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Happiness, 4.08 (V) Week 4 Video 7 - Internal and External Control as Compensatory Force

[MUSIC] Chesth, my Polish and other friends. As we saw in the last video, having greater self, or internal control, that is, having the ability to control your thoughts and emotions. Has been found to be associated with a bunch of positive effects. From getting better grades in school, to having better interpersonal relationships. In this video, I wanna discuss a related topic. How or why does having the ability to regulate your feelings, that is, taking personal responsibility for your happiness, help you get rid, or at least mitigate, the fourth deadly happiness, sin, which is the sin of being overly controlling. Understanding this relationship between taking internal control and how it affects the tendency to be overly externally controlling, is important for many reasons, including that it will help us set the stage for the strategies for gaining the ability to regulate our feelings. So, how or why is taking personal responsibility for your happiness helpful in helping you getting rid of the sin of being overly controlling. The reason is, because when you become good at taking personal responsibility for your happiness, you essentially develop this internal control, right? I mean, this ability to control your thoughts and feelings. And once you have a higher degree of internal control, you realize that you don't need as much external control. In fact, you come to realize that one of the main reasons why you, or for that matter me or anyone else, seek external control. Control over others and over outcomes, is because we lack internal control. In other words, what I'm proposing here is that internal and external control are compensatory forces, and therefore your tendency to seek external control goes down When you have greater internal control. Findings from several studies are consistent with this idea. For example, studies show that our desire for external control goes up when we lack internal control over our feelings, for example, when we feel stressed out or anxious. I found this out in a study that I did, very early on in my research life, in my dissertation. In that study, I asked participants to list the things that they would like to do, when they feel anxious and stressed out. And here's what I found. I found that people's tendency to seek external control, for example by. Getting the space around them organized. Or trying to get to the bottom of the problem that's making them feel anxious, etc, is higher when they feel stressed out. Findings by other scholars, too, show the same pattern. Namely that when we are not feeling good internally, that's when we are more likely to seek external control. The reverse has been shown too. It is when we feel that we don't have a sufficiently high level of control over our external environment that we seek ways of somehow gaining internal control over our feelings. This is one reason why being spiritual or religious helps. Findings from one study by Pollner showed that one reason why religious people seem to be happier than non-religious people is because of their belief in God. This belief gives them a vicarious sense of control. God is this omnipresent, omnipotent force, and therefore having that force on your side helps you deal with the uncertainty of life. This is one reason why religious people are better able to deal with stressful situations than non-religious people. Similarly, as you may recall from one of the early videos from this week, people tend to become more superstitious when they are put under stress. The reason this happens is because, as I mentioned in that video, the superstition acts like a crutch. It gives people a sense of reassurance that they can control the situation, even though, actually, they don't have control over it. What all of these findings suggest is that when we feel that we have greater control over our internal environment, that is, we have a way of keeping our stress levels in check. Either by subscribing to a superstition, or by believing in a divine force, or by some other means, we will be less desperate to control the external environment. Here's a quote from one of the participants in a study, in a paper by Aston and Shapiro, a 1997 paper. Two researchers who, by the way, have spent a lot of time working on the need for control, that I think really nails this idea of this compensatory relationship between external and internal control. This part says, and I quote, I don't think I have the self control to let go of control. What the participant is seeing is that the reason why she can't let go of trying to control the external environment is because she feels that she lacks self, or internal control. This idea, that gaining internal control can help compensate for lack of external control, explains how and why the ability to regulate your emotions. That is, taking personal responsibility for your happiness can help you get rid of the sin of being overly controlling. Basically, once you're able to regulate your feelings, you no longer need to feel overly controlling of other people, or of outcomes, to feel happy. Now, this doesn't mean that once you develop the ability to regulate your feelings and you're able to take personal responsibility for your happiness, you won't ever want to influence people or outcomes. Of course you will. For example, even if you are totally capable of taking charge of your internal environment, your feelings. You may still want to persuade your child to eat healthy, or you may still want your client to shell out $1 million for an ad campaign that you're selling in. Or you may want to achieve the next big milestone in your hobby. But this desire to influence others in outcomes won't have this feverish and desperate edge to it. That is, you won't be obsessed. As Professor Vallerum might put it, about controlling others, or about achieving your desired outcomes. You will approach these goals with a certain lightheartedness, perhaps even a feeling of love, rather than with a feeling of dread or fear. And that, my friend, makes all the difference to one's life. So, to summarize, the main reason why taking personal responsibility for your happiness improves your happiness levels, is because it gives you a sense of internal control that lowers your desire for external control, and therefore makes you less likely to be overly control seeking. And because of that, people are likely to like you better, and cooperate more with you, and you're also likely to make better decisions. Now, with this understanding of this compensate trade relationship, between internal and external control, we can now move on to discussing the ways or strategies for taking personal responsibility for our happiness. There are two main strategies, which I will discuss in the next video. [FOREIGN] and see you soon. [MUSIC]


[MUSIC] Chesth, my Polish and other friends. As we saw in the last video, having greater self, or internal control, that is, having the ability to control your thoughts and emotions. Has been found to be associated with a bunch of positive effects. From getting better grades in school, to having better interpersonal relationships. In this video, I wanna discuss a related topic. How or why does having the ability to regulate your feelings, that is, taking personal responsibility for your happiness, help you get rid, or at least mitigate, the fourth deadly happiness, sin, which is the sin of being overly controlling. Understanding this relationship between taking internal control and how it affects the tendency to be overly externally controlling, is important for many reasons, including that it will help us set the stage for the strategies for gaining the ability to regulate our feelings. So, how or why is taking personal responsibility for your happiness helpful in helping you getting rid of the sin of being overly controlling. The reason is, because when you become good at taking personal responsibility for your happiness, you essentially develop this internal control, right? I mean, this ability to control your thoughts and feelings. And once you have a higher degree of internal control, you realize that you don't need as much external control. In fact, you come to realize that one of the main reasons why you, or for that matter me or anyone else, seek external control. Control over others and over outcomes, is because we lack internal control. In other words, what I'm proposing here is that internal and external control are compensatory forces, and therefore your tendency to seek external control goes down When you have greater internal control. Findings from several studies are consistent with this idea. For example, studies show that our desire for external control goes up when we lack internal control over our feelings, for example, when we feel stressed out or anxious. I found this out in a study that I did, very early on in my research life, in my dissertation. In that study, I asked participants to list the things that they would like to do, when they feel anxious and stressed out. And here's what I found. I found that people's tendency to seek external control, for example by. Getting the space around them organized. Or trying to get to the bottom of the problem that's making them feel anxious, etc, is higher when they feel stressed out. Findings by other scholars, too, show the same pattern. Namely that when we are not feeling good internally, that's when we are more likely to seek external control. The reverse has been shown too. It is when we feel that we don't have a sufficiently high level of control over our external environment that we seek ways of somehow gaining internal control over our feelings. This is one reason why being spiritual or religious helps. Findings from one study by Pollner showed that one reason why religious people seem to be happier than non-religious people is because of their belief in God. This belief gives them a vicarious sense of control. God is this omnipresent, omnipotent force, and therefore having that force on your side helps you deal with the uncertainty of life. This is one reason why religious people are better able to deal with stressful situations than non-religious people. Similarly, as you may recall from one of the early videos from this week, people tend to become more superstitious when they are put under stress. The reason this happens is because, as I mentioned in that video, the superstition acts like a crutch. It gives people a sense of reassurance that they can control the situation, even though, actually, they don't have control over it. What all of these findings suggest is that when we feel that we have greater control over our internal environment, that is, we have a way of keeping our stress levels in check. Either by subscribing to a superstition, or by believing in a divine force, or by some other means, we will be less desperate to control the external environment. Here's a quote from one of the participants in a study, in a paper by Aston and Shapiro, a 1997 paper. Two researchers who, by the way, have spent a lot of time working on the need for control, that I think really nails this idea of this compensatory relationship between external and internal control. This part says, and I quote, I don't think I have the self control to let go of control. What the participant is seeing is that the reason why she can't let go of trying to control the external environment is because she feels that she lacks self, or internal control. This idea, that gaining internal control can help compensate for lack of external control, explains how and why the ability to regulate your emotions. That is, taking personal responsibility for your happiness can help you get rid of the sin of being overly controlling. Basically, once you're able to regulate your feelings, you no longer need to feel overly controlling of other people, or of outcomes, to feel happy. Now, this doesn't mean that once you develop the ability to regulate your feelings and you're able to take personal responsibility for your happiness, you won't ever want to influence people or outcomes. Of course you will. For example, even if you are totally capable of taking charge of your internal environment, your feelings. You may still want to persuade your child to eat healthy, or you may still want your client to shell out $1 million for an ad campaign that you're selling in. Or you may want to achieve the next big milestone in your hobby. But this desire to influence others in outcomes won't have this feverish and desperate edge to it. That is, you won't be obsessed. As Professor Vallerum might put it, about controlling others, or about achieving your desired outcomes. You will approach these goals with a certain lightheartedness, perhaps even a feeling of love, rather than with a feeling of dread or fear. And that, my friend, makes all the difference to one's life. So, to summarize, the main reason why taking personal responsibility for your happiness improves your happiness levels, is because it gives you a sense of internal control that lowers your desire for external control, and therefore makes you less likely to be overly control seeking. And because of that, people are likely to like you better, and cooperate more with you, and you're also likely to make better decisions. Now, with this understanding of this compensate trade relationship, between internal and external control, we can now move on to discussing the ways or strategies for taking personal responsibility for our happiness. There are two main strategies, which I will discuss in the next video. [FOREIGN] and see you soon. [MUSIC]