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Happiness, 3.04 (V) Week 3 Video 4 - Why avoidance lowers happiness

3.04 (V) Week 3 Video 4 - Why avoidance lowers happiness

[MUSIC] Zdravstvujte, my Russian and other friends. The last video I told you how being needy is not good for happiness. In this video, I want to discuss why the opposite of being needy, being avoidant isn't good for happiness either. There are several reasons why avoidance is bad for happiness. But before I get into those reasons, let me first mention why feeling like you don't need the love of others to be happy can be so alluring in theory. One reason is because of autonomy and freedom. We all seek freedom and autonomy. So the idea that we can be totally happy just by ourselves without having to depend on other people can be a very seductive idea. When we tell ourselves the story that we don't need anyone else, we feel that we're independent and free. The problem is, however, that whether we like it or not, and whether we know it or not. We're all hugely dependent on other people. The way to autonomy and freedom is actually not by becoming avoidant. There is another way to do it, which I will get to in a future video. Another reason why being avoidant sounds so good in theory Is because it sounds like the kind of thing that a mentally strong person would do. This is why we admire figures like Rambo and John Wayne or Amitabh Bachchan in Sholay. However the appearance of being strong and independent is often just that. It's a facade. And the desire to put up this facade is a big reason why many men don't seek help when they are depressed or have psychological problems. As my colleague Aaron Rochlen and I observed in an article that we published in 2002. The reality is that no man, or woman, for that matter, is an island. Ayn Rand might have propagated the theory very successfully, but as human beings, we need to feel connected to others. Only sociopaths don't have that desire. Now, getting to why the philosophy of going it alone, or being avoidant, lowers happiness. One reason is that it goes against our very nature. As we have seen across so many studies that I discussed the previous videos, as human beings, we are a highly social species. We need love and attention of other in order to be happy. One study showed that every single one of the top 10% of the happiest people in the study Had at least one really meaningful and intimate relationship. So, if you want to belong to this top 10% of the happiest people, having deep and intimate connections is no longer a luxury, it's a necessity. This means, that by going it alone you'll be denying yourself the opportunity to belong to the happiest group. A second reason why being avoidant is likely to lower your happiness is because avoidants in general, get less cooperation from other people. Avoidants tend to not share their emotions and feelings with others. This in turn, makes them difficult to relate to. One study found that it was the leaders who are willing to share how they feel, including their fears and their weaknesses. And in securities that are more appreciated by their subordinates. A third related reason why avoidant people are likely to be less happy has to do with how satisfied they are with others. Imagine that you are in a situation in which you need help. All of us, of course, at one point or the other, will definitely be in a situation like that. It turns out that avoidants generally tends to be less satisfied with the help that they get from others. Even if it's the same level of help that other people are getting. As a result of all these reasons, avoiders are likely to be least happy at work. One study showed that avoiders had the lowest levels of job satisfaction, even lower than that of the needy. So in all, there are seven reasons why being avoidant is not good for happiness. First, it is not in our nature to be avoidant. Second, being avoidant makes us disliked by our colleagues. Third, it makes us dislike others when we are looking for help from them. Finally, it makes us dissatisfied at work. For all these reasons, it's better not to be avoidant. In addition to all these reasons, there is another reason why being avoidant leads to unhappiness. And that's because, when you're avoidant, you feel lonely. Of course, avoidants are the ones who seek not to be in intimate relationships. And so you would think that they wouldn't or shouldn't feel lonely if they aren't in relationships. But it turns out that the story is more complicated than that. Here is Professor Phillip Shaver, the professor from UC Davis again, telling us how this works. » Avoidant ones feel alienated. I would say so, and this interested me a lot, because they are doing, they're the ones creating the distance, but they're suffering from it at the same time. And they don't, as with any kind of neurotic process. They don't draw the logical conclusion that if they let down their guard and were more open, they wouldn't feel as alienated. » So to summarize, as we saw from the previous video, being needy is not good for happiness. And as we saw in this video, the opposite of being needy, being avoidant or going it alone, is not good for happiness either. So the question then is, what's best if you want to be happy? And that's what I will discuss in the next video. Raj Raghunathan, till then. [MUSIC]


3.04 (V) Week 3 Video 4 - Why avoidance lowers happiness

[MUSIC] Zdravstvujte, my Russian and other friends. The last video I told you how being needy is not good for happiness. In this video, I want to discuss why the opposite of being needy, being avoidant isn't good for happiness either. There are several reasons why avoidance is bad for happiness. But before I get into those reasons, let me first mention why feeling like you don't need the love of others to be happy can be so alluring in theory. One reason is because of autonomy and freedom. We all seek freedom and autonomy. So the idea that we can be totally happy just by ourselves without having to depend on other people can be a very seductive idea. When we tell ourselves the story that we don't need anyone else, we feel that we're independent and free. The problem is, however, that whether we like it or not, and whether we know it or not. We're all hugely dependent on other people. The way to autonomy and freedom is actually not by becoming avoidant. There is another way to do it, which I will get to in a future video. Another reason why being avoidant sounds so good in theory Is because it sounds like the kind of thing that a mentally strong person would do. This is why we admire figures like Rambo and John Wayne or Amitabh Bachchan in Sholay. However the appearance of being strong and independent is often just that. It's a facade. And the desire to put up this facade is a big reason why many men don't seek help when they are depressed or have psychological problems. As my colleague Aaron Rochlen and I observed in an article that we published in 2002. The reality is that no man, or woman, for that matter, is an island. Ayn Rand might have propagated the theory very successfully, but as human beings, we need to feel connected to others. Only sociopaths don't have that desire. Now, getting to why the philosophy of going it alone, or being avoidant, lowers happiness. One reason is that it goes against our very nature. As we have seen across so many studies that I discussed the previous videos, as human beings, we are a highly social species. We need love and attention of other in order to be happy. One study showed that every single one of the top 10% of the happiest people in the study Had at least one really meaningful and intimate relationship. So, if you want to belong to this top 10% of the happiest people, having deep and intimate connections is no longer a luxury, it's a necessity. This means, that by going it alone you'll be denying yourself the opportunity to belong to the happiest group. A second reason why being avoidant is likely to lower your happiness is because avoidants in general, get less cooperation from other people. Avoidants tend to not share their emotions and feelings with others. This in turn, makes them difficult to relate to. One study found that it was the leaders who are willing to share how they feel, including their fears and their weaknesses. And in securities that are more appreciated by their subordinates. A third related reason why avoidant people are likely to be less happy has to do with how satisfied they are with others. Imagine that you are in a situation in which you need help. All of us, of course, at one point or the other, will definitely be in a situation like that. It turns out that avoidants generally tends to be less satisfied with the help that they get from others. Even if it's the same level of help that other people are getting. As a result of all these reasons, avoiders are likely to be least happy at work. One study showed that avoiders had the lowest levels of job satisfaction, even lower than that of the needy. So in all, there are seven reasons why being avoidant is not good for happiness. First, it is not in our nature to be avoidant. Second, being avoidant makes us disliked by our colleagues. Third, it makes us dislike others when we are looking for help from them. Finally, it makes us dissatisfied at work. For all these reasons, it's better not to be avoidant. In addition to all these reasons, there is another reason why being avoidant leads to unhappiness. And that's because, when you're avoidant, you feel lonely. Of course, avoidants are the ones who seek not to be in intimate relationships. And so you would think that they wouldn't or shouldn't feel lonely if they aren't in relationships. But it turns out that the story is more complicated than that. Here is Professor Phillip Shaver, the professor from UC Davis again, telling us how this works. » Avoidant ones feel alienated. I would say so, and this interested me a lot, because they are doing, they're the ones creating the distance, but they're suffering from it at the same time. And they don't, as with any kind of neurotic process. They don't draw the logical conclusion that if they let down their guard and were more open, they wouldn't feel as alienated. » So to summarize, as we saw from the previous video, being needy is not good for happiness. And as we saw in this video, the opposite of being needy, being avoidant or going it alone, is not good for happiness either. So the question then is, what's best if you want to be happy? And that's what I will discuss in the next video. Raj Raghunathan, till then. [MUSIC]