
Mastering Your Emotions, How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others (1)
hey this is Leo for actualised org and
in this episode I'm going to be talking
about how to stop comparing yourself to
others and I'm going to give you seven
key reframes
or mindset shifts that you're going to
need in order to accomplish this we
human beings are really human chimps and
what this means
just like our chimp cousins is that
we're really addicted and wired our
brains are wired to care about status
our relative position in the social
hierarchy and what's quote unquote and
normal this is something that chimps
obsess about and this is something that
human beings obsess about even more and
so this is a really like a biological
drive in your mind and if you want to
unwire this it's pretty challenging not
impossible but challenging and what
you're going to need to do is you need
to start to look at the world and if
you're set to look at your social
situations in different new perspectives
that you may have not considered before
these are what I call reframes or
mindset shifts and I'll give you seven
of those here that will help you to do
this but before we get into those let's
talk about why we compare at all and the
different ways in which we do
comparisons so probably the most
important reason why we compare
ourselves to other humans is because it
gives us a sense of value or worth it
gives our life a sense of meaning and
purpose when I can know that well you
know at least I'm better than that guy
or at least I don't have the same
problems that she has or you know well
how am i doing relative to my siblings
to my brother to my sister how am i
doing relative to my parents you know or
my grandparents maybe my parents went to
college or they didn't go to college and
now I go to college how does that
make me as a human being this entity
that I am my ego how does that make me
special or different or valuable or
maybe not valuable so this is the issue
of self-worth and this is really tied in
with other human beings because the the
only way we can really get a sense of
our value so to speak is by being in
mesh in the social matrix with our
friends with our family letter coworkers
and with the media and just mainstream
culture and what we do is we we kind of
put these hidden labels or values almost
like numbers it's like we assign numbers
to different people like well that guy
is really rich
so his numbers really high and you know
I'm not as rich as him so my numbers a
little bit lower and then this whole
status game starts to be played and this
is uh this can be a real bog in your
life can really bog you down as you're
going forward and trying to self
actualize and really live your life
purpose and have just a fulfilling life
because that's what you want you want a
fulfilling life you don't really care
about value scanning and comparing
yourself to all the friends that's not
what you want so that's one reason why
and it gives us a it gives us an escape
from facing a really deep existential
truth which we don't want to face and
I'll talk about that as we go on another
reason why we compare ourselves to
others is because we're always afraid in
the back of our mind of being labeled
weird not normal somehow deviant somehow
outside the mainstream and that is
rooted in our deep fear of being outcast
from the tribe it's almost like a fear
of death it's a very visceral fear this
is why in middle school in high school
you spend so much time worrying about
whether you're weird or not and perhaps
the most terrifying thing that could
have happened to you is if your friends
thought you were weird because of your
haircut or the way you dressed and this
continues on even beyond high school
goes on in college and it goes on in the
workplace and really for most people it
just keeps going on until the end of
their lives because it's just like a
really deep seeded pattern that we have
another reason we can
pay ourselves to others is some people
do it for motivation they feel like well
Leo you know competition is a good thing
competition fuels me I like to compete
with people in the office I like to
compete with people in business gives me
a sense of thrill and it kind of puts me
on my edge and that's how I know that
I'm doing good you know when I'm beating
competitors so there's that kind of
reasoning behind it another reason that
we compare ourselves to others
is flat-out Envy which is really like a
feeling of lack this deep feeling of
lack it's like you see that someone has
something that you want whether it's
their physical appearance or their
intelligence or their business or their
their their girlfriend or their
boyfriends they have something you feel
like you really need and without that
thing you feel like your life can't be
fulfilling or satisfying and so because
of this you're comparing yourself to
others and you're always you know
playing this game in your mind like oh
if only I had that thing that that guy
has or if only I had you know the sense
of humor that she has or if only I had
the kind of career that that my boss has
then I would be all set in life then I
could relax and be happy so this is the
envy issue uh for other people comparing
themselves with others comes from this
real kind of narcissistic egotistical
desire to be the best that kind of pride
that you get by knowing that you're
number one a lot of athletes are fueled
by this a lot of successful and
competitive business people like CEOs or
politicians are kind of fueled by this
kind of like thirst for power like it's
kind of like there's just like your your
ego is tied when in with this idea that
you know well you know if I'm the best
mathematician or if I'm the best Olympic
weightlifter or if I'm the best you know
CEO in the world then you know that
means something for me that gives me
Worth and value and then my life has
this this nice juicy meaning to it this
significance that otherwise it wouldn't
have had so that's the ego issue and
then um I think the last one point that
I'll make is is this feeling of sick
curity so we compare ourselves to others
in the social hierarchy because we want
to be secure in our own top position so
as you're climbing the ladder at work or
at school or wherever you're climbing
this ladder and you want to get to the
top you want to become like the alpha
wolf you're tired of being the beta and
the gamma wolf you're moving your way up
to alpha so let's say you do become
alpha then what you do is you look
around you to make sure you know what
are all the betas and gammas up to so
they don't knock me down off my pedestal
because once your alpha on the one hand
is kind of nice because you have a lot
of power and prestige and people look up
to you but also it's kind of a downer
because the only place to go from number
one is down to number two and below so
you're always kind of like looking over
your shoulder and you're always insecure
in the back of your mind and you're
trying to maintain that top position and
therefore you tell yourself well I have
to compare I mean if I don't compare
myself then one of these betas one day
they'll rise up and they'll overthrow me
so those are just some of the reasons
right some of the reasons and these
probably all evolved from our ancestral
history where we came from from an
evolutionary perspective because we're
very tribal people and we lived in
tribes of fifty or a hundred people as
they as they as they say so you have to
play that game and it's almost like it's
not even a game it's kind of like a life
and death it feels like life and death
it doesn't feel like it's just a status
game right it feels like status actually
has something much deeper behind it but
the reality is is that most comparing is
actually neurotic and it robs you of joy
and satisfaction in your life and it
wastes a lot of your time and energy
dispersing it rather than focusing it on
the things you really need to be doing
in your life to self-actualize
so most comparing comes from low
self-esteem most comparing comes from
not owning your own life from not owning
your own uniqueness from just giving in
to blind mass conformity
from giving in to this lack this lie of
lack I call it the lie of lack which
basically means that you really feel
like if you lack something that somebody
else has that that that permanently
obstructs you from being satisfied ever
in your life yourself until you get that
thing or you get that position that that
person has that's the lie of lack and
then just in general this scarcity
mentality that a lot of us are born and
kind of indoctrinated into through early
childhood is that we just feel like for
some reason there's not enough resources
to go around we look at life and we say
well the people who are at the top you
know they have to fight to get their way
there and there's so many so many stop
spots there's only so many resources and
in the world everything is finite
there's no such thing as infinite
resources and so therefore we have to
fight and claw our way it's a
dog-eat-dog world and it's a kind of
zero-sum game if I win somebody else has
to lose kind of thing and all of these
things these are not really healthy
tendencies these are neurotic
dysfunctional tendencies so they can be
developed out of so just because the
human mind is kind of wired for status
and power and sensitivity to what other
people's values are does not mean that
this can't be outgrown and in fact the
mature psyche and the mature ego out
grows this and that's what I want to
help you to do here by sharing seven key
reframes or mindset shifts that will
help you to make this happen so here we
go number one and this one is very deep
this one I call self-worth does not
exist so which you'll notice with each
of these reframes is going to be kind of
taking a belief that you have a very
core assumption that you have about life
or reality or human relationships and
it's going to flip it on its head
that's what a reframe is it's kind of
the exact opposite so usually what we
assume is we assume that we have
self-worth and that some people are
worth more than other people
but actually the truth is this is a very
deep going into spiritual territory
consciousness work territory insight is
that no amount of accomplishments ever
gives you worth in life sit down one
time and actually question what is worth
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