Married people and language learning
If your wife already knows the language you're learning and you need to spend more time with her, then forget every method you've heard and used up to now and do only this: use her as your teacher.
2 hours of chores and errands? Can you listen to mp3s while doing them?
I'm sorry if my original post sounded like "I spend all my time with my wife and have no time left" writing and trying to get my point across was never something i was good at soo bare with me. I regret having put up some of the details as it detracts from the point of why i wanted to post.
YES I do spend most of my freetime with my wife ( as a decision, something i WANT to do) HOWEVER Were not talking about hours and hours. Were talking about a few hours after work. Shes FAR FAR FAR from clingy or demanding. She's definitely not a problem at all. She doesnt nag at me , she lets me do what i want and is very encouraging with my language study. I let her do her things. We respect each other. I usually find time studying on weekends because i dont have to work or when she goes out with friends. The problem is , I spend ALOT of time working during weekdays and the remaining 2 hours of freetime I have at the end of the day I decide to spend with my wife. Why would i want advice on asking her to set part of the 2 hours aside for me to study? I dont want to be at the computer or away from her because I've been away from her / not talking to her ALLLLLLLLLLLLL DAY... So I was wondering how people deal with busy schedules and fit in the time to language study while not neglecting your relationship on purpose.
In my situation , I think that if i already spend the better part of the day ( 12 hours working at a computer and then 2 hours doing other choirs/errands ) I only have about 2 or so hours of "freetime". I love studying but i Love my wife even more lol. I rather spend the time with her because Its the only time i have to enjoy my time with her ( on weekdays that is). YEs i could ask her for an extra 30min at night to study but I dont want to. I wasnt looking for relationship advice about how to talk to my wife or how I can get her to let me language study. I was simply interested in knowing what are somethings that other married people do to find time to study languages. It's not her forcing me lol or nagging at me... Then again every ones in a different situation.. In my case its not a matter of "if she loves you shell let you". I literally don't have enough time and its not a problem with a clingy wife, We actually dont talk to each other most of the day because were both busy.
Anyways I've alot of good suggestions from other people in this thread. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to try doing Power breaks inbetween work. Ill see how that goes.
I second that, Skyblueteapot. You can't change a partner, but you can -- and should -- clearly state what's important to you. A good relationship should help both partners grow.
Despite repeated efforts by the original poster to try to convince us that partner's apparent need for attention is not the issue, it's what most of us got out of the question.
After all, the claim was not "I don't have enough time", but rather "I spend all my time with my wife and I have no time left".
Thank you Ilya :-)
I think it comes down to this: if your family are accommodating then you can incorporate a lot of language learning into your family life with very little disruption or expense. If, on the other hand, your nearest and dearest feel threatened by your taking an interest in other people or other cultures, then every day could end up feeling like a battle.
In other words, clinginess of boyfriends is greater than the summed clinginess of up to four family members. During our language conversations Helen, I've got a vague idea of your kids clinginess. I mean they are very nice and fairly unclingy kids. I am so happy you've already ridded of your boyfriend by then :-).
I have more time to myself with a husband and 3 kids than I had with a clingy boyfriend.
That may be the case by not always. Marriage can have the effect of settling your life down and leaving more time for more constructive pursuits.
You inevitably have less free time when you are married and when you have a family. That's what happens when you have responsibilities!
I don't know if married people have less free time to learn a foreign language than unmarried people. Besides, some married people might have more free time than other married people. But we are supposed to do what we want to do at our own risk. Nothing can be attained without any sacrifice. :-)
I listen to audio books in the bath, on the school run, on errands, in bed while falling asleep, while cuddling sick children, and while pretending to be asleep so they go to sleep too. Using my netbook I do LingQing while "supervising their play", ie just being around so they play more carefully. I get far more LingQ time than TV time these days.
I'm married with 2 tweens.
Whenever my wife watches TV or plays computer games, I study. When I go to bed, I read a little or I watch a Japanese drama. She reads a lot and I study at the same time. Sometimes, I study in the morning by getting up earlier than everyone else. On the weekends, everyone sleeps in but me, so it's my study time. Apart from that, I spend a lot of time thinking about Japanese and I can do that anywhere.
Studying Japanese is my main hobby. As much as I love my wife, I need to be able to have some time for my hobby and it's only fair that she understand this.
LingQing while sitting on the toilet bowl? Imaging watching it on Yo-Tube. Isn't it the best advertising ever made for lingQ?
May I ask, say, a thousand LingQ points for my great ad idea? I have not yet thought if it has s-th to do with spouses -:)
my situation is similar to yours somehow: I'm not married, but I live with my girlfriend (which pretty much is like being married), I am all day long at home, I study french and she is french. She doesn't teach me because she's a french teacher, and ends up pretty tired after classes, so I can't ask her to teach me french. Besides, she loves to speak spanish, and my french level is still too low to have a natural conversation in french with her.
We are both quite busy. However I can spend 30 min a day with LingQ (the truth I'm not that systematic, so perhaps one day I would spend 2 hours learning french, and then 3 days on a row without doing any practice; which is something I wouldnt recommend).
That said, here is a tip, I know you didnt ask for advice, but this might be helpful for a lot of us who spend a long time at home: you can write down some of the vocabulary that you learn, and post it in several places around the house. For example, you post the word "mirror" (if English is the language you are learning) on the mirror; the word "table" on the table, and so on... This does not only apply to vocabulary related with objects of the house, you can post the phrase "to have a nap" next to the bed, or "do you want a beer?" somewhre in the kitchen. Moreover, if your wife doesn't get mad about having all these tags around the house, or if you don't care much about keeping a beautiful decoration; you can also post pictures or drawings with their correspondent name-tag. This way, you get input all day long from the language you are learning, and most importantly you make the most out of working at home. Your house will look like a scrapbook, but then, you can study some vocabulary while cooking, or while sitting on the toilet bowl.
For long we were lacking that kind of advice! I have been always arguing for a better appeasing your spouse functionality at LingQ. This is as valuable as listening and reading. IMO, we urgently need to fix bugs in the new peaseSpauseMarklet :-)
Vi7, I meant they seem to have things figured out in terms of learning schedule and what works for them on a daily basis.... didnt mean it in the sense that they had language learning 100% figured out . Thats a whole topic all together =p.
Well, here is from a Japanese wife who has a Japanese husband. As a definition of Japanese husband(s), they rarely come back home before 11 pm. Therefore, the wives have to do most of the things around the house. Wait, it's too early to judge that our lives are so miserable, because then we can have a lot of free-time after sending the kids to bed. In this way, I can have enough time to do my own staff. Hey ladies, why don't you have a Japanese husband, it would be much nicer than you probably imagined :p I also totally agree with the method introduced by Helen: "Saying "yes dear" every 2 minutes works best with the under 10s".
Steve fighting an octopus? I think I saw that on YouTube once.
I have long hair and, when listening to Russian on my mp3 player, keep the volume down low enough that I can hear people when they talk to me. That way I get in 1 - 2 hours a day of listening, despite constantly being around other people who want me to listen to everything they say. Saying "yes dear" every 2 minutes works best with the under 10s.
My husband was bemused when I started learning Russian, seeing no practical purpose for it whatsoever. I kept telling him it's not illegal,expensive or fattening so he should count his blessings, and after 4 years, he's stopped grumbling about it.
Does this count as a wo-manswer?
Still, I think that if an octopus fights Steve, the octopus will win. ’Cos octopuses rule.
(Love the word *manswer*, by the way.)
That was a good answer, Steve.
People know what they're doing when it comes to studying languages? (I was just joking about Basque, btw.) That's a whole 'nuther topic and a good one.
"For much of my married life" I meant to say.
For most of much of my married life I have been involved in learning languages and my wife has not. There is always time, sometimes there is more and sometimes there is less. Listening and reading and vocabulary review have always been my learning methods, even before LingQ. Here are my real tips for success.
Do not spend your time listening and reading in a way that appears to your spouse to invade your time with her. That still leaves time for your own activities. There are spouses who read books, who enjoy different music, and different hobbies. Language learning should fit into that pattern.
Since I started with LingQ I have devoted more time to language learning. I find that with an mp3 player, I have more flexibility. I can listen anywhere, waiting in line at a store, exercizing or whatever. I find that I now volunteer for household chores, like the dishes and clean up, and garden work, more than before , because this is my learning time.
Aybee , Awwww no need to envy .. Seriously. Theres alot of negatives when your work is your hobby Trust me =p. I love my job and im happy i get paid to do what i do but sometimes I wish it was just a hobby =p.
I envy alot of other people here who seemed to know what their doing when it comes to studying languages =p.
You're very fortunate with your job. I'm envious.
Good luck to you.
I didn't read all the posts, but in my opinion the best way would be to convince your wife/husband to learn a language. In this way, whithout any doubt there wouldn't be any problem about listening with your headphones all the time because he/she would be doing the same.
This must be love...
I think you have work that you enjoy and it's creative. I think a lot of people would like to have a job like that.
I don't know how many hours you mean. The way I "study" is kind of the way, dooo finds time for languages. For me, it's not the amount of time, it's the quality of time and that's kind of how I think about family time as well.
Vi7 . How so? I only actively study korean a few hours a week maybe. Is that more time than you spend on your studying? I hope not =p.
My daily routine works pretty well but everything BUT studying.. I just havent been able to figure it out a routine that includes daily active studying. Hopefully it works out =p.
Keroro, I think your routine is better than mine, actually.
aybee77 : Thanks for the reply.. I forgot to say I appreciated the comment you added earlier about your situation. Yes I do have other hobbies.. The weird thing is one of my hobbies is my job at the sametime HAH! I draw/paint all day sooo 12 hour work actually takes care of 1 of my hobbies and i feel very satisfied in that regards. My photo/filming hobby is also somewhat fulfilled by my day job as I have to go out and take reference pictures. So in a way I have time for all my hobbies except language learning. Learning korean is at the top of lists of things to do outside of work But time doesnt always permit it unfortunately which is why i say my study schedule is very sporadic. And it isnt a problem with my wife at all. Its more a problem with me... I just need to figure out a schedule that permits me to reach my goal a bit faster than now!
dooo : YEah no kidding about the kids ( no pun intended 0_o). We've no plans for kids at the moment. Maybe when when around 30 years old. Yep, I know if i want more time studying i need to cut something out but right now there isnt anything to cut out I've a full schedule of important things I need to do.. If i was watching too much tv or wasting time doing meaningless things I would cut them out ( maybe i could cut out how much time i spend on these boards today =p )
Again I just find it interested to read about other peoples situations and where they find the time to study languages. Im crazy busy but I do find the odd time to enjoy some korean studying. I just wish days were longer =p
Well I guess it is just a matter of saying, ok these are my goals and I am going to set aside an "x" time a day to achieve them. Something else has to give, work-time, wife-time, or whatever else.
If you plan on having kids, better to do it now. You will have less time with kids biting at your ankles all day.
I see. So you DO have other interests. So I guess among your interests, learning Korean doesn't make the cut (of regular study). It's not as much of a priority, which is fine, we can't do everything. I have many other things I would like to do (guitar and piano, tennis, drawing, etc.), but learning Spanish was more important to me. There is never enough time to do everything we want to do.
Good question! We've been happily together for 6 years or so but married for over a year. When I say " spending time together" I dont mean like I wake up in the morning and then we decided together "OK lets spend time " together." HAHA.. Its a non conscious decision that just happens... We wake up , do our daily routin seperatly alll day until I'm done work by around 7pm Then we cook and do dishes together because its fun and we like talking to each other. We might watch something together ( korean or english) or go out for a walk because I've been working at the computer or we might just do more house chores. Point is by the time Were done everything its time to shower and sleep =p. Thats a typical day. We dont do that EVERYday. some days she might go out and meet her friends, other days i might go out and meet mine ( do our own seperate things). Thing is we just naturally want to spend time together at least a few hours after not talking to each other ALL day...
I mean I'm sure things will change after 10+ years , 20 years , 40 years.. But for now thats the kind of daily schedule were on. =p.
I might be going out on a limb here, but I think married people , with the exception of a "date" now and again, generally spend time together as an after thought, and not a daily focus. How long have you been married?
Vi7: Oh about my wife being a tutor. Nah she wouldnt be interested =p but I did get her to write and record 2 stories ( which are in the library). We both dont have any extra time the last 6 months. Might change in the future but for now no time. While I work 12 hours, my wife is either looking for work or studying english using her own methodes. After that We usually spend our time together doing house chores or going out for a walk or shopping or something. Which is Awesome and I never regret doing things withher instead of studying lol. when i dont work i love spending my time with her. Outside of studying languages i have my own hobbies like photography/filming and art. My wife has her own hobbies aswell. Sooo we have a good amount of alone time to do out stuff.... Its just hard to balance everything and I havent found a schedule that works for me.... Were both well aware of each others goals. My wife doesnt nag me if i decide to study korean shes increasingly supportive and gives me lots of patience. But just not enough time in a day to make it worth wild. In the end if i can spend time with my wife Thats what I chose over studying. For the amount of freetime That i have these days after im done work.
Soo yeah She has no time for tutoring =p. Just wondering how busy married people juggle it all while being productive with language learning.... Not something That i've figured out yet soo was interested to hear some replys on how people make it work.
Yes, days are too short :-)
No I don't do that. Of course I was joking. There is no answer. There is always a tug of war between the personal interests of spouses and the things they do together. No easy answers. My wife has her interests and I have mine and I make sure that I do not have my ears plugged when she wants to talk.
I also think that a little humour never hurts.
By the way Vi7, my wife and I have been stepping on each others' self-esteem for 42 years.
Ugh.. I know i said " the problem that im having " in my original post.. That was a bad word to use.. and now i wish we had a Edit post feature. Its not so much a problem.. its more like I dont have enough time in a day to do everything id like to do.. I've set my priorities to doing the important stuff and stuff i enjoy doing first like work, spending time with my wife and taking care of the house... Thats a choice i made.. The only thing i wish is more time in a day =p. I'm happy how thigns are now!
Just wnated to see how everyone deals with it and if they are having similar "problems"..
Thanks for those first 2 paragraphs.. its exactly the info i was asking about..
Third paragraph not soo much =p. I wasnt coming here with a problem. I regret not being clear what my original post. I actually have no problem and I'm not looking for a solution. I love spending time with my wife. at the moment most of the time I'm either working, taking care of house chores .. After that I rather spend time with my wife than Study.. Soo if i were to pick one its to spend time with my wife. I just wish there was more time in a day to do more thats all. I'm not complaining =p..
What I've learned from my marriage is that each person has the right to have his own live. Now I'm divorced but I have a boy friend since 8 years. To be married or to have a boy friend doesn't mean that you have to spend every single minute of your freetime with him or her. We have an agreement. After dinner everyone of us has 2 hours to spend with special interests. In my case I usually study languages during this 2 hours, I create content for LingQ, I tutor for LingQ, or I read books. My boy friend has a lot of different interests. Sometimes he studies at LingQ too. On weekends, we spend a lot of time together. That means quality time!
This works very well for us. We have found a good compromise between beeing a couple and beeing an individual. I think this is really important for longtime satisfaction. This is not selfish. It is self-protection. During my marriage I tried to spend every single minute with my husband. Each one of us felt unhappy at the end. Spending time with things you like let you be more satisfied, and this is good for your wife too.
By the way I've a job, a child, a boyfriend, a household, friends and many other interests. I recommend to speak with you wife. This is much better than to speak with us about this problem.
"I see that she goes out with friends, so she has no problems carving out personal time for herself. I suggest you do the same."
Astute. Maybe Steve's war of attrition is a good tactic..
I think I have to clarify as my initial post maybe wasnt clear at alll. People here are making it sound like i have an unsupportive wife and as if im having marital problems which completely opposite.
As i said in the original post
" I'm not looking for suggestions .. I'm just wondering how others who are married are able to learn languages while dealing with everything else =p. "
Again, I dont want suggestions or adviced about my own life haha. I'm not complaining, i just wish i had more time in a day =p. I choose to spend time with my wife. I'm happy!
I was simply wondering how other married couples schedule their time to get everything done and spend time together without the other feeling like their being left out.
Vi7: We do have alone time. And i spend it studying. But that alone time isnt everyday day because it depends on how much time i have to work. I also have to spend time with my wife Again, I wasnt looking for advice. Just wondering how others deal with this. In my situation i already spend alot of time on the computer and id like to spend time away for myself and for my wife.. its a choice i make. Dont want to neglect her and spend all my time on a computer. Not very considerate.
Jaime: I never said she wasnt supportive. Shes the most supportive thing i have in my life.... My whole point was that there just isnt enough time in the day for me to deal with everything because I'm already glued to the computer all day and both me and my wife want to spend time together. Something we enjoy doing ALOT. She helps me alot with my korean but unfortnately i cant spend the whole day working and studying because i have other thigns to do.
Doo: Thanks for the answer and staying on topic =p. Yah my wife is fully aware of my goals. But she has goals too and we compromise!!! No problem on my end just not enough time in a day ...
Steve: Thanks for the reply/ Advice =p.... If thats what you apply to your own life.. Thats pretty bawlsy =p..
Again everyone.. PLease NO advice.. im just interested to see how couples deal with everything =p...
Now, I know you are joking. I'm can't stop you from giving a "Manswer", but do you have good insurance in case your manswer results in the death of some LingQers?
I'd like to see the kind of opinions that you'd get about your uh, advice, at the other "forum" (The Linguist blog where Bortrun and dooo slugged it out over the IPA for more than fifty posts).
I'm not a feminist, I'm more of a pacifist. Never under-estimate the self-esteem needs of your spouse.
I also work from home. And good to know the time in which my wife will need attention. I do not borrow these hours. And she does not distract me when I teach English :)
I know you said you're not looking for advice, but I can't help it. Does your wife have any hobbies? I see that she goes out with friends, so she has no problems carving out personal time for herself. I suggest you do the same. Do you think she would want to keep you from doing something that you enjoy? Talk with her and see. Also, does that mean that you and your wife spend 5+ hours a day together? You do nothing other than work and spend time with her? Would 1 hour really bother her that much? Alternatively, maybe you two could study together.
Anyway, I am married with one 4 year old child. I do listen a lot during my commute, and while at work, or exercising. When I have conversations, my husband often helps by trying to keep her away. :-) My husband doesn't mind the time away from him spent learning. In fact, he is proud of my progress. Also, he realizes that the time spent doing other things helps me feel fulfilled as a person.
Dooo's advice is good too. Since Jamie agreed with me, he's a genius as well:)
I don't know for sure, but I think a lot of people do microbreaking. Is that a word? It should be. No, it's called taking a mini-break. This is how a lot of people learn languages whether they're admitting it or not. My husband laughs about this. He'll say something like, "Twelve minutes of French and three minutes of Basque." We can learn all the time if we try to find little moments of downtime and use them.
I am surprised at the negative reaction of others. You do have to work at it. There could be some initial negative reactions. But if she truly loves you...
Here are some tips that work for me.
Learn to say "yes dear" in English or whatever language you happen to be studying, at regular intervals.
Learn to look in her direction every so often, just in case you did not notice that she was speaking to you.
If you are really focused on what you are listening to, learn to hold your finger to your lips to shush her up, without appearing annoyed.
Let me know if you need more tips, and as I said, let me know how you make out.
I'm sorry for the double post. It posted while I was correcting it.
I am married with 2 young kids. I only have reliable time on my commute (about 1 hour listening) and the odd time I feel awake in the middle of the night, I'll get up and spend an hour LingQing. Finally, I will have flashcards open in the background of what ever else I am doing on the computer and go over 2-3 during 2 minute "microbreaks".
I also try to read stories and watch videos with my kids in my second languages. Everybody wins!
It sounds to me you have to set goals and tell your wife about them. You guys can work something out.
Is she Korean? Why not reply to everything she says in Korean :)
I don't know you keroro, but I think it's good for each person in a marriage to have hobbies, interests and friends.
I don't know your wife's personality, but I wonder if she would be interested in being a tutor here.
I don't know you keroro, but I think it's good for each person in the marriage to have hobbies, interests and friends.
I don't know your wife's personality, but I wonder if she would be interested in being a tutor here.
Vi7 is right about the earphones. It's a bold move, but you might just find yourself with the cord wrapped around your neck !!
I've just noticed from your profile that your wife is Korean and you are learning Korean. Good for you, not many would do what you're doing. I'm surprised your wife is not more supportive...
Seeing as you work from home all day, it's only reasonable to go outside for walks every so often to get some fresh air. You could then use this time to listen to your mp3s. I do most of my listening walking to and from work.
Steve must be joking. In the U.S. our day for that kind of joke is on the first of April, but maybe Canada uses another day.
First of all, I don't think it's healthy to have earbuds/phones in your ears all the time. I want my ears for when I get to be an older person.
Secondly, every couple is different, but I think it's perfectly okay for each person in a marriage to have some time alone to think, to be here at LingQ, or to take a long bath and wash off the...day.
Thirdly, I can tell you without being Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil, that you should not "talk" to your wife or your husband when you have something in your ears. If you're on a long plane ride, sure listen to something, but take the earphones out if she asks you a question.
Believe me, my husband does not let me listen to headphones when he talks!
I suggest you try talking to your wife while listening to your language MP3 files on your earphones. This might meet some initial resistance from your wife but you just need to persevere. She'll get used to it if she really loves you.
Let us know how it goes.