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Happiness, 5.13 (V) Week 5 Video 9 - Pre-Occurrence Preference...

5.13 (V) Week 5 Video 9 - Pre-Occurrence Preference...

[MUSIC] Hello there and welcome back. You know my uncle, he used to work for a calendar factory. One day he got fired from it and he couldn't believe it. All he did was take a day off. [LAUGH] » In the previous video, we saw how the first concern that many of us have with delinking happiness from outcomes. The concern that this might mean that we are never happy again is not really a valid concern. This is because outcomes aren't the only source of happiness. The process of working towards outcomes is too. But what about the second concern with delinking happiness from outcomes? The concern that doing so will make all outcomes equally attractive, or unattractive, and therefore we wouldn't know which outcome to pursue. Let me illustrate this concern with a colorful example. Imagine that you are a handsome boy, even if you are not handsome or you're not a boy. And imagine that a beautiful lassie has just proposed to you. If you were someone who had successfully delinked happiness from outcomes, wouldn't you be indifferent to whether you said yes or no to this lassie? Since Getting married to her wouldn't make you any happier than not getting married to her. Likewise, wouldn't you be indifferent to all the other outcomes in your life? If so, delinking happiness from outcomes would lead you to become passive and indifferent to life, right? Wrong. The reason why delinking happiness from outcomes doesn't mean that you'll become indifferent to life and not know which goal to pursue, has to do with a seemingly subtle but actually very important difference. De-linking happiness from outcomes refers to not judging outcomes after they have occurred. Rather than not having a certain preference for certain outcomes over others before they've occurred. That is, before an outcome has occurred you would have a preference for some outcomes over other outcomes. However, once an outcome unfolds or occurs, you wouldn't judge it as good or bad. So, in other words, you will have what may be called pre-occurrence preference but you wouldn't have what might be called post-occurrence judgmentalism. I know these terms sound rather technical, and impressive, but the concept itself is really simple. In the example where a lassie has just proposed to you, de-linking happiness from outcomes would mean that you would have a preference for whether you wanted to marry her or not. And that preference would ideally be based on your goals, and values, among other things. You might believe that getting married to her will promote your chances of pursuing flow or being a kind and compassionate person, etc. If so, you'd say yes. If on the other hand, you think that getting married to her will make it more difficult for you or for her to lead a meaningful life, you'd say no. Of course, you'd say no in as kind and compassionate a manner as you could. But once the outcome has occurred, imagine that you've said yes to her and you're now married, right? You wouldn't take this outcome for granted. That is, you wouldn't start believing that from now on life is going to be a bed of roses. You would recognize that what seems to be a positive start may lead to downstream consequences that aren't necessarily desirable. So you would do two things. First thing you would do is work towards avoiding those undesirable outcomes to the best of your ability. And the second thing you will do is focus on deriving happiness from the processes that you put in place. Example, being involved in activities that both you and your partner find meaningful rather than taking the partnership or your partner for granted. And by relying on the processes for your happiness, rather than on the fact that you're already married, you will avoid a trap that many, many married people fall into. The trap of believing that by simply being married to a particular person, life is going to turn out to be a fairy tale. They lived happily ever after kind of a story. One way to think about what I have just discussed, is this. There are three broad approaches that you can take to goals. The first approach, which is the approach that most of us take, might be called obsessive pursuit of passion. This approach involves having a strong preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes. Both before and after the outcomes have occurred. If the old man in the GTBTWK story had had this approach, a perspective towards goals, he would have agreed with the religious when they came up to him and said, oh you poor man, you son can never be married again. Or when they said, oh you lucky man, your son doesn't have to go to war, etc. The second approach that you can take is what one might call indifferent pursuit of passion. This approach involves being indifferent to outcomes both before and after they occur. This would lead to a somewhat lifeless pursuit of goals. Such a person would be devoid of curiosity and interest. Curiosity and interest, as you might recall from week one, are very important ways in which happiness could be defined. And that type of emotion or happiness would be missing from this kind of a persons life. This is the approach that you would take if you misunderstood what de-linking happiness from outcomes really means, and concluded that it means not having a preference for outcomes even before they've occurred. I see many people falling into this trap and have to confess that I myself fell into it when I was in my early 20s. I was desperately in search of happiness then, and believed that the way to happiness is to welcome any and all outcomes that were in front of me that could occur to me. The idea of being welcoming or accepting of outcomes is an important one. And, it's one topic that we'll explore in great detail in the next week. But this welcoming attitude should happen after an outcome has unfolded and not before. There are a couple of problems with being welcoming of any and all outcomes even before they have occurred. The first problem is that it's really not possible to be this way. Whether you like it or not and whether you know it or not, you are going to have desires. For example, sooner or later all of us have the desire, are going to have the desire to eat, to scratch an itch, to take a breath, and so on. So you would only be deluding yourself by thinking that you're equally welcoming on whether you get to eat or not, whether you get to scratch an itch or not, or whether you're gonna breath or not, and so on. You always has a preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes. A second problem of this approach is that your life will become devoid of life. If you're trying not to have a preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes before they've occurred. You might think that you're being cool and easy going by being this way, but in reality, as studies show, indifference to outcomes is often a sign of helplessness and depression. This leads me to the third approach, which is the one that I propose as the optimal one from the standpoint of maximizing happiness. This approach, which is the sixth habit of the highly happy, might be called the dispassionate pursuit of passion. It involves having a preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes before they've occurred, but being non-judgemental about the goodness and badness of outcomes after they've occurred. The dispassionate pursuit of passion might seem like a very difficult thing to pull off, and it is. That's because it's much easier to hold a consistent view of things. We all have a need for consistency, as my colleague from UT Austin, Bill Swann, has shown in many studies. So holding one view of an outcome before they have occurred, and changing that view to be another view after they have occurred is a tough thing to pull off. But it's not impossible. And it is well worth the effort, since not only does it enhance happiness levels, it also enhances our chances of success. In the next couple of videos, I'm going to get to both why the dispassionate pursuit of passion enhances happiness, and chances of success. And I'm also gonna get to how you can go about practicing it. Until then adios my friend. [MUSIC]


5.13 (V) Week 5 Video 9 - Pre-Occurrence Preference... 5.13 (V) 5. Hafta Video 9 - Oluşum Öncesi Tercih...

[MUSIC] Hello there and welcome back. [MÜZİK] Merhabalar ve tekrar hoş geldiniz. You know my uncle, he used to work for a calendar factory. Amcam bilirsin, bir takvim fabrikasında çalışırdı. One day he got fired from it and he couldn't believe it. Bir gün oradan kovuldu ve buna inanamadı. All he did was take a day off. Tek yaptığı bir gün izin almaktı. [LAUGH] » In the previous video, we saw how the first concern that many of us have with delinking happiness from outcomes. The concern that this might mean that we are never happy again is not really a valid concern. This is because outcomes aren't the only source of happiness. The process of working towards outcomes is too. But what about the second concern with delinking happiness from outcomes? The concern that doing so will make all outcomes equally attractive, or unattractive, and therefore we wouldn't know which outcome to pursue. Let me illustrate this concern with a colorful example. Imagine that you are a handsome boy, even if you are not handsome or you're not a boy. And imagine that a beautiful lassie has just proposed to you. If you were someone who had successfully delinked happiness from outcomes, wouldn't you be indifferent to whether you said yes or no to this lassie? Since Getting married to her wouldn't make you any happier than not getting married to her. Likewise, wouldn't you be indifferent to all the other outcomes in your life? If so, delinking happiness from outcomes would lead you to become passive and indifferent to life, right? Wrong. The reason why delinking happiness from outcomes doesn't mean that you'll become indifferent to life and not know which goal to pursue, has to do with a seemingly subtle but actually very important difference. De-linking happiness from outcomes refers to not judging outcomes after they have occurred. Rather than not having a certain preference for certain outcomes over others before they've occurred. That is, before an outcome has occurred you would have a preference for some outcomes over other outcomes. However, once an outcome unfolds or occurs, you wouldn't judge it as good or bad. So, in other words, you will have what may be called pre-occurrence preference but you wouldn't have what might be called post-occurrence judgmentalism. I know these terms sound rather technical, and impressive, but the concept itself is really simple. In the example where a lassie has just proposed to you, de-linking happiness from outcomes would mean that you would have a preference for whether you wanted to marry her or not. And that preference would ideally be based on your goals, and values, among other things. You might believe that getting married to her will promote your chances of pursuing flow or being a kind and compassionate person, etc. If so, you'd say yes. If on the other hand, you think that getting married to her will make it more difficult for you or for her to lead a meaningful life, you'd say no. Of course, you'd say no in as kind and compassionate a manner as you could. But once the outcome has occurred, imagine that you've said yes to her and you're now married, right? You wouldn't take this outcome for granted. That is, you wouldn't start believing that from now on life is going to be a bed of roses. You would recognize that what seems to be a positive start may lead to downstream consequences that aren't necessarily desirable. So you would do two things. First thing you would do is work towards avoiding those undesirable outcomes to the best of your ability. And the second thing you will do is focus on deriving happiness from the processes that you put in place. Example, being involved in activities that both you and your partner find meaningful rather than taking the partnership or your partner for granted. And by relying on the processes for your happiness, rather than on the fact that you're already married, you will avoid a trap that many, many married people fall into. The trap of believing that by simply being married to a particular person, life is going to turn out to be a fairy tale. They lived happily ever after kind of a story. One way to think about what I have just discussed, is this. There are three broad approaches that you can take to goals. The first approach, which is the approach that most of us take, might be called obsessive pursuit of passion. This approach involves having a strong preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes. Both before and after the outcomes have occurred. If the old man in the GTBTWK story had had this approach, a perspective towards goals, he would have agreed with the religious when they came up to him and said, oh you poor man, you son can never be married again. Or when they said, oh you lucky man, your son doesn't have to go to war, etc. The second approach that you can take is what one might call indifferent pursuit of passion. This approach involves being indifferent to outcomes both before and after they occur. This would lead to a somewhat lifeless pursuit of goals. Such a person would be devoid of curiosity and interest. Curiosity and interest, as you might recall from week one, are very important ways in which happiness could be defined. And that type of emotion or happiness would be missing from this kind of a persons life. This is the approach that you would take if you misunderstood what de-linking happiness from outcomes really means, and concluded that it means not having a preference for outcomes even before they've occurred. I see many people falling into this trap and have to confess that I myself fell into it when I was in my early 20s. I was desperately in search of happiness then, and believed that the way to happiness is to welcome any and all outcomes that were in front of me that could occur to me. The idea of being welcoming or accepting of outcomes is an important one. And, it's one topic that we'll explore in great detail in the next week. But this welcoming attitude should happen after an outcome has unfolded and not before. There are a couple of problems with being welcoming of any and all outcomes even before they have occurred. The first problem is that it's really not possible to be this way. Whether you like it or not and whether you know it or not, you are going to have desires. For example, sooner or later all of us have the desire, are going to have the desire to eat, to scratch an itch, to take a breath, and so on. So you would only be deluding yourself by thinking that you're equally welcoming on whether you get to eat or not, whether you get to scratch an itch or not, or whether you're gonna breath or not, and so on. You always has a preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes. A second problem of this approach is that your life will become devoid of life. If you're trying not to have a preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes before they've occurred. You might think that you're being cool and easy going by being this way, but in reality, as studies show, indifference to outcomes is often a sign of helplessness and depression. This leads me to the third approach, which is the one that I propose as the optimal one from the standpoint of maximizing happiness. This approach, which is the sixth habit of the highly happy, might be called the dispassionate pursuit of passion. It involves having a preference for certain outcomes over other outcomes before they've occurred, but being non-judgemental about the goodness and badness of outcomes after they've occurred. The dispassionate pursuit of passion might seem like a very difficult thing to pull off, and it is. That's because it's much easier to hold a consistent view of things. We all have a need for consistency, as my colleague from UT Austin, Bill Swann, has shown in many studies. So holding one view of an outcome before they have occurred, and changing that view to be another view after they have occurred is a tough thing to pull off. But it's not impossible. And it is well worth the effort, since not only does it enhance happiness levels, it also enhances our chances of success. In the next couple of videos, I'm going to get to both why the dispassionate pursuit of passion enhances happiness, and chances of success. And I'm also gonna get to how you can go about practicing it. Until then adios my friend. [MUSIC]