image

Mastering Your Emotions, How To Deal With Loneliness - Especially While Self-Actualizing (1)

hey leo here for actualised org and in

this episode I'm going to be talking

about how to deal with loneliness

especially when you're doing personal

development

[Music]

you

this issue of loneliness is a very

common problem especially if you're

doing personal development or any kind

of self-actualization work or spiritual

development work so if you identify with

that then this will be a great episode

for you and if you don't identify

yourself as some kind of self-help

junkie or being into personal

development yet if you're still kind of

new to all this personal development

stuff then maybe you're just here

because hey you feel lonely you feel

like you don't have as many friends as

your friends do or maybe you want a

relationship or something like that and

this loneliness keeps being a recurring

pattern for you and you want a solution

so this will be perfect for you as well

because we're gonna get to the root to

the rock bottom of what loneliness is

and why it's there and what the ultimate

solution is so the reason that this is a

very natural and common problem with

self actualize errs is because well how

else could it be I mean what you're

doing when your self actualizing is that

you are raising yourself above the

vulgar common masses the people who are

not doing any inner work on themselves

so you're growing yourself you're

meditating you're building good habits

you're trying to eat healthier you're

trying to be more conscious and and

you're trying to get all these different

pieces of your life into place and

you're trying to understand what reality

really is so you're seeking truth and

you're becoming more aware of your

surroundings and a lot of the

dysfunctions that exist within society

within your family within your social

circles and and so forth right so of

course as you're developing your

awareness here as you're growing the

people around you are going to be

beneath you in a sense because they are

doing the same work as you're doing and

in fact they're actively trying not to

do that work they're in denial about it

so of course they're not going to

understand the new insights are having

and some of the amazing experiences that

you're experiencing with your growth and

this is going to create a gap between

you especially with family members with

people that are close to you your old

friends

your values are gonna start to change

the way you're gonna carry yourself is

gonna start to change your behavior is

gonna start to change because what is

growth but change you're changing

yourself and of course people don't feel

comfortable when you start to change

yourself for a variety of reasons

because they are comfortable with you

staying the way you were and they don't

like being shown that they are lazy and

negligent in their lives by your good

example you see so naturally there's

gonna be a disconnect and you're gonna

feel like hey there's a real cost to

doing personal development which is this

loneliness that I'm incurring and this

is one of the reasons why a lot of

people stay away from personal

development and don't really get very

far is because as soon as they start to

do a little bit of personal development

they see that this is now taking them

into the loneliness territory and they

are afraid of this they don't want to go

down that road so they say well I'll

just stop and I'll just do what

everybody around me has been doing and

this gets them stuck so what's the

solution to this well I could give you a

very easily a big list of external

solutions go do pickup go hit on hot

girls have sex with them that's fun

right go drinking with your friends

build a large social circle play the

social circle game you know win friends

and influence people read that book and

then do what that book says or maybe you

want to be a workaholic so immerse

yourself in your work start a business

go start to chase money and success or

maybe join some volunteer group or your

church community your local community or

maybe some AAA group well maybe start

doing online dating or start a family of

your own that's good right your kids

will occupy you and give you company or

start a hobby collect coins there may be

joint sports go play golf or a go play

pick-up basketball or whatever or maybe

do Dungeons & Dragons and become a

Dungeon Master

do that or throw parties get a nice

fancy house throw parties once a month

and then be the host to play that role

of the host and you get people coming

there and befriending everybody do that

or maybe buy yourself a pet a dog or a

cat or some exotic animal and then

that'll keep the company for a good 10

20 years or hey come join the actualize

that work for them and you have a group

of people a support group for personal

development right but look at all this

this here although it sounds nice on

paper and it might seem like yeah I

should just pick one of those and do

that and that'll cure me it cure me of

my loneliness but look these are all

external solutions what is this really

gonna solve nothing it's not gonna

really solve your loneliness issue all

you're doing if you're doing one of

these is you're sweeping the problem

under the rug real growth requires

turning inwards I keep repeating that

because that's a huge theme and no

matter how much I tell you this you're

still way too much oriented outwards

with everything that you're doing in

your life which is why you're not

getting the kind of results from your

life that would really fulfill you and

you're always looking for more see the

reality is is that if you are going to

undertake the hero's journey which I've

talked about in the past if you're gonna

be a leader which I've advocated in the

past if you're gonna be a visionary

which I've advocated in the past if

you're gonna be a sage which I've

advocated in the past then you must face

this issue of loneliness really face it

not ignore it with an external

distraction but really face it on the

inside because take a look whether

you're gonna be a hero a leader a

visionary a sage what are you doing

fundamentally you're going offroading

see most people in life they stay on the

highways they stick to the Main streets

and you as being one of these heroes

leaders visionary sages what you've

basically set yourself as you know what

I'm not

satisfied with that I need to go

off-road and chart my own path through

life I need to find myself in life this

is the hero's journey and of course

there aren't gonna be any paved roads

there may be some gravel roads at best

but mostly it's going to be like hiking

through the mud that's what it's going

to be like and then you know hacking

through the forest I like this image of

hacking through the forest with a

machete that's really what it feels like

and you know that's hard work and you're

doing it all by yourself this is not a

group effort you cannot raise your

consciousness which is what all personal

development boils down to is raising

your consciousness you cannot do this

through a group effort which is why of

course all religious endeavors to do

that have failed it doesn't work that

way you have to enter the belly of the

whale all by yourself you have to face

all your inner demons all by yourself

not with your best friend not with your

Facebook buddies not even with your

spouse see think about this even you

yourself don't really want to look

inside and face your inner demons

head-on so how can you expect other

people like your family members and your

friends to join you in that process you

yourself don't want to do it which is

why you're looking for all these

distractions and while you're feeling

lonely and you're looking for some sort

of quick fix let me tell you why you're

lonely you're lonely because

fundamentally you're disconnected from

being and from your true self being is

such a beautiful and an amazing thing

when you're actually conscious of it

being being is what's happening right

this very second being is the substance

out of which everything is made all of

reality is being but you

don't really experience that you're not

connected with that because you're lost

in a landscape of conceptual

construction and you're living in the

past and in the future and this is a lot

more profound of a problem than you

appreciate at the moment so what needs

to happen here is you need to connect

back with being because as soon as you

do that you will realize that there is

there is no need for friends or anybody

else to be here to sweeten the present

moment being is plenty sweet enough by

itself in fact the magical thing about

being is that it's it gets even sweeter

in solitude once you're really going to

connect with being once you start to tap

into your true self you're gonna want

more and more time by yourself so that

you can really bask in the being and

really appreciate it

so what's the solution here the solution

is that you need to get serious about

your growth bite the bullet in this case

and face the solitude head-on you need

to expose yourself to the loneliness go

through that initial hump of being

lonely tame the loneliness connect

yourself to being and then center

yourself in solitude solitude is your

Center it's the thing that grounds you

if like the bedrock of your whole life

it's your compass because you return to

it to ground yourself in being and then

you make little forays out from this

Center of Solitude to interact with

people and you know you could be part of

society I'm not telling you that you

have to become a hermit for the rest of

your life I'm just saying you need to

face this issue seriously at least once

in your life and for many people they've

never done that they've always been

running away and what you don't want to

do is make the mistake of continue to be

running away decade after decade after

decade

until you're 60 years old and then

you're still dealing with this fear of

loneliness except now it's getting much

worse because now it's connected with

your old age and not being good-looking

anymore and it's even harder to find

friends it's harder to found find spot

spouses and girlfriends and boyfriends

and of course death is nipping at your

heels and this issue now becomes much

more challenging to deal with better to

deal with it now while you're still

young this issue of loneliness is a lot

deeper than it seems it's not just that

oh yeah you want some friends in your

life to keep you company because you

enjoy their company

at the very level at the ultimate

absolute truth level what you can

discover is that you are alone in this

universe

it's all just you

that's what non-duality means is that

there's nothing here but you you have

always been interacting with yourself

the whole time just not fully conscious

of that now that's a very deep insight

that I don't expect you to just

understand from hearing it in fact what



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hey leo here for actualised org and in

this episode I'm going to be talking

about how to deal with loneliness

especially when you're doing personal

development

[Music]

you

this issue of loneliness is a very

common problem especially if you're

doing personal development or any kind

of self-actualization work or spiritual

development work so if you identify with

that then this will be a great episode

for you and if you don't identify

yourself as some kind of self-help

junkie or being into personal

development yet if you're still kind of

new to all this personal development

stuff then maybe you're just here

because hey you feel lonely you feel

like you don't have as many friends as

your friends do or maybe you want a

relationship or something like that and

this loneliness keeps being a recurring

pattern for you and you want a solution

so this will be perfect for you as well

because we're gonna get to the root to

the rock bottom of what loneliness is

and why it's there and what the ultimate

solution is so the reason that this is a

very natural and common problem with

self actualize errs is because well how

else could it be I mean what you're

doing when your self actualizing is that

you are raising yourself above the

vulgar common masses the people who are

not doing any inner work on themselves

so you're growing yourself you're

meditating you're building good habits

you're trying to eat healthier you're

trying to be more conscious and and

you're trying to get all these different

pieces of your life into place and

you're trying to understand what reality

really is so you're seeking truth and

you're becoming more aware of your

surroundings and a lot of the

dysfunctions that exist within society

within your family within your social

circles and and so forth right so of

course as you're developing your

awareness here as you're growing the

people around you are going to be

beneath you in a sense because they are

doing the same work as you're doing and

in fact they're actively trying not to

do that work they're in denial about it

so of course they're not going to

understand the new insights are having

and some of the amazing experiences that

you're experiencing with your growth and

this is going to create a gap between

you especially with family members with

people that are close to you your old

friends

your values are gonna start to change

the way you're gonna carry yourself is

gonna start to change your behavior is

gonna start to change because what is

growth but change you're changing

yourself and of course people don't feel

comfortable when you start to change

yourself for a variety of reasons

because they are comfortable with you

staying the way you were and they don't

like being shown that they are lazy and

negligent in their lives by your good

example you see so naturally there's

gonna be a disconnect and you're gonna

feel like hey there's a real cost to

doing personal development which is this

loneliness that I'm incurring and this

is one of the reasons why a lot of

people stay away from personal

development and don't really get very

far is because as soon as they start to

do a little bit of personal development

they see that this is now taking them

into the loneliness territory and they

are afraid of this they don't want to go

down that road so they say well I'll

just stop and I'll just do what

everybody around me has been doing and

this gets them stuck so what's the

solution to this well I could give you a

very easily a big list of external

solutions go do pickup go hit on hot

girls have sex with them that's fun

right go drinking with your friends

build a large social circle play the

social circle game you know win friends

and influence people read that book and

then do what that book says or maybe you

want to be a workaholic so immerse

yourself in your work start a business

go start to chase money and success or

maybe join some volunteer group or your

church community your local community or

maybe some AAA group well maybe start

doing online dating or start a family of

your own that's good right your kids

will occupy you and give you company or

start a hobby collect coins there may be

joint sports go play golf or a go play

pick-up basketball or whatever or maybe

do Dungeons & Dragons and become a

Dungeon Master

do that or throw parties get a nice

fancy house throw parties once a month

and then be the host to play that role

of the host and you get people coming

there and befriending everybody do that

or maybe buy yourself a pet a dog or a

cat or some exotic animal and then

that'll keep the company for a good 10

20 years or hey come join the actualize

that work for them and you have a group

of people a support group for personal

development right but look at all this

this here although it sounds nice on

paper and it might seem like yeah I

should just pick one of those and do

that and that'll cure me it cure me of

my loneliness but look these are all

external solutions what is this really

gonna solve nothing it's not gonna

really solve your loneliness issue all

you're doing if you're doing one of

these is you're sweeping the problem

under the rug real growth requires

turning inwards I keep repeating that

because that's a huge theme and no

matter how much I tell you this you're

still way too much oriented outwards

with everything that you're doing in

your life which is why you're not

getting the kind of results from your

life that would really fulfill you and

you're always looking for more see the

reality is is that if you are going to

undertake the hero's journey which I've

talked about in the past if you're gonna

be a leader which I've advocated in the

past if you're gonna be a visionary

which I've advocated in the past if

you're gonna be a sage which I've

advocated in the past then you must face

this issue of loneliness really face it

not ignore it with an external

distraction but really face it on the

inside because take a look whether

you're gonna be a hero a leader a

visionary a sage what are you doing

fundamentally you're going offroading

see most people in life they stay on the

highways they stick to the Main streets

and you as being one of these heroes

leaders visionary sages what you've

basically set yourself as you know what

I'm not

satisfied with that I need to go

off-road and chart my own path through

life I need to find myself in life this

is the hero's journey and of course

there aren't gonna be any paved roads

there may be some gravel roads at best

but mostly it's going to be like hiking

through the mud that's what it's going

to be like and then you know hacking

through the forest I like this image of

hacking through the forest with a

machete that's really what it feels like

and you know that's hard work and you're

doing it all by yourself this is not a

group effort you cannot raise your

consciousness which is what all personal

development boils down to is raising

your consciousness you cannot do this

through a group effort which is why of

course all religious endeavors to do

that have failed it doesn't work that

way you have to enter the belly of the

whale all by yourself you have to face

all your inner demons all by yourself

not with your best friend not with your

Facebook buddies not even with your

spouse see think about this even you

yourself don't really want to look

inside and face your inner demons

head-on so how can you expect other

people like your family members and your

friends to join you in that process you

yourself don't want to do it which is

why you're looking for all these

distractions and while you're feeling

lonely and you're looking for some sort

of quick fix let me tell you why you're

lonely you're lonely because

fundamentally you're disconnected from

being and from your true self being is

such a beautiful and an amazing thing

when you're actually conscious of it

being being is what's happening right

this very second being is the substance

out of which everything is made all of

reality is being but you

don't really experience that you're not

connected with that because you're lost

in a landscape of conceptual

construction and you're living in the

past and in the future and this is a lot

more profound of a problem than you

appreciate at the moment so what needs

to happen here is you need to connect

back with being because as soon as you

do that you will realize that there is

there is no need for friends or anybody

else to be here to sweeten the present

moment being is plenty sweet enough by

itself in fact the magical thing about

being is that it's it gets even sweeter

in solitude once you're really going to

connect with being once you start to tap

into your true self you're gonna want

more and more time by yourself so that

you can really bask in the being and

really appreciate it

so what's the solution here the solution

is that you need to get serious about

your growth bite the bullet in this case

and face the solitude head-on you need

to expose yourself to the loneliness go

through that initial hump of being

lonely tame the loneliness connect

yourself to being and then center

yourself in solitude solitude is your

Center it's the thing that grounds you

if like the bedrock of your whole life

it's your compass because you return to

it to ground yourself in being and then

you make little forays out from this

Center of Solitude to interact with

people and you know you could be part of

society I'm not telling you that you

have to become a hermit for the rest of

your life I'm just saying you need to

face this issue seriously at least once

in your life and for many people they've

never done that they've always been

running away and what you don't want to

do is make the mistake of continue to be

running away decade after decade after

decade

until you're 60 years old and then

you're still dealing with this fear of

loneliness except now it's getting much

worse because now it's connected with

your old age and not being good-looking

anymore and it's even harder to find

friends it's harder to found find spot

spouses and girlfriends and boyfriends

and of course death is nipping at your

heels and this issue now becomes much

more challenging to deal with better to

deal with it now while you're still

young this issue of loneliness is a lot

deeper than it seems it's not just that

oh yeah you want some friends in your

life to keep you company because you

enjoy their company

at the very level at the ultimate

absolute truth level what you can

discover is that you are alone in this

universe

it's all just you

that's what non-duality means is that

there's nothing here but you you have

always been interacting with yourself

the whole time just not fully conscious

of that now that's a very deep insight

that I don't expect you to just

understand from hearing it in fact what


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