×

We use cookies to help make LingQ better. By visiting the site, you agree to our cookie policy.

image

Happiness, 3.03 (V) Week 3 Video 3 - Why neediness lowers happiness

3.03 (V) Week 3 Video 3 - Why neediness lowers happiness

[MUSIC] Bonjour, my French friends and other friends too. It's really great to see you again. If you have seen the movie, Jerry Maguire, you know the scene where Tom Cruise says to Renee Zellweger You complete me. Here let me play that clip for you just in case you haven't seen the movie. » I love you. You complete me. And I just had- » Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello. » The idea that we are incomplete by ourselves, and that we need somebody else to complete us is propagated in the virtually thousands of books and movies every year. And, we all seem to instinctively buy into this idea, which is why these chick flicks are so popular. And why many of us have such a deep desire to be loved. But as you've probably realized from personal experience, even though being loved and nurtured, and having the sense of connection with others is very important, being needy is not the way to get the love and nuturance that you seek. Why? The reason is because, to put it bluntly, being needy is not attractive. There are many reasons for this. One reason has to do with scarcity. We value things more and like them more when they're scarce. This is why, even though water is obviously more important for survival than say, gold or diamonds are, water is relatively inexpensive and gold and diamonds are so much more expensive. This is because gold and diamonds are scarce. If gold and diamond were all around us, and easy to find like sand, you can bet that we wouldn't value them as much. This is also why many cable marketers have discovered that a really effective way to sell a product is to make it appear as if it's scarce. One study found that the amount of sales off an item is likely to go up when there is a limit on the quantity of their item you can buy. For example, when there is a sign saying, limit 12 cans of Campbell's soup per customer, sales of the cans go up to seven cans, on average. When there is no limit, customers buy, on average, only 3.3 cans. You may remember from Mark Twain's famous story of Tom Sawyer, that Tom too uses the scarcity principle to get his friends to paint a fence for him. In this story, Tom does something naughty and his Aunt Polly punishes him by ordering him to paint the fence. Tom doesn't really want to do this, he would rather play with his friends. But he can't very well disobey his Aunt. So what does he do? When his friends show up, Tom acts as if he's totally into painting the fence, as if he's having flow moment painting the fence. This makes his friends very curious, and they now want to experience the same flow. But Tom acts as if he doesn't want to give up the enjoyment he's deriving problem of painting the fence. Eventually his friends start offering Tom all kinds of goodies to let them have an opportunity to paint the fence. By using the scarcity principle, that is by making it difficult for his friends to get the opportunity to paint the fence, Tom doesn't just get his work done, he also gained some rewards from them in the bargain. Bob Cialdini, author of the wonderful book, Influence, Science and Practice talks about the various reasons why we value and like things that we are denied. He calls it the scarcity principle. What all these findings from scarcity tells us is that when you're needy that is when you're too easily available to somebody else which is the opposite of being scarce, other won't value you as much. A related reason why being needy is not so attractive is because of loss of respect. When you are needy, you're basically wiling to do anything and everything for somebody else. And so, that someone else starts taking you for granted. A third reason why being needy lowers happiness is because of the kind of people you are likely to attract to yourself when you are needy. It turns out that the needy people, the people who are needy attract those who are emotionally cold and distant, the kind of people that psychologists call avoidants. Why? Researchers suggest that this may be because the needy and the avoidants kind of in a way, complement each other and therefore, attract each other. Avoidance like to believe that they're strong and independent. So they like dating people who are needy because it conforms the opinion of themselves as strong independent types. The needy on the other hand find those on the other hand as strong and independent attractive and hence want to date them. As it turns out, however, although the needy may be attracted to the avoidant, they find being in a relationship with these avoidant people to be emotionally taxing. If you want to learn more about this topic of being in fulfilling relationships, I recommend a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Now let me move onto the fourth and final reason why being needy lowers happiness. This has to do with the story you tell yourself when you're needy. The story you'll tell yourself is, I'm incomplete, I'm fragmented, I'm broken, and I'm desperately in need of a companion to complete. An important subtext of this story is that I feel insecure about what I have to offer, and about my overall attractiveness to others. I fear that I'm undeserving and unworthy of others love and attention. As you can tell, such a story is not conducive for being happy. So, to summarize. Being needy is not good for happiness, for several reasons. It makes you less attractive to other people. It makes you less respected by others. And it gets you into the wrong kind of relationships. And finally, it makes you lose respect for yourself. So you might wonder it's better to let the pendulum swing in the other direction and tell yourself, screw love and belongingness, I'm going to be a lone wolf like Rambo and not depend on others for love. That is, you may wonder whether it is best to become avoidant. As I will discuss in the next video, however, that's not the solution for leading a happy and fulfilling life either. [FOREIGN] and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]


3.03 (V) Week 3 Video 3 - Why neediness lowers happiness

[MUSIC] Bonjour, my French friends and other friends too. It's really great to see you again. If you have seen the movie, Jerry Maguire, you know the scene where Tom Cruise says to Renee Zellweger You complete me. Here let me play that clip for you just in case you haven't seen the movie. » I love you. You complete me. And I just had- » Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello. » The idea that we are incomplete by ourselves, and that we need somebody else to complete us is propagated in the virtually thousands of books and movies every year. And, we all seem to instinctively buy into this idea, which is why these chick flicks are so popular. And why many of us have such a deep desire to be loved. But as you've probably realized from personal experience, even though being loved and nurtured, and having the sense of connection with others is very important, being needy is not the way to get the love and nuturance that you seek. Why? The reason is because, to put it bluntly, being needy is not attractive. There are many reasons for this. One reason has to do with scarcity. We value things more and like them more when they're scarce. This is why, even though water is obviously more important for survival than say, gold or diamonds are, water is relatively inexpensive and gold and diamonds are so much more expensive. This is because gold and diamonds are scarce. If gold and diamond were all around us, and easy to find like sand, you can bet that we wouldn't value them as much. This is also why many cable marketers have discovered that a really effective way to sell a product is to make it appear as if it's scarce. One study found that the amount of sales off an item is likely to go up when there is a limit on the quantity of their item you can buy. For example, when there is a sign saying, limit 12 cans of Campbell's soup per customer, sales of the cans go up to seven cans, on average. When there is no limit, customers buy, on average, only 3.3 cans. You may remember from Mark Twain's famous story of Tom Sawyer, that Tom too uses the scarcity principle to get his friends to paint a fence for him. In this story, Tom does something naughty and his Aunt Polly punishes him by ordering him to paint the fence. Tom doesn't really want to do this, he would rather play with his friends. But he can't very well disobey his Aunt. So what does he do? When his friends show up, Tom acts as if he's totally into painting the fence, as if he's having flow moment painting the fence. This makes his friends very curious, and they now want to experience the same flow. But Tom acts as if he doesn't want to give up the enjoyment he's deriving problem of painting the fence. Eventually his friends start offering Tom all kinds of goodies to let them have an opportunity to paint the fence. By using the scarcity principle, that is by making it difficult for his friends to get the opportunity to paint the fence, Tom doesn't just get his work done, he also gained some rewards from them in the bargain. Bob Cialdini, author of the wonderful book, Influence, Science and Practice talks about the various reasons why we value and like things that we are denied. He calls it the scarcity principle. What all these findings from scarcity tells us is that when you're needy that is when you're too easily available to somebody else which is the opposite of being scarce, other won't value you as much. A related reason why being needy is not so attractive is because of loss of respect. When you are needy, you're basically wiling to do anything and everything for somebody else. And so, that someone else starts taking you for granted. A third reason why being needy lowers happiness is because of the kind of people you are likely to attract to yourself when you are needy. It turns out that the needy people, the people who are needy attract those who are emotionally cold and distant, the kind of people that psychologists call avoidants. Why? Researchers suggest that this may be because the needy and the avoidants kind of in a way, complement each other and therefore, attract each other. Avoidance like to believe that they're strong and independent. So they like dating people who are needy because it conforms the opinion of themselves as strong independent types. The needy on the other hand find those on the other hand as strong and independent attractive and hence want to date them. As it turns out, however, although the needy may be attracted to the avoidant, they find being in a relationship with these avoidant people to be emotionally taxing. If you want to learn more about this topic of being in fulfilling relationships, I recommend a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Now let me move onto the fourth and final reason why being needy lowers happiness. This has to do with the story you tell yourself when you're needy. The story you'll tell yourself is, I'm incomplete, I'm fragmented, I'm broken, and I'm desperately in need of a companion to complete. An important subtext of this story is that I feel insecure about what I have to offer, and about my overall attractiveness to others. I fear that I'm undeserving and unworthy of others love and attention. As you can tell, such a story is not conducive for being happy. So, to summarize. Being needy is not good for happiness, for several reasons. It makes you less attractive to other people. It makes you less respected by others. And it gets you into the wrong kind of relationships. And finally, it makes you lose respect for yourself. So you might wonder it's better to let the pendulum swing in the other direction and tell yourself, screw love and belongingness, I'm going to be a lone wolf like Rambo and not depend on others for love. That is, you may wonder whether it is best to become avoidant. As I will discuss in the next video, however, that's not the solution for leading a happy and fulfilling life either. [FOREIGN] and see you in the next video. [MUSIC]