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Happiness, 3.09 (V) Week 3 Video 8 - Why the need to love and give enhances happiness

3.09 (V) Week 3 Video 8 - Why the need to love and give enhances happiness

[MUSIC] Konnichiwa, my Japanese and other friends. In my previous video, I shared with you studies that showed that we have a deep desire to love and give. Even toddlers feel happier when they are kind and generous than when they aren't. Now, you might wonder why your own toddler, if you have one, isn't as generous as the ones in these studies. The reason is because you have bad genes. » [LAUGH] » I'm just kidding. The truth is, although toddlers have a high need to love and give, they're also quite self-centered at the same time, but we all knew this already. We knew that kids can be quite selfish, although of course in a very cute sort of way. What we didn't know as much is that they also have a high need to love and give. So in other words, it's not one way or the other, selfishness or selflessness. We have both qualities in us, just like we have both the desire for superiority and the desire for flow. The question is, which of these two needs is stronger? And the answer to that question is, it depends. It depends on several factors, including the type of circumstances in which we are raised, the type of of circumstances in which we find ourselves, what are the cultural norms, and so on. If we were raised to be kind and generous and if we find ourself in a culture that encourages kindness and generosity and we see it all around us, then that's what we're likely to exhibit. On the other hand, if you're raised to be self-centered and greedy, and we find ourselves in a culture that in which everybody behaves that way, then that's what we'll be like. So, from the standpoint of what's our true nature, the answer is probably both. But from the standpoint of maximizing happiness, the answer is not both. The answer is the need to love and give. One reason why the need to love and give makes us happy is because we seem hard-wired for kindness, similar to how we are hard-wired to eat food high in energy like sugar and fat. Another reason why the need to love and give boosts happiness levels is because of the story you tell yourself when you're kind and generous. The story that you tell yourself is that I'm a competent, I'm a capable and effective person, and I can help others with my actions. Such a story as you can imagine makes you feel quite capable, quite effective, and this, in turn, makes you feel happy. Here's Mike Norton, one more time, summarizing for us this idea that a big reason why being generous boosts happiness levels is because it makes us feel competent and capable. Listen. » One of the key things that makes you happy when you give is actually the feeling that you've had a positive impact on another person, and the feeling you're having an impact on the world is good for our well-being and all the domains. So it isn't just having an impact on someone else, it's having any kind of impact on anything because it makes us feel like we're competent and capable people. » Another reason why being generous makes us happy is because of reciprocity. When you are kind and generous, others like you better, and therefore, they are likely to be loving and kind to you in return. We already saw some evidence for this in a study that I described last week. Remember the study by Sara Algoe ad her colleagues with the sorority sisters where they found that those who were more grateful to their seniors made more friends? Being grateful is one way to be kind and generous. Another way to be kind and generous is by doing good to others, example by volunteering for a social cause or by being helpful to your colleagues. Adam Grant, a Wharton professor, has reviewed a lot of research on the impact of generosity and success, and he has found that it is the generous and helpful people who end up being more successful in their professions. You may find this difficult to believe, so I'm going to summarize the findings for us in the next video. But just to give you a little bit of a flavor for what the findings show, consider this findings by the economist Arthur Brooks. Brooks analyzed data from over 30,000 Americans, and here is what he found. He found that for every additional dollar that somebody earns, giving to charity went up by 14 cents. Not bad. This study says that people are kinder when they are richer. The more the money they get, on average, people are willing to spend about 14% of their extra earnings on charity. But here is something even more amazing. For every dollar donated, income goes up by $3.75. This is such an astounding finding that I think it's worth repeating. For every additional dollar that you earn, you donate 14 cents more to charity. But for every additional dollar that you donate, you earn $3 and 75 cents more. Here is how Adam Grant summarizes his finding in his book. Surprising as it seems, people who give more go on to earn more. Does this mean that you're likely to become really, really rich and successful if you donate all your money to charity? Clearly, the answer is no. Giving indiscriminately is also not such a good thing for either happiness or success. What this means as I mentioned briefly in the last video is that you need to be smart about giving. You need to make sure that you don't become what Adam Grant calls a selfless giver, someone who's so indiscriminate about giving that you end up hurting yourself and burning out. What you want to be instead is what Adam Grant calls an otherish giver, someone who protects your own self-interest even as you're focused on helping other people. It turns out that it is the otherish givers who end up being most successful in life, not just in their careers but also successful in terms of helping other people because they don't burn out. But where exactly does this lie line between selfless giving and otherish giving? In other words, what are the rules for giving so that you can maximize not just your happiness but also your chances of success? That's a question I will tackle in the next video. Sayonara and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]


3.09 (V) Week 3 Video 8 - Why the need to love and give enhances happiness

[MUSIC] Konnichiwa, my Japanese and other friends. In my previous video, I shared with you studies that showed that we have a deep desire to love and give. Even toddlers feel happier when they are kind and generous than when they aren't. Now, you might wonder why your own toddler, if you have one, isn't as generous as the ones in these studies. The reason is because you have bad genes. » [LAUGH] » I'm just kidding. The truth is, although toddlers have a high need to love and give, they're also quite self-centered at the same time, but we all knew this already. We knew that kids can be quite selfish, although of course in a very cute sort of way. What we didn't know as much is that they also have a high need to love and give. So in other words, it's not one way or the other, selfishness or selflessness. We have both qualities in us, just like we have both the desire for superiority and the desire for flow. The question is, which of these two needs is stronger? And the answer to that question is, it depends. It depends on several factors, including the type of circumstances in which we are raised, the type of of circumstances in which we find ourselves, what are the cultural norms, and so on. If we were raised to be kind and generous and if we find ourself in a culture that encourages kindness and generosity and we see it all around us, then that's what we're likely to exhibit. On the other hand, if you're raised to be self-centered and greedy, and we find ourselves in a culture that in which everybody behaves that way, then that's what we'll be like. So, from the standpoint of what's our true nature, the answer is probably both. But from the standpoint of maximizing happiness, the answer is not both. The answer is the need to love and give. One reason why the need to love and give makes us happy is because we seem hard-wired for kindness, similar to how we are hard-wired to eat food high in energy like sugar and fat. Another reason why the need to love and give boosts happiness levels is because of the story you tell yourself when you're kind and generous. The story that you tell yourself is that I'm a competent, I'm a capable and effective person, and I can help others with my actions. Such a story as you can imagine makes you feel quite capable, quite effective, and this, in turn, makes you feel happy. Here's Mike Norton, one more time, summarizing for us this idea that a big reason why being generous boosts happiness levels is because it makes us feel competent and capable. Listen. » One of the key things that makes you happy when you give is actually the feeling that you've had a positive impact on another person, and the feeling you're having an impact on the world is good for our well-being and all the domains. So it isn't just having an impact on someone else, it's having any kind of impact on anything because it makes us feel like we're competent and capable people. » Another reason why being generous makes us happy is because of reciprocity. When you are kind and generous, others like you better, and therefore, they are likely to be loving and kind to you in return. We already saw some evidence for this in a study that I described last week. Remember the study by Sara Algoe ad her colleagues with the sorority sisters where they found that those who were more grateful to their seniors made more friends? Being grateful is one way to be kind and generous. Another way to be kind and generous is by doing good to others, example by volunteering for a social cause or by being helpful to your colleagues. Adam Grant, a Wharton professor, has reviewed a lot of research on the impact of generosity and success, and he has found that it is the generous and helpful people who end up being more successful in their professions. You may find this difficult to believe, so I'm going to summarize the findings for us in the next video. But just to give you a little bit of a flavor for what the findings show, consider this findings by the economist Arthur Brooks. Brooks analyzed data from over 30,000 Americans, and here is what he found. He found that for every additional dollar that somebody earns, giving to charity went up by 14 cents. Not bad. This study says that people are kinder when they are richer. The more the money they get, on average, people are willing to spend about 14% of their extra earnings on charity. But here is something even more amazing. For every dollar donated, income goes up by $3.75. This is such an astounding finding that I think it's worth repeating. For every additional dollar that you earn, you donate 14 cents more to charity. But for every additional dollar that you donate, you earn $3 and 75 cents more. Here is how Adam Grant summarizes his finding in his book. Surprising as it seems, people who give more go on to earn more. Does this mean that you're likely to become really, really rich and successful if you donate all your money to charity? Clearly, the answer is no. Giving indiscriminately is also not such a good thing for either happiness or success. What this means as I mentioned briefly in the last video is that you need to be smart about giving. You need to make sure that you don't become what Adam Grant calls a selfless giver, someone who's so indiscriminate about giving that you end up hurting yourself and burning out. What you want to be instead is what Adam Grant calls an otherish giver, someone who protects your own self-interest even as you're focused on helping other people. It turns out that it is the otherish givers who end up being most successful in life, not just in their careers but also successful in terms of helping other people because they don't burn out. But where exactly does this lie line between selfless giving and otherish giving? In other words, what are the rules for giving so that you can maximize not just your happiness but also your chances of success? That's a question I will tackle in the next video. Sayonara and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]