Mastering Your Emotions, How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others (1)

hey this is Leo for actualised org and

in this episode I'm going to be talking

about how to stop comparing yourself to

others and I'm going to give you seven

key reframes

or mindset shifts that you're going to

need in order to accomplish this we

human beings are really human chimps and

what this means

just like our chimp cousins is that

we're really addicted and wired our

brains are wired to care about status

our relative position in the social

hierarchy and what's quote unquote and

normal this is something that chimps

obsess about and this is something that

human beings obsess about even more and

so this is a really like a biological

drive in your mind and if you want to

unwire this it's pretty challenging not

impossible but challenging and what

you're going to need to do is you need

to start to look at the world and if

you're set to look at your social

situations in different new perspectives

that you may have not considered before

these are what I call reframes or

mindset shifts and I'll give you seven

of those here that will help you to do

this but before we get into those let's

talk about why we compare at all and the

different ways in which we do

comparisons so probably the most

important reason why we compare

ourselves to other humans is because it

gives us a sense of value or worth it

gives our life a sense of meaning and

purpose when I can know that well you

know at least I'm better than that guy

or at least I don't have the same

problems that she has or you know well

how am i doing relative to my siblings

to my brother to my sister how am i

doing relative to my parents you know or

my grandparents maybe my parents went to

college or they didn't go to college and

now I go to college how does that

make me as a human being this entity

that I am my ego how does that make me

special or different or valuable or

maybe not valuable so this is the issue

of self-worth and this is really tied in

with other human beings because the the

only way we can really get a sense of

our value so to speak is by being in

mesh in the social matrix with our

friends with our family letter coworkers

and with the media and just mainstream

culture and what we do is we we kind of

put these hidden labels or values almost

like numbers it's like we assign numbers

to different people like well that guy

is really rich

so his numbers really high and you know

I'm not as rich as him so my numbers a

little bit lower and then this whole

status game starts to be played and this

is uh this can be a real bog in your

life can really bog you down as you're

going forward and trying to self

actualize and really live your life

purpose and have just a fulfilling life

because that's what you want you want a

fulfilling life you don't really care

about value scanning and comparing

yourself to all the friends that's not

what you want so that's one reason why

and it gives us a it gives us an escape

from facing a really deep existential

truth which we don't want to face and

I'll talk about that as we go on another

reason why we compare ourselves to

others is because we're always afraid in

the back of our mind of being labeled

weird not normal somehow deviant somehow

outside the mainstream and that is

rooted in our deep fear of being outcast

from the tribe it's almost like a fear

of death it's a very visceral fear this

is why in middle school in high school

you spend so much time worrying about

whether you're weird or not and perhaps

the most terrifying thing that could

have happened to you is if your friends

thought you were weird because of your

haircut or the way you dressed and this

continues on even beyond high school

goes on in college and it goes on in the

workplace and really for most people it

just keeps going on until the end of

their lives because it's just like a

really deep seeded pattern that we have

another reason we can

pay ourselves to others is some people

do it for motivation they feel like well

Leo you know competition is a good thing

competition fuels me I like to compete

with people in the office I like to

compete with people in business gives me

a sense of thrill and it kind of puts me

on my edge and that's how I know that

I'm doing good you know when I'm beating

competitors so there's that kind of

reasoning behind it another reason that

we compare ourselves to others

is flat-out Envy which is really like a

feeling of lack this deep feeling of

lack it's like you see that someone has

something that you want whether it's

their physical appearance or their

intelligence or their business or their

their their girlfriend or their

boyfriends they have something you feel

like you really need and without that

thing you feel like your life can't be

fulfilling or satisfying and so because

of this you're comparing yourself to

others and you're always you know

playing this game in your mind like oh

if only I had that thing that that guy

has or if only I had you know the sense

of humor that she has or if only I had

the kind of career that that my boss has

then I would be all set in life then I

could relax and be happy so this is the

envy issue uh for other people comparing

themselves with others comes from this

real kind of narcissistic egotistical

desire to be the best that kind of pride

that you get by knowing that you're

number one a lot of athletes are fueled

by this a lot of successful and

competitive business people like CEOs or

politicians are kind of fueled by this

kind of like thirst for power like it's

kind of like there's just like your your

ego is tied when in with this idea that

you know well you know if I'm the best

mathematician or if I'm the best Olympic

weightlifter or if I'm the best you know

CEO in the world then you know that

means something for me that gives me

Worth and value and then my life has

this this nice juicy meaning to it this

significance that otherwise it wouldn't

have had so that's the ego issue and

then um I think the last one point that

I'll make is is this feeling of sick

curity so we compare ourselves to others

in the social hierarchy because we want

to be secure in our own top position so

as you're climbing the ladder at work or

at school or wherever you're climbing

this ladder and you want to get to the

top you want to become like the alpha

wolf you're tired of being the beta and

the gamma wolf you're moving your way up

to alpha so let's say you do become

alpha then what you do is you look

around you to make sure you know what

are all the betas and gammas up to so

they don't knock me down off my pedestal

because once your alpha on the one hand

is kind of nice because you have a lot

of power and prestige and people look up

to you but also it's kind of a downer

because the only place to go from number

one is down to number two and below so

you're always kind of like looking over

your shoulder and you're always insecure

in the back of your mind and you're

trying to maintain that top position and

therefore you tell yourself well I have

to compare I mean if I don't compare

myself then one of these betas one day

they'll rise up and they'll overthrow me

so those are just some of the reasons

right some of the reasons and these

probably all evolved from our ancestral

history where we came from from an

evolutionary perspective because we're

very tribal people and we lived in

tribes of fifty or a hundred people as

they as they as they say so you have to

play that game and it's almost like it's

not even a game it's kind of like a life

and death it feels like life and death

it doesn't feel like it's just a status

game right it feels like status actually

has something much deeper behind it but

the reality is is that most comparing is

actually neurotic and it robs you of joy

and satisfaction in your life and it

wastes a lot of your time and energy

dispersing it rather than focusing it on

the things you really need to be doing

in your life to self-actualize

so most comparing comes from low

self-esteem most comparing comes from

not owning your own life from not owning

your own uniqueness from just giving in

to blind mass conformity

from giving in to this lack this lie of

lack I call it the lie of lack which

basically means that you really feel

like if you lack something that somebody

else has that that that permanently

obstructs you from being satisfied ever

in your life yourself until you get that

thing or you get that position that that

person has that's the lie of lack and

then just in general this scarcity

mentality that a lot of us are born and

kind of indoctrinated into through early

childhood is that we just feel like for

some reason there's not enough resources

to go around we look at life and we say

well the people who are at the top you

know they have to fight to get their way

there and there's so many so many stop

spots there's only so many resources and

in the world everything is finite

there's no such thing as infinite

resources and so therefore we have to

fight and claw our way it's a

dog-eat-dog world and it's a kind of

zero-sum game if I win somebody else has

to lose kind of thing and all of these

things these are not really healthy

tendencies these are neurotic

dysfunctional tendencies so they can be

developed out of so just because the

human mind is kind of wired for status

and power and sensitivity to what other

people's values are does not mean that

this can't be outgrown and in fact the

mature psyche and the mature ego out

grows this and that's what I want to

help you to do here by sharing seven key

reframes or mindset shifts that will

help you to make this happen so here we

go number one and this one is very deep

this one I call self-worth does not

exist so which you'll notice with each

of these reframes is going to be kind of

taking a belief that you have a very

core assumption that you have about life

or reality or human relationships and

it's going to flip it on its head

that's what a reframe is it's kind of

the exact opposite so usually what we

assume is we assume that we have

self-worth and that some people are

worth more than other people

but actually the truth is this is a very

deep going into spiritual territory

consciousness work territory insight is

that no amount of accomplishments ever

gives you worth in life sit down one

time and actually question what is worth