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Happiness, 4.03 (V) Week 4 Video 3 - Why Being Overly Controlling of Outcome...

4.03 (V) Week 4 Video 3 - Why Being Overly Controlling of Outcome...

[MUSIC] Ola to my Portuguese and other friends. In the last video, I discussed some reasons why being overly controlling of others lowers happiness levels. In this video, I wanna talk about how being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness. Being overly controlling of outcomes doesn't mean being really keen on achieving the outcomes that you desire. If you're really keen on getting into a good school, or you want to be in a great relationship, or want to get into great shape, that's a good thing. That's not being overly controlling. You cross the line into being overly controlling if you become obsessed with a particular outcome. When the desire to achieve that outcome starts to control you, rather than you being in control of your desire to achieve the outcome. This happens when you start believing that if you don't achieve the outcome that you want, it will be the end of the world. As you can probably tell, there's no real clear dividing line between being appropriately control-seeking and being overly control-seeking. Ultimately, only you, or maybe perhaps those who are really close to you and know you really well, can tell whether you're being overly control-seeking in a particular situation or not. I'll get back to how you can figure out whether you're being overly control-seeking shortly. But first, let me turn my attention to why being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness levels. There are several reasons for this. One reason is because many things in our life, like Donald Trump's hair, simply can't be controlled. That's just a basic fact of life. You might want X to happen, and life gives you Y, and just when you've turned your life around and you're willing to accept Y, life suddenly gives you X. Here is a song that my kids used to really love to listen to when they were toddlers that captures this feature of life really well. Listen. » Bom bom bom ba-dom ba-dom. A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any grapes? [MUSIC] The man said, no, we just sell lemonade, but it's cold and it's fresh and it's all homemade. Can I get you a glass? The duck said, I'll pass. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle 'til the very next day. Bom bom bom bom bom ba-da-bom. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any grapes? [MUSIC] The man said, no, like I said yesterday, we just sell lemonade, okay? Why not give it a try? The duck said, goodbye. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle 'til the very next day. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any grapes? [MUSIC] The man said, that's it. If you don't stay away, Duck, I'll glue you to a tree and leave you there all day, stuck, so don't get too close. The duck said, adios. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle waddle. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle 'til the very next day. Bom bom bom bom bom ba-da-bom. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any glue? What? Got any glue? No why would I, oh. One more question for you. [MUSIC] Got any grapes? Bom bom bom bom bom bom. [MUSIC] And the man just stopped, then he started to smile. He started to laugh, he laughed for a while. He said, come on, Duck, let's walk to the store. Ill buy you some grapes so you won't have to ask anymore. [MUSIC] So they walked to the store, and the man bought some grapes. He gave one to the duck, and the duck said, hm, no thanks. [MUSIC] But you know what sounds good? [MUSIC] It would make my day. [MUSIC] Do you think this store? [MUSIC] Do you think this store? [MUSIC] Do you think this store has any lemonade? Then he waddled away. » Bom bom bom ba da da bom. Nice tune, huh? But more than the tune, I like the message in the song, which is that the stuff life throws at you can be difficult to control. Just like the man in the song, you may have a certain plan in life to make and sell lemonade. But life, like the duck in this song, may not want you to do that. Life may want you to sell grapes. And then just when you're ready to sell grapes, life now suddenly wants you to sell lemonade again. Given how capricious and uncertain life can be, it's obvious that you would be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment if you want to control everything in your life. Say you want to go on vacations that go without a hitch. It's sunny every day, beautiful weather. Or you want a particular job in a specific industry located in a particular city in a certain country. Or you want to have exactly two kids, one girl and one boy. That's exactly what findings from several studies show. One study from the paper that you now see on the screen, for example, showed that people high in need for control become more uncomfortable and unhappy when the room that they are in becomes overcrowded, compared to people who are low in control. Why? Because being in such a room, an overcrowded room, makes these high need for control people feel that life isn't going according to how they would like it to. Similarly, findings from another study, the one that you now see on the screen, found that salespeople were more dissatisfied and performed worse, that is, sold less, when the desired level of control in the interaction that they were having with the customer was lower than they wanted it to be. Yet another study, conducted in Japan, found that when people are put in situations in which they have lower control than they desire, their blood pressure shoots up. Given all these findings, you would expect that people high in desire for control would be less happy than those low in desire for control, particularly when life isn't going according to plan. And that's what findings show. For example, in the paper that you now see on your screen, researchers found that people high desire for control but low in perceived control, that is, how much control they think they have in their life, are more likely to be depressed than those low in desire for control and high in perceived control. Or for that matter, those high in desire for control and high in perceived control. So, a big reason why being overly controlling lowers happiness levels is because it makes you feel frustrated and angry, disappointed, and perhaps even depressed when life doesn't go according to plan. Which of course, happens quite frequently for everybody. Okay, so that's one reason why being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness levels. Another reason why it lowers happiness levels has to do with the quality of decisions you make. Findings show that you're likely to take more risks, and are also likely to become more superstitious in stressful situations, if your desire for control is very high. In one study researchers found that those high in desire for control expressed higher willingness to drive more rashly. Another study found, in gambling contexts involving real wins and losses, those with a higher desire for control are likely to believe that they have more control over outcomes than they actually do. This is something known as illusion of control. And therefore, these high desire for control participants were likely to wager higher amounts. A third study showed that when you're high in desire for control, you're more likely to believe in superstitions, for example that knocking on wood will ward off bad luck, when you're put under stress. Why does a desire for control turn people to become more superstitious? It seems that this is due to the desire to compensate for the lack of control. If you desire a high level of control, but you're put under stress, you don't have a high level of control. You want to wrest control over the situation, and superstitions make people believe that they have more control over a situation than they actually do. It might make them feel good in the moment, but it leads them to making poorer decisions in the long run. There's another reason why being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness levels. When you want to control something really, really badly, say you want to get a particular job, you're likely to become obsessed about it. And findings show that being obsessed about something is likely to have a negative impact, not just on your physical and emotional health, but also on the health of your relationships. Professor Vallerand has studied this phenomenon in the context of pursuit of passion. The good way to pursue your passion is to do it in what he calls a harmonious fashion, where you do not sacrifice the important things in your life for the sake of your passion. The bad way to pursue it is to do it in an obsessive fashion, where everything else takes a backseat except the thing that you're passionate about, your health, the health of your relationships, the amount of sleep you get, and so on. As Professor Vallerand puts it, obsessive pursuit of passion occurs when your passion starts controlling you rather than you controlling your pursuit of passion. Those who pursue their passion in an obsessive fashion are not just less happy. They're also ultimately less likely to achieve success in whatever they're passion is, since what happens is they end up burning out faster. To summarize, there are at least three reasons why being overly controlling lowers your happiness levels. First, the outcomes that we experience are often not under our control. And hence being overly controlling is almost guaranteed to make us feel frustrated and disappointed, if not depressed. Second, we're likely to take greater risks and become more superstitious and delusional in our thinking when we are overly control-seeking. And this lowers the quality of the decisions that we make. And finally, when we obsess about achieving certain outcomes, we are likely to sacrifice the other important things in our life, including our health and the health of our relationships. Now the million-dollar question of course is how do you know if you're overly controlling or not? That's the question to which I will be turning In the next video. Ciao and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]


4.03 (V) Week 4 Video 3 - Why Being Overly Controlling of Outcome...

[MUSIC] Ola to my Portuguese and other friends. In the last video, I discussed some reasons why being overly controlling of others lowers happiness levels. In this video, I wanna talk about how being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness. Being overly controlling of outcomes doesn't mean being really keen on achieving the outcomes that you desire. If you're really keen on getting into a good school, or you want to be in a great relationship, or want to get into great shape, that's a good thing. That's not being overly controlling. You cross the line into being overly controlling if you become obsessed with a particular outcome. When the desire to achieve that outcome starts to control you, rather than you being in control of your desire to achieve the outcome. This happens when you start believing that if you don't achieve the outcome that you want, it will be the end of the world. As you can probably tell, there's no real clear dividing line between being appropriately control-seeking and being overly control-seeking. Ultimately, only you, or maybe perhaps those who are really close to you and know you really well, can tell whether you're being overly control-seeking in a particular situation or not. I'll get back to how you can figure out whether you're being overly control-seeking shortly. But first, let me turn my attention to why being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness levels. There are several reasons for this. One reason is because many things in our life, like Donald Trump's hair, simply can't be controlled. That's just a basic fact of life. You might want X to happen, and life gives you Y, and just when you've turned your life around and you're willing to accept Y, life suddenly gives you X. Here is a song that my kids used to really love to listen to when they were toddlers that captures this feature of life really well. Listen. » Bom bom bom ba-dom ba-dom. A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any grapes? [MUSIC] The man said, no, we just sell lemonade, but it's cold and it's fresh and it's all homemade. Can I get you a glass? The duck said, I'll pass. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle 'til the very next day. Bom bom bom bom bom ba-da-bom. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any grapes? [MUSIC] The man said, no, like I said yesterday, we just sell lemonade, okay? Why not give it a try? The duck said, goodbye. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle 'til the very next day. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any grapes? [MUSIC] The man said, that's it. If you don't stay away, Duck, I'll glue you to a tree and leave you there all day, stuck, so don't get too close. The duck said, adios. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle waddle. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle 'til the very next day. Bom bom bom bom bom ba-da-bom. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand, hey, bom bom bom, got any glue? What? Got any glue? No why would I, oh. One more question for you. [MUSIC] Got any grapes? Bom bom bom bom bom bom. [MUSIC] And the man just stopped, then he started to smile. He started to laugh, he laughed for a while. He said, come on, Duck, let's walk to the store. Ill buy you some grapes so you won't have to ask anymore. [MUSIC] So they walked to the store, and the man bought some grapes. He gave one to the duck, and the duck said, hm, no thanks. [MUSIC] But you know what sounds good? [MUSIC] It would make my day. [MUSIC] Do you think this store? [MUSIC] Do you think this store? [MUSIC] Do you think this store has any lemonade? Then he waddled away. » Bom bom bom ba da da bom. Nice tune, huh? But more than the tune, I like the message in the song, which is that the stuff life throws at you can be difficult to control. Just like the man in the song, you may have a certain plan in life to make and sell lemonade. But life, like the duck in this song, may not want you to do that. Life may want you to sell grapes. And then just when you're ready to sell grapes, life now suddenly wants you to sell lemonade again. Given how capricious and uncertain life can be, it's obvious that you would be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment if you want to control everything in your life. Say you want to go on vacations that go without a hitch. It's sunny every day, beautiful weather. Or you want a particular job in a specific industry located in a particular city in a certain country. Or you want to have exactly two kids, one girl and one boy. That's exactly what findings from several studies show. One study from the paper that you now see on the screen, for example, showed that people high in need for control become more uncomfortable and unhappy when the room that they are in becomes overcrowded, compared to people who are low in control. Why? Because being in such a room, an overcrowded room, makes these high need for control people feel that life isn't going according to how they would like it to. Similarly, findings from another study, the one that you now see on the screen, found that salespeople were more dissatisfied and performed worse, that is, sold less, when the desired level of control in the interaction that they were having with the customer was lower than they wanted it to be. Yet another study, conducted in Japan, found that when people are put in situations in which they have lower control than they desire, their blood pressure shoots up. Given all these findings, you would expect that people high in desire for control would be less happy than those low in desire for control, particularly when life isn't going according to plan. And that's what findings show. For example, in the paper that you now see on your screen, researchers found that people high desire for control but low in perceived control, that is, how much control they think they have in their life, are more likely to be depressed than those low in desire for control and high in perceived control. Or for that matter, those high in desire for control and high in perceived control. So, a big reason why being overly controlling lowers happiness levels is because it makes you feel frustrated and angry, disappointed, and perhaps even depressed when life doesn't go according to plan. Which of course, happens quite frequently for everybody. Okay, so that's one reason why being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness levels. Another reason why it lowers happiness levels has to do with the quality of decisions you make. Findings show that you're likely to take more risks, and are also likely to become more superstitious in stressful situations, if your desire for control is very high. In one study researchers found that those high in desire for control expressed higher willingness to drive more rashly. Another study found, in gambling contexts involving real wins and losses, those with a higher desire for control are likely to believe that they have more control over outcomes than they actually do. This is something known as illusion of control. And therefore, these high desire for control participants were likely to wager higher amounts. A third study showed that when you're high in desire for control, you're more likely to believe in superstitions, for example that knocking on wood will ward off bad luck, when you're put under stress. Why does a desire for control turn people to become more superstitious? It seems that this is due to the desire to compensate for the lack of control. If you desire a high level of control, but you're put under stress, you don't have a high level of control. You want to wrest control over the situation, and superstitions make people believe that they have more control over a situation than they actually do. It might make them feel good in the moment, but it leads them to making poorer decisions in the long run. There's another reason why being overly controlling of outcomes lowers happiness levels. When you want to control something really, really badly, say you want to get a particular job, you're likely to become obsessed about it. And findings show that being obsessed about something is likely to have a negative impact, not just on your physical and emotional health, but also on the health of your relationships. Professor Vallerand has studied this phenomenon in the context of pursuit of passion. The good way to pursue your passion is to do it in what he calls a harmonious fashion, where you do not sacrifice the important things in your life for the sake of your passion. The bad way to pursue it is to do it in an obsessive fashion, where everything else takes a backseat except the thing that you're passionate about, your health, the health of your relationships, the amount of sleep you get, and so on. As Professor Vallerand puts it, obsessive pursuit of passion occurs when your passion starts controlling you rather than you controlling your pursuit of passion. Those who pursue their passion in an obsessive fashion are not just less happy. They're also ultimately less likely to achieve success in whatever they're passion is, since what happens is they end up burning out faster. To summarize, there are at least three reasons why being overly controlling lowers your happiness levels. First, the outcomes that we experience are often not under our control. And hence being overly controlling is almost guaranteed to make us feel frustrated and disappointed, if not depressed. Second, we're likely to take greater risks and become more superstitious and delusional in our thinking when we are overly control-seeking. And this lowers the quality of the decisions that we make. And finally, when we obsess about achieving certain outcomes, we are likely to sacrifice the other important things in our life, including our health and the health of our relationships. Now the million-dollar question of course is how do you know if you're overly controlling or not? That's the question to which I will be turning In the next video. Ciao and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]