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Happiness, 2.01 (V) Week 2 Video 1 - The 2nd sin - Chasing superiority

2.01 (V) Week 2 Video 1 - The 2nd sin - Chasing superiority

[MUSIC] Aloha, and welcome to week two, of A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment. This week, we'll be focusing on the second deadly happiness sin, the second habit of the highly happy, and the second exercise as well. The second deadly happiness sin is something that most of us are culpable of committing and for very good reason. That's because it's a sin that most of us actually don't even realize that we committed. This sin is chasing superiority. That is, comparing oneself to other people on how rich, beautiful, famous, powerful, talented, smart, successful one is, and wanting to be better than everybody else at something or the other. Now before I tell you about why this is a sin, let me tell you a small story. [MUSIC] I brought you inside the toddlers play area in the gym at the wonderful campus of the Indian School of Business to tell you this story. When my son was three years old, he used to go to a daycare. I once had the opportunity to peep into his classroom to see how he was doing, and I saw something very interesting unfold. It was music class and the teacher, with a guitar in his hand, was trying to get all the kids involved in the singing. And this teacher was really good both musically and in terms of motivating the kids. But you know how three year olds are. Many of them are horsing around and goofing off. But not my son. I was really gratified to see that he was paying full attention to the teacher, trying to sing along with the teacher. It was at this point that I started noticing something a little more subtle unfold. Although my son was paying a lot of attention and singing, it turned out he wasn't the best singer in the whole group. There was another student in the class, let's call him Ben, who turned out to be the best singer. And the teacher started paying more attention to this kid, smiling and nodding at him a little bit more. He would look around at the other kids too, but he would longer just a little bit longer on Ben. And this, of course, encouraged Ben, who started singing a little bit louder and with a little bit more enthusiasm. And this reinforced a virtual cycle. As for my son, he became progressively quieter, and in about a minute or so, he started horsing around like some of the other kids. In the few minutes that I observed this drama unfold, it was relatively obvious that Ben had emerged as the teacher's pet. The most important kid in class. What this story tells you, is that even as kids, we are exposed to feedback that in subtle or not so subtle ways, pegs us as superior or inferior to the others around us. In the story that I just told you, the stakes weren't high. My son wouldn't have been denied food or otherwise punished for singing badly. Still, the teacher's preferential treatment of Ben had such a significant impact on him that he felt deflated enough to stop singing. And later that evening, my son would run up to me and tell me that he wasn't interested in singing anymore because he said I'm no good at it, Daddy. So you can easily imagine what the impact of others' judgment can have on us in situations in which the stakes are in fact quite high. Think for example of the impact that teachers' and parents' judgments have on high school kids who fail to get good grades. Or consider the impact of failing to acquire a boyfriend or a girlfriend, when everybody else around you seems to have at least one. Should we be surprised that the self esteem is at its lowest among high school kids? And should we also be surprised that by middle age, which is when most of us are forced to acknowledge that we haven't achieved as much as some of our peers have, we end up having such a rough time. A big reason why we seek superiority is to get others' approval, as the story that I just told you really epitomizes. When stand first in class or win a race, everyone around us, our parents, our mentors, our teachers, etc., they like us better. They say things like I'm so proud of you, I really admire you, or I don't know how you do it, you're so talented. You might know there is even a movie by that title, I Don't Know How She Does It. So, it feels good to be admired by other people, and this is one reason why we seek superiority. But that's not the only reason. Over time, we learn to respect ourselves more, and like ourselves more, when we are superior to others. Even if no one else is around us to pat us on the back and congratulate us, we feel good when we win. In other words, the fact that our self-esteem is tethered to how much better or worse we are compared to other people is another reason why we seek superiority. Now there's a third reason why we seek superiority. It's because it tells us that we are progressing towards something that's very important for us. A sense of mastery over some domain or the other. Now, lots of psychologists, particularly those working in an area called self-determination theory, have basically documented that mastery is one of our most important goals. We all feel happy when we know that we're doing something really, really well. But how can we know if we're doing something really well? One way, and this might actually be the most common way, is by comparing ourselves to other people, and see how well we do something compared to that. For example, if we know that we run a hundred meters race faster than anyone else, lets say in 13 seconds, we know that we are progressing toward mastery at running 100 meter races. On the other hand, 13 seconds is really not that fast, and everybody else around us can run it in 12 seconds, then we know that we still have a little more ways to go in order to achieve mastery in that domain. So if you are marooned on an island and you couldn't compare yourself to other people on some dimension, you really couldn't be as confident about whether you are progressing towards mastery at something or the other. So comparing ourselves with others and knowing that we are superior to them is one of the most prominent and clear ways by which we know that we're progressing towards this really important goal for us, the goal of mastery. In addition to these three reasons why we seek superiority, there's a fourth and a final one. We seek superiority because of the desire for autonomy. When we are superior we feel that we have the freedom to behave just as we please. That is, we don't feel as much of a pressure to take to tailor our behaviors and decisions to others' tastes and whims. This is one reason why bosses feel that they have greater freedom and autonomy to behave as they want compared to their inferiors, namely their subordinates. So it turns out that in addition to mastery and self esteem and others' approval, autonomy is a big reason why we chase the need for superiority. And it turns out autonomy is actually one of those big goals again, according to self-determination theory. On par, some would say even more important than, the goal of mastery. So in all, there are four different reasons why we seek superiority. To get others' approval, to boost our own self esteem, to progress towards mastery, and to have a sense of autonomy and freedom. Given all these four goals, it's no wonder, I think, that many of us don't just seek superiority, we actually chase it, feverishly that too. Like Attila the Hun used to chase the Romans. The question, of course, is what impact does chasing superiority have on our happiness levels? And that is the topic to which I will turn in the next video. See you soon. [MUSIC]


2.01 (V) Week 2 Video 1 - The 2nd sin - Chasing superiority

[MUSIC] Aloha, and welcome to week two, of A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment. This week, we'll be focusing on the second deadly happiness sin, the second habit of the highly happy, and the second exercise as well. The second deadly happiness sin is something that most of us are culpable of committing and for very good reason. That's because it's a sin that most of us actually don't even realize that we committed. This sin is chasing superiority. That is, comparing oneself to other people on how rich, beautiful, famous, powerful, talented, smart, successful one is, and wanting to be better than everybody else at something or the other. Now before I tell you about why this is a sin, let me tell you a small story. [MUSIC] I brought you inside the toddlers play area in the gym at the wonderful campus of the Indian School of Business to tell you this story. When my son was three years old, he used to go to a daycare. I once had the opportunity to peep into his classroom to see how he was doing, and I saw something very interesting unfold. It was music class and the teacher, with a guitar in his hand, was trying to get all the kids involved in the singing. And this teacher was really good both musically and in terms of motivating the kids. But you know how three year olds are. Many of them are horsing around and goofing off. But not my son. I was really gratified to see that he was paying full attention to the teacher, trying to sing along with the teacher. It was at this point that I started noticing something a little more subtle unfold. Although my son was paying a lot of attention and singing, it turned out he wasn't the best singer in the whole group. There was another student in the class, let's call him Ben, who turned out to be the best singer. And the teacher started paying more attention to this kid, smiling and nodding at him a little bit more. He would look around at the other kids too, but he would longer just a little bit longer on Ben. And this, of course, encouraged Ben, who started singing a little bit louder and with a little bit more enthusiasm. And this reinforced a virtual cycle. As for my son, he became progressively quieter, and in about a minute or so, he started horsing around like some of the other kids. In the few minutes that I observed this drama unfold, it was relatively obvious that Ben had emerged as the teacher's pet. The most important kid in class. What this story tells you, is that even as kids, we are exposed to feedback that in subtle or not so subtle ways, pegs us as superior or inferior to the others around us. In the story that I just told you, the stakes weren't high. My son wouldn't have been denied food or otherwise punished for singing badly. Still, the teacher's preferential treatment of Ben had such a significant impact on him that he felt deflated enough to stop singing. And later that evening, my son would run up to me and tell me that he wasn't interested in singing anymore because he said I'm no good at it, Daddy. So you can easily imagine what the impact of others' judgment can have on us in situations in which the stakes are in fact quite high. Think for example of the impact that teachers' and parents' judgments have on high school kids who fail to get good grades. Or consider the impact of failing to acquire a boyfriend or a girlfriend, when everybody else around you seems to have at least one. Should we be surprised that the self esteem is at its lowest among high school kids? And should we also be surprised that by middle age, which is when most of us are forced to acknowledge that we haven't achieved as much as some of our peers have, we end up having such a rough time. A big reason why we seek superiority is to get others' approval, as the story that I just told you really epitomizes. When stand first in class or win a race, everyone around us, our parents, our mentors, our teachers, etc., they like us better. They say things like I'm so proud of you, I really admire you, or I don't know how you do it, you're so talented. You might know there is even a movie by that title, I Don't Know How She Does It. So, it feels good to be admired by other people, and this is one reason why we seek superiority. But that's not the only reason. Over time, we learn to respect ourselves more, and like ourselves more, when we are superior to others. Even if no one else is around us to pat us on the back and congratulate us, we feel good when we win. In other words, the fact that our self-esteem is tethered to how much better or worse we are compared to other people is another reason why we seek superiority. Now there's a third reason why we seek superiority. It's because it tells us that we are progressing towards something that's very important for us. A sense of mastery over some domain or the other. Now, lots of psychologists, particularly those working in an area called self-determination theory, have basically documented that mastery is one of our most important goals. We all feel happy when we know that we're doing something really, really well. But how can we know if we're doing something really well? One way, and this might actually be the most common way, is by comparing ourselves to other people, and see how well we do something compared to that. For example, if we know that we run a hundred meters race faster than anyone else, lets say in 13 seconds, we know that we are progressing toward mastery at running 100 meter races. On the other hand, 13 seconds is really not that fast, and everybody else around us can run it in 12 seconds, then we know that we still have a little more ways to go in order to achieve mastery in that domain. So if you are marooned on an island and you couldn't compare yourself to other people on some dimension, you really couldn't be as confident about whether you are progressing towards mastery at something or the other. So comparing ourselves with others and knowing that we are superior to them is one of the most prominent and clear ways by which we know that we're progressing towards this really important goal for us, the goal of mastery. In addition to these three reasons why we seek superiority, there's a fourth and a final one. We seek superiority because of the desire for autonomy. When we are superior we feel that we have the freedom to behave just as we please. That is, we don't feel as much of a pressure to take to tailor our behaviors and decisions to others' tastes and whims. This is one reason why bosses feel that they have greater freedom and autonomy to behave as they want compared to their inferiors, namely their subordinates. So it turns out that in addition to mastery and self esteem and others' approval, autonomy is a big reason why we chase the need for superiority. And it turns out autonomy is actually one of those big goals again, according to self-determination theory. On par, some would say even more important than, the goal of mastery. So in all, there are four different reasons why we seek superiority. To get others' approval, to boost our own self esteem, to progress towards mastery, and to have a sense of autonomy and freedom. Given all these four goals, it's no wonder, I think, that many of us don't just seek superiority, we actually chase it, feverishly that too. Like Attila the Hun used to chase the Romans. The question, of course, is what impact does chasing superiority have on our happiness levels? And that is the topic to which I will turn in the next video. See you soon. [MUSIC]