[MUSIC] Ete-sen, my Ghanaian and other friends. In this video I want to recap everything that we've discussed this week. We started out with how, as human beings, we have a deep seated need for love and connection. This need goes by several names, including The Need to Belong. It turns out that this need is so prevalent and important that if it is left unfulfilled, we are likely to turn out to be psychologically damaged. In particular, if we don't receive a sufficiently high level of the right kind of love and nurturing as an infant, especially in the first year and a half of her life. We are likely to develop insecurities about relationships, and become either anxious and needy, or avoidant. Findings also show that our experience during childhood, and the tendency to be needy, secure, or avoidant Is likely to carry over into our adult life. We also discussed how neither neediness nor avoidance is good for happiness. There are many reasons why neediness lowers happiness levels. It makes us less attractive to others, and also makes us view ourselves in a negative light. The opposite of neediness, avoidance, isn't good for happiness either. Why? Because being avoidant makes us less likable to other people, makes our interactions with them more painful and less enjoyable and also lowers our overall satisfaction with life, including job satisfaction. So neither neediness nor avoidance is go. And so you might ask, what's the healthiest approach? What's the happiness maximizing approach to relationships? And that is to exhibit what researchers call secure attachment. Those who exhibit secure attachment are not afraid of intimacy, but at the same time. They aren't desperate for intimacy either. As it turns out, securely attached is the most prevalent category in the world, about 50% of us are securely attached. While about 25% are needy/anxious, and about 20% are avoidant. The rest of us, about 5% manage to be both needy and avoidant at the same time. As I mentioned earlier, whether we are needy, secure or avoidant is determined to a large extent by our childhood experiences. But the good news is that this doesn't mean that our propensities are set in stone. As we saw in some earlier videos, finding sure that people can be made to feel more secure by exposing them to words like hug or love. Or the stories of parental support and love or by asking them to recall a positive parental experience from childhood. This suggests that once you become aware of your propensity, you can actually change it by practicing certain behaviors. The question is what can you do to become more secure in your relationships? And I've discussed three main things that we can do. The first is to practice self-compassion, which is to be kind and compassionate to yourself, particularly when you fail at something or when you feel unworthy of others love and attention. The reason why being self-compassionate is likely to make you less needy and avoidant and make you feel more secure, is because what you're doing when you're self-compassionate is you're reversing the reasons why people become needy and avoidant in the first place. Not receiving sufficient of the right kind of love and nurturing from others. As we heard from Professor Kristin Neff, studies have actually shown that self-compassionate people tend to do better in relationships. Second, is to express gratitude. Studies show that people like to be around those who are grateful, so by expressing gratitude, you make yourself more likable and worthy of being around. And this, in turn, is likely to make you feel more secure. The final way, which is the way on which we really focused on in this week, is by exhibiting what I call the need to love and give, that is, by being kind and generous. Being kind and generous works in much the same way that gratitude does to make you feel more secure. When you're kind and generous to others, you build goodwill for yourself in their eyes. So the others are naturally likely to be good to you in return. And this sets up a virtuous cycle that makes you feel more connected and included in others' lives. In addition to making you feel secure in relationships, there are at least two other reasons why being kind and generous is likely to make you feel happy. First, it seems that it is part of our nature to be kind and generous. Maybe because as Mike Knowlton mentioned, we stand a better chance of succeeding as a group, as a species, if we cooperate with each other, than if we are selfish. Second, when we are kind and generous we feel more competent and capable and this in turn, makes us feel happy and good. Now, if you are someone who's been practicing kindness and generosity for awhile. You may be wondering whether there is yet another reason why being kind and generous makes you feel happy. A sense of love and compassion that you end up feeling for other people that naturally makes you feel more happy. I think there is something to this idea. Barbara Fredrickson explores this idea quite well in her excellent book, Love 2.0, which I would highly recommend. Another person, who has not just explored the idea of how being kind and generous makes you feel happier by triggering what he calls an inner transformation. Which is really the same thing as making love blossom in your heart, is Nipun Mehta. Just in case you don't know Nipun, he is in my opinion, one of the most inspiring human beings in the world. You can learn more about Nipun and what he does by watching the next video, which is an optional called, called Interview with Nipun. Meanwhile, just to give you a quick idea of what Nipun means by this inner transformation that happens when you're kind and compassionate. Let me play you a brief clip from a TED talk that Nipun recently gave. As you will see in the clip, Nipun talks of this regular old guy called Julio Diaz, and what happened to him as he got off from a subway in New Jersey one day. Listen. » In the bottom right over there is this man that most of you may not have heard of. His name's Julio Diaz. Every day Joe. He lives in New Jersey. Every day, he takes the subway back home. One day he's getting off, and this kid comes up to him with a knife, and he says, give me all your money. He says, okay, well, here's my wallet. He gives it to him. Kid's about to run off, and then he yells out at the kid, hey kid, it's a little cold. Do you want my jacket too? [LAUGH] » The kid's blown away, he hadn't learned this in Robbery 101, so he comes back. [LAUGH] And he says, hm, okay, yeah, all right. But now when he comes back, very different energy, right? They start to connect. They start to bond. And Julio says, I'm about to go have dinner, do you want to join me? Also not in Robbery 101. [LAUGH] So they go to dinner, and they have this profound conversation. At the end of dinner, Julio says, I'd love to treat you, but you have my wallet. [LAUGH] So the kid naturally takes out his wallet and gives it back to Julio. And at that point, Julio says, can I ask for one more thing? Can I have your knife too? And very easily, very naturally, he gives it back to him. » There are many reasons why I love this story that we just heard from Nipun. » On reasons I love it is because it shows how, when you operate from a space or place of kindness and compassion, it evokes kindness and compassion in others too. Even if those that you normally wouldn't associate with kindness and compassion, like a model. Another reason I love it is because it shows you how when you're kind and compassionate and generous. It generates an inner transformation in you that makes you view the world a little bit differently. It makes you view the world from a position of love and kindness. And from this position, you can clearly see that everyone, even seemingly very self-centered, mean people even are capable of love and generosity. It is this inner transformation that is one of the key reasons why kindness and generosity enhances happiness levels. So, overall, there seem to be several reasons why being kind and generous can make you happier. Including that you it makes you feel more secure in relationships. It enhances your chances of success in your career. And it triggers this In a transformation that we just talked about. Given all these reasons it's a no brainer that being kind and generous is a much more reliable way to happiness than is being needy or avoidant. However, unless you are like the Dalai Lama, being kind and generous doesn't mean being indiscriminately giving to everyone and anyone, all the time. Findings show that unless you include yourself in your generosity, you're likely to burn out, and may even get depressed. This leads me to the final topic that we discussed this week, the three rules for giving. Firsts rule is to include yourself in your generosity. So be kind and generous to yourself even as you're being kind as generous to others is very important. This principle of course is, of course, very consistent with the idea of self-compassion. Second, it's important to try and get to see the impact of your generosity, since one reason being why being generous boosts our happiness levels. Is by making us feel competent and capable. Finally, it's important to have fun in the act of giving. Which is a rule that Catherine emphasized in the creative altruism exercise. With that, I'd like to conclude this video by mentioning two things. First, I'd like to invite you once again to see the optional video of my interview with Nipun Mehta. And second, I want you to complete the mid-course happiness measurement. As you may remember, we measured your happiness levels at the start of the course. And at that time, I told you that we'd measure it two more times. It's time now for the second measurement. You can click on the video titled ¨May cause Happiness¨ measurement to fill out the happiness scale. Mark Rowe. Until we see each other again. [MUSIC]
Happiness, 3.16 (V) Week 3 Video 11 - Summary of week 3
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[MUSIC] Ete-sen, my Ghanaian and other friends. In this video I want to recap everything that we've discussed this week. We started out with how, as human beings, we have a deep seated need for love and connection. This need goes by several names, including The Need to Belong. It turns out that this need is so prevalent and important that if it is left unfulfilled, we are likely to turn out to be psychologically damaged. In particular, if we don't receive a sufficiently high level of the right kind of love and nurturing as an infant, especially in the first year and a half of her life. We are likely to develop insecurities about relationships, and become either anxious and needy, or avoidant. Findings also show that our experience during childhood, and the tendency to be needy, secure, or avoidant Is likely to carry over into our adult life. We also discussed how neither neediness nor avoidance is good for happiness. There are many reasons why neediness lowers happiness levels. It makes us less attractive to others, and also makes us view ourselves in a negative light. The opposite of neediness, avoidance, isn't good for happiness either. Why? Because being avoidant makes us less likable to other people, makes our interactions with them more painful and less enjoyable and also lowers our overall satisfaction with life, including job satisfaction. So neither neediness nor avoidance is go. And so you might ask, what's the healthiest approach? What's the happiness maximizing approach to relationships? And that is to exhibit what researchers call secure attachment. Those who exhibit secure attachment are not afraid of intimacy, but at the same time. They aren't desperate for intimacy either. As it turns out, securely attached is the most prevalent category in the world, about 50% of us are securely attached. While about 25% are needy/anxious, and about 20% are avoidant. The rest of us, about 5% manage to be both needy and avoidant at the same time. As I mentioned earlier, whether we are needy, secure or avoidant is determined to a large extent by our childhood experiences. But the good news is that this doesn't mean that our propensities are set in stone. As we saw in some earlier videos, finding sure that people can be made to feel more secure by exposing them to words like hug or love. Or the stories of parental support and love or by asking them to recall a positive parental experience from childhood. This suggests that once you become aware of your propensity, you can actually change it by practicing certain behaviors. The question is what can you do to become more secure in your relationships? And I've discussed three main things that we can do. The first is to practice self-compassion, which is to be kind and compassionate to yourself, particularly when you fail at something or when you feel unworthy of others love and attention. The reason why being self-compassionate is likely to make you less needy and avoidant and make you feel more secure, is because what you're doing when you're self-compassionate is you're reversing the reasons why people become needy and avoidant in the first place. Not receiving sufficient of the right kind of love and nurturing from others. As we heard from Professor Kristin Neff, studies have actually shown that self-compassionate people tend to do better in relationships. Second, is to express gratitude. Studies show that people like to be around those who are grateful, so by expressing gratitude, you make yourself more likable and worthy of being around. And this, in turn, is likely to make you feel more secure. The final way, which is the way on which we really focused on in this week, is by exhibiting what I call the need to love and give, that is, by being kind and generous. Being kind and generous works in much the same way that gratitude does to make you feel more secure. When you're kind and generous to others, you build goodwill for yourself in their eyes. So the others are naturally likely to be good to you in return. And this sets up a virtuous cycle that makes you feel more connected and included in others' lives. In addition to making you feel secure in relationships, there are at least two other reasons why being kind and generous is likely to make you feel happy. First, it seems that it is part of our nature to be kind and generous. Maybe because as Mike Knowlton mentioned, we stand a better chance of succeeding as a group, as a species, if we cooperate with each other, than if we are selfish. Second, when we are kind and generous we feel more competent and capable and this in turn, makes us feel happy and good. Now, if you are someone who's been practicing kindness and generosity for awhile. You may be wondering whether there is yet another reason why being kind and generous makes you feel happy. A sense of love and compassion that you end up feeling for other people that naturally makes you feel more happy. I think there is something to this idea. Barbara Fredrickson explores this idea quite well in her excellent book, Love 2.0, which I would highly recommend. Another person, who has not just explored the idea of how being kind and generous makes you feel happier by triggering what he calls an inner transformation. Which is really the same thing as making love blossom in your heart, is Nipun Mehta. Just in case you don't know Nipun, he is in my opinion, one of the most inspiring human beings in the world. You can learn more about Nipun and what he does by watching the next video, which is an optional called, called Interview with Nipun. Meanwhile, just to give you a quick idea of what Nipun means by this inner transformation that happens when you're kind and compassionate. Let me play you a brief clip from a TED talk that Nipun recently gave. As you will see in the clip, Nipun talks of this regular old guy called Julio Diaz, and what happened to him as he got off from a subway in New Jersey one day. Listen. » In the bottom right over there is this man that most of you may not have heard of. His name's Julio Diaz. Every day Joe. He lives in New Jersey. Every day, he takes the subway back home. One day he's getting off, and this kid comes up to him with a knife, and he says, give me all your money. He says, okay, well, here's my wallet. He gives it to him. Kid's about to run off, and then he yells out at the kid, hey kid, it's a little cold. Do you want my jacket too? [LAUGH] » The kid's blown away, he hadn't learned this in Robbery 101, so he comes back. [LAUGH] And he says, hm, okay, yeah, all right. But now when he comes back, very different energy, right? They start to connect. They start to bond. And Julio says, I'm about to go have dinner, do you want to join me? Also not in Robbery 101. [LAUGH] So they go to dinner, and they have this profound conversation. At the end of dinner, Julio says, I'd love to treat you, but you have my wallet. [LAUGH] So the kid naturally takes out his wallet and gives it back to Julio. And at that point, Julio says, can I ask for one more thing? Can I have your knife too? And very easily, very naturally, he gives it back to him. » There are many reasons why I love this story that we just heard from Nipun. » On reasons I love it is because it shows how, when you operate from a space or place of kindness and compassion, it evokes kindness and compassion in others too. Even if those that you normally wouldn't associate with kindness and compassion, like a model. Another reason I love it is because it shows you how when you're kind and compassionate and generous. It generates an inner transformation in you that makes you view the world a little bit differently. It makes you view the world from a position of love and kindness. And from this position, you can clearly see that everyone, even seemingly very self-centered, mean people even are capable of love and generosity. It is this inner transformation that is one of the key reasons why kindness and generosity enhances happiness levels. So, overall, there seem to be several reasons why being kind and generous can make you happier. Including that you it makes you feel more secure in relationships. It enhances your chances of success in your career. And it triggers this In a transformation that we just talked about. Given all these reasons it's a no brainer that being kind and generous is a much more reliable way to happiness than is being needy or avoidant. However, unless you are like the Dalai Lama, being kind and generous doesn't mean being indiscriminately giving to everyone and anyone, all the time. Findings show that unless you include yourself in your generosity, you're likely to burn out, and may even get depressed. This leads me to the final topic that we discussed this week, the three rules for giving. Firsts rule is to include yourself in your generosity. So be kind and generous to yourself even as you're being kind as generous to others is very important. This principle of course is, of course, very consistent with the idea of self-compassion. Second, it's important to try and get to see the impact of your generosity, since one reason being why being generous boosts our happiness levels. Is by making us feel competent and capable. Finally, it's important to have fun in the act of giving. Which is a rule that Catherine emphasized in the creative altruism exercise. With that, I'd like to conclude this video by mentioning two things. First, I'd like to invite you once again to see the optional video of my interview with Nipun Mehta. And second, I want you to complete the mid-course happiness measurement. As you may remember, we measured your happiness levels at the start of the course. And at that time, I told you that we'd measure it two more times. It's time now for the second measurement. You can click on the video titled ¨May cause Happiness¨ measurement to fill out the happiness scale. Mark Rowe. Until we see each other again. [MUSIC]