλογής, όπου αν σου δοθεί περιορισμένος αριθμός επιλογών, επιλέγεις και είσαι ευχαριστημένος με τον περιορισμένο αριθμό επιλογών και λες, "Εντάξει, επιλέγω ανάμεσα σε 50 γυναίκες που ζουν λίγο πολύ στη γειτονιά μου ή 50 γυναίκες με τις οποίες πιθανότατα θα βγω ραντεβού στη διάρκεια της ζωής μου και θα είμαι αρκετά διακριτική, αλλά από αυτές τις 50 ή 75 γυναίκες, θα προσπαθήσω να γνωρίσω κάποια που μου αρέσει πολύ. I’ll explore those relationships." 我将探索这些关系。” If you’re swiping through 10,000 women, that’s your expectation; it’s like, "Whoa the 10,001st that will be a real one. Αν περάσετε 10.000 γυναίκες, αυτή είναι η προσδοκία σας. είναι σαν, «Πόου το 10.001 θα είναι αληθινό. 如果你要浏览 10,000 名女性,这就是你的期望;就像,“哇哦,第 10,001 个将是真正的。 " I mean it’s kind of like you’re offered so many that it almost becomes impossible to think of choosing on any one because the next one could be the real one. «Εννοώ ότι είναι σαν να σου προσφέρουν τόσα πολλά που είναι σχεδόν αδύνατο να σκεφτείς να διαλέξεις κάποιο, γιατί το επόμενο μπορεί να είναι το πραγματικό. “我的意思是,这有点像你被提供了太多,以至于几乎不可能考虑选择任何一个,因为下一个可能是真正的。 So people who were offered more choices start to be very unhappy with any of their choices. 因此,获得更多选择的人们开始对自己的任何选择感到非常不满意。

This has been studied in the area of being offered chocolate candy more than it’s been studied in the area of being offered romantic partners. Αυτό έχει μελετηθεί στον τομέα της προσφοράς καραμέλας σοκολάτας περισσότερο από ό,τι έχει μελετηθεί στον τομέα της προσφοράς ρομαντικών συντρόφων. Это было изучено в области предложения шоколадных конфет больше, чем в области предложения романтических партнеров. But we see that happening in how people talk about romantic partners, that it’s just kind of too much, too overwhelming, you know; it’s that Chatroulette swipe that became the Tinder swipe that became a sort of just kind of moving on. Αλλά βλέπουμε ότι συμβαίνει στον τρόπο με τον οποίο οι άνθρωποι μιλούν για τους ρομαντικούς συντρόφους, ότι είναι απλώς υπερβολικά, υπερβολικά συντριπτικό, ξέρετε. είναι αυτό το χτύπημα στο Chatroulette που έγινε το κτύπημα του Tinder που έγινε κάτι σαν να συνεχίζει. So that’s kind of a side effect of the world of choice and romance that people start to complain about. Έτσι, αυτό είναι ένα είδος παρενέργειας του κόσμου των επιλογών και του ρομαντισμού για τον οποίο οι άνθρωποι αρχίζουν να διαμαρτύρονται. 这就是人们开始抱怨的选择和浪漫世界的副作用。 And then second, people want to have a lot of their conversations online in romance because they feel they can be there’s best self online. Και μετά, δεύτερον, οι άνθρωποι θέλουν να έχουν πολλές από τις συνομιλίες τους στο Διαδίκτυο με ρομαντικό τρόπο, επειδή πιστεύουν ότι μπορούν να είναι εκεί ο καλύτερος εαυτός τους στο διαδίκτυο.

They can edit. Μπορούν να επεξεργαστούν. The notion of editing in romance, the notion of being a better self, a more empathic yourself, your best self comes up a lot. Η έννοια του μοντάζ στον ρομαντισμό, η έννοια του να είσαι καλύτερος εαυτός, ένας πιο ενσυναίσθητος εαυτός, ο καλύτερος εαυτός σου εμφανίζεται πολύ. Понятие редактирования в романтике, понятие того, как стать лучшим собой, более эмпатичным, своим лучшим "я", часто всплывает. 在浪漫中编辑的概念,成为更好的自己,更有同理心的自己,最好的自己的概念经常出现。 People want to be lovable. People don’t want to be rejected. Οι άνθρωποι δεν θέλουν να τους απορρίπτουν. And there’s this fantasy that you won’t be rejected if you have a chance to kind of listen to what this beautiful woman has said to you and construct the answer that will be kind of the most wonderful for her. Και υπάρχει αυτή η φαντασίωση ότι δεν θα απορριφθείτε αν έχετε την ευκαιρία να ακούσετε τι σας είπε αυτή η όμορφη γυναίκα και να κατασκευάσετε την απάντηση που θα είναι κάπως η πιο υπέροχη για εκείνη. But in the course of doing that, she’s kind of not seeing you warts and all and she’s doing the same thing. Αλλά στην πορεία να το κάνει αυτό, κάπως δεν σας βλέπει κονδυλώματα και όλα αυτά και κάνει το ίδιο πράγμα. Но в процессе этого она как бы не видит вас со всех сторон и делает то же самое. And I study one couple, their emails over the years, and they’re both editing and they’re missing the fundamentals that they need to deal with because they’re both editing and you just want to get these people into a room. Και μελετάω ένα ζευγάρι, τα email τους όλα αυτά τα χρόνια, και οι δύο επεξεργάζονται και τους λείπουν τα βασικά στοιχεία που πρέπει να αντιμετωπίσουν, επειδή και οι δύο κάνουν επεξεργασία και θέλετε απλώς να βάλετε αυτούς τους ανθρώπους σε ένα δωμάτιο. 我研究了一对夫妇,他们多年来的电子邮件,他们都在编辑,但他们缺少他们需要处理的基本知识,因为他们都在编辑,而你只想让这些人进入一个房间。 As you read their edited relationship as they’re presenting themselves online, you just see how they’re missing the fundamentals because they’re not picking up the clues that they would if they were face to face. Καθώς διαβάζετε την επεξεργασμένη σχέση τους καθώς παρουσιάζονται στο Διαδίκτυο, απλώς βλέπετε πώς τους λείπουν τα βασικά, επειδή δεν παίρνουν τις ενδείξεις που θα έκαναν αν ήταν πρόσωπο με πρόσωπο. 当你读到他们在网上展示自己时编辑过的关系时,你就会发现他们是如何错过基本原则的,因为他们没有像面对面时那样捕捉到线索。 Ultimately they break up. Τελικά χωρίζουν. 最终他们分手了。 And I think that we’re getting too used to being able to present our edited selves. Και νομίζω ότι έχουμε συνηθίσει πάρα πολύ στο να μπορούμε να παρουσιάζουμε τον επιμελημένο εαυτό μας. And I think that we're getting too used to being able to present our edited selves. 我认为我们已经太习惯于展示经过编辑的自我了。 And again, there’s nothing wrong with using technology in romance, but we also have to remember that we’re connecting with someone who needs to know who we are, not who we wish we were and we could edit ourselves into. Και πάλι, δεν υπάρχει τίποτα κακό με τη χρήση της τεχνολογίας στα ερωτικά, αλλά πρέπει επίσης να θυμόμαστε ότι συνδεόμαστε με κάποιον που πρέπει να ξέρει ποιοι είμαστε, όχι ποιοι θα θέλαμε να ήμασταν και να μπορούσαμε να επεξεργαστούμε τον εαυτό μας. And again, there's nothing wrong with using technology in romance, but we also have to remember that we're connecting with someone who needs to know who we are, not who we wish we were and we could edit ourselves into. 再说一次,在浪漫中使用技术并没有什么问题,但我们也必须记住,我们正在与需要知道我们是谁的人联系,而不是我们希望自己是谁并且我们可以将自己编辑成谁。